I'm glad that this topic is being raised, because it's very relevant to national security.
My company recently won the no-bid contract to run the now privatized SWAT teams in all 50 states. This works out particularly well for us, as next month we are debuting a new reality TV show about our heroic raids on terminal cancer patients using medical marijuana. Thus, being able to conduct raids while filming next week's episode is doubly profitable.
Unfortunately, drug raids are dangerous. Many people keep vicious dogs, and our SWAT team troopers often have no choice but to shoot these animals in self-defense. They don't want to do it, but attack dogs pose a real threat, and the lives of our fine officers are at stake.
Take, for example, a raid that occurred this past weekend. Our awesome NSA security apparatus detected an 80-year-old terminal female cancer patient living alone at home. Our surveillance helicopters spotted three marijuana plants in her backyard greenhouse. A judge issued a no-knock warrant, so at 3 AM, 25 SWAT team officers battered down her front door and drove a tank into the house. However, they were immediately confronted by two vicious family pets, and had no choice but to shoot these dangerous animals.
These vicious pets endangered our officers' lives
To make matters worse, when the officers reached the backyard and broke through the greenhouse glass with their tank, they were confronted by yet more vicious creatures guarding granny's drug factory.
Granny's attack turtle
Drug Lord's guard rabbit
Fortunately, the tank was equipped with a flame thrower, and these vicious animals were stopped in their tracks before they could kill any of our brave SWAT team members.
Unfortunately, the flame thrower also wiped out the marijuana plants, leaving us with no evidence of Granny's drug dealing operation. However, Granny did make an appearance in her night gown, and menaced our officers by shining a flashlight in their faces while screaming "Why are you in my house? You killed my granddaughter's pets!" Due to her aggressive behavior, officers on the scene had no choice but to subdue her with a few shots in the knees with their assault rifles. Granny was handcuffed and charged with resisting arrest and threatening a police officer.
The situation got further our of hand when we discovered that Granny was in fact not home alone, but rather her 12-year-old granddaughter was spending the weekend and sleeping in an adjacent room. She came out screaming and even dared to hit one of our brave troopers with a teddy bear while yelling "Leave my grandmother alone." Quick thinking officers on the scene subdued her with their humane tasers and pepper spray, then handcuffed the little brat. She is currently in solitary confinement at our privatized "Child Protective Services" and being kept calm with Prozac and methadone while we negotiate a fee with her parents.
At the moment, Granny is cooling her heels in one of our privatized prisons. It's too bad about her terminal cancer, as I don't think we're going to get much work out of her in our prison factories. However, her daughter and granddaughter will have plenty of time to work off Granny's debts (we charge our prisoners $1200 per day in room and board).
Please take your filthy gay talk elsewhere! This is a family forum!
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