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I suppose that by now most of you have heard of the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Komen is America's largest breast cancer advocacy organization, and they're responsible for the breast cancer awareness pink ribbons you see on yogurt and other products.
My company has been involved with Komen for years. We have an exclusive contract to manufacture the pink ribbons for them. They're produced at our plant south of Shanghai, an area known in China as "cancer alley."
Assuring that the world will continue to need pink ribbons
As a caring, sharing corporation, my company is very concerned at the rapidly rising rate of cancers, especially in young people. For example, at our pink ribbon factory, over 50% of the workers below age 16 already have cancer. Ditto for 25% of the workers below age 12. These startling figures recently came to light when some Chink investigative journalist in Hong Kong published a story about child labor. Although the journalist is now doing some constructive "reform through labor" himself in Qinghai (China's "Siberia"), we've been feeling some pressure lately to reduce these frightening cancer statistics. Although my company categorically denies that we've done anything wrong, I'm proud to say that we've moved quickly on this issue by introducing the following reforms:
1) Fire all the workers with cancer and hire new ones
2) Pressue medical researchers to change their cancer statistics to exclude "pre-existing conditions"
3) Move some of the worst polluting factories across the border into Vietnam
Furthermore, I'm pleased to announce that all our factory workers have signed organ donor cards. Anyone interested in a Chink kidney or heart should PM me directly.
But getting back to the Komen Foundation, the reason why they've been in the news lately is because our mole, Karen Handel, made a correct decision to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood because that terrorist organization is involved in birth control and abortion. Although PP does low-cost screening for breast cancer, women today can actually get x-ray scanned for free every time they go though a TSA inspection station at any US airport.
TSA offers free mammograms to all air passengers!
As my company recently won the no-bid contract to privatize the TSA, I'm proud of our roll inspecting women for breast cancer. Indeed, sometimes I show up at the local airport myself and volunteer to go a few rounds inspecting young female passengers. It's a difficult job, but someone has to do it, and like I've always said, it's important for the boss to occassionally get some real hands-on experience so he understands what it's like to work in the field.
Anyway, the liberal baby-killers have been conducting a vicious terrorist smear campaign against Karen Handel and the Komen Foundation, suggesting that companies and individuals should donate to Planned Parenthood directly. This is outrageous, especially since my company - a Komen corporate consultant - was already skimming a cool 25% off of Komen donations and now this income will be cut off! Fortunately, our Project Echelon has been able to scoop up the info on just who is donating funds directly to Planned Parenthood. I imagine that our boys working on enhanced interrogation techniques are going to be finding some new customers in the near future!
My company has been involved with Komen for years. We have an exclusive contract to manufacture the pink ribbons for them. They're produced at our plant south of Shanghai, an area known in China as "cancer alley."
Assuring that the world will continue to need pink ribbons
As a caring, sharing corporation, my company is very concerned at the rapidly rising rate of cancers, especially in young people. For example, at our pink ribbon factory, over 50% of the workers below age 16 already have cancer. Ditto for 25% of the workers below age 12. These startling figures recently came to light when some Chink investigative journalist in Hong Kong published a story about child labor. Although the journalist is now doing some constructive "reform through labor" himself in Qinghai (China's "Siberia"), we've been feeling some pressure lately to reduce these frightening cancer statistics. Although my company categorically denies that we've done anything wrong, I'm proud to say that we've moved quickly on this issue by introducing the following reforms:
1) Fire all the workers with cancer and hire new ones
2) Pressue medical researchers to change their cancer statistics to exclude "pre-existing conditions"
3) Move some of the worst polluting factories across the border into Vietnam
Furthermore, I'm pleased to announce that all our factory workers have signed organ donor cards. Anyone interested in a Chink kidney or heart should PM me directly.
But getting back to the Komen Foundation, the reason why they've been in the news lately is because our mole, Karen Handel, made a correct decision to cut off funding to Planned Parenthood because that terrorist organization is involved in birth control and abortion. Although PP does low-cost screening for breast cancer, women today can actually get x-ray scanned for free every time they go though a TSA inspection station at any US airport.
TSA offers free mammograms to all air passengers!
As my company recently won the no-bid contract to privatize the TSA, I'm proud of our roll inspecting women for breast cancer. Indeed, sometimes I show up at the local airport myself and volunteer to go a few rounds inspecting young female passengers. It's a difficult job, but someone has to do it, and like I've always said, it's important for the boss to occassionally get some real hands-on experience so he understands what it's like to work in the field.
Anyway, the liberal baby-killers have been conducting a vicious terrorist smear campaign against Karen Handel and the Komen Foundation, suggesting that companies and individuals should donate to Planned Parenthood directly. This is outrageous, especially since my company - a Komen corporate consultant - was already skimming a cool 25% off of Komen donations and now this income will be cut off! Fortunately, our Project Echelon has been able to scoop up the info on just who is donating funds directly to Planned Parenthood. I imagine that our boys working on enhanced interrogation techniques are going to be finding some new customers in the near future!
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