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Hello fellow True Christians! I know you've all been very busy lately. We have so many important causes, such as fighting abortionists (who thwart the reward of life that God bestows upon so-called "rape victims"). And there is that homo-loving liberal Supreme Court that wants to require gay marriage. And of course, we have to fight to find Obama's real birth certificate.
In short, we've got a lot of things to be continually outraged about (thank The Lord for Fox News and Rush Limbaugh). With so much on your plates, I imagine that many of you have missed one of the most important issues facing the world right now: the banking crisis in Cyprus. Yeah, I know, it's just some tiny pissant foreign country in the Euroweenie Union that no one's ever heard of. However, it's kind of important because it's one of a few international offshore banking centers where Godly corporations like the Russian Mafia go to launder their hard-earned profits. Although my company prefers the Cayman Islands (better yachting and golfing for CEOs), we can't ignore Cyprus - all that money sitting around in secret offshore accounts needed to be "managed" properly. It was an opportunity we couldn't resist.
So my company provided rock-solid investment advice for the Cyprus banks. Just like we did for Greece, Italy, Argentina and Zimbabwe. We helped the Cypriots invest wisely in sophisticated financial instruments such as mortgaged-backed securities, collateralized debt obligations and credit default swaps. Unfortunately, they lost billions of their investors' cash because Obama seized the money and spent it on Obamacare. The $10 billion in fees we charged Cyprus for investment advice is still owed to us. Despite the unfortunate losses, it wasl money well spent - thanks to my company, many Cypriot politicians are now enjoying a comfortable early retirement in various tropical countries with no extradition laws. Indeed, I see some of them over here in Cambodia, enjoying the good life down at the Nudie Cutie Club. As public servants, they worked hard for their success - it's just sad that many of their fellow citizens keep whining about a few tens of billions of dollars that have disappeared from the public banking system.
But I digress. The important point is now that the Cypriot banks are broke, we need some way to insure that foreign investors like my Russian business partners are fully protected from any losses. Not that I like the Russkies or anything, but they do a great job of keeping oil and natural gas flowing. And unlike in Iraq, liberating Russian oil with our awesome military wouldn't be trivial.
So having examined all the options, my accounting people have come up with a great plan for rescuing the banks on Cyprus - we give them an IMF loan, and they pay it off at 30% interest per year by imposing $100 billion worth of new taxes on the Cypriot population. With 1.1 million people, that works out to less than $100,000 per person, a trivial sum that I'm sure every Cypriot family can manage with their eyes closed. Why I spent more than that yesterday on a new carpet for my office!
Unfortunately, them Cypriot politicians are getting all antsy, saying that families will have to go without food if they are forced to pay such a hefty tax. Well I call bullsh*t. I've seen them Cypriot babes - almost every family has got a daughter or two they could sell, and I have friends who would gladly buy a few (they'll make a great addition to the Nudie Cutie Club). Plus, it warms my heart to know that the money would be going to a good cause (ie bailing out bankers). Little boys don't fetch quite as high a price, but still with the Vatican nearby, there's got to be a pretty good market. So really, I don't want to hear all this crap from bleeding heart liberals about what a hardship it's going to be for "common working people." Just think - their kids are going to get to travel and see the world! Besides, if those common working people weren't so lazy and had just used their insider trading connections (like I do) to invest wisely, they'd all be rolling in dough.
Fundraising was never so easy!
In short, what we need is a classic free-market® solution. All the liberals got to offer is socialism, gay marriage and global warming. Fortunately, I know the Cypriots will do the right thing - we are sending our (now-privatized) navy and air force over there next week to put on an awesome air show to entertain the public, just to let them know that we haven't forgotten them.
In short, we've got a lot of things to be continually outraged about (thank The Lord for Fox News and Rush Limbaugh). With so much on your plates, I imagine that many of you have missed one of the most important issues facing the world right now: the banking crisis in Cyprus. Yeah, I know, it's just some tiny pissant foreign country in the Euroweenie Union that no one's ever heard of. However, it's kind of important because it's one of a few international offshore banking centers where Godly corporations like the Russian Mafia go to launder their hard-earned profits. Although my company prefers the Cayman Islands (better yachting and golfing for CEOs), we can't ignore Cyprus - all that money sitting around in secret offshore accounts needed to be "managed" properly. It was an opportunity we couldn't resist.
So my company provided rock-solid investment advice for the Cyprus banks. Just like we did for Greece, Italy, Argentina and Zimbabwe. We helped the Cypriots invest wisely in sophisticated financial instruments such as mortgaged-backed securities, collateralized debt obligations and credit default swaps. Unfortunately, they lost billions of their investors' cash because Obama seized the money and spent it on Obamacare. The $10 billion in fees we charged Cyprus for investment advice is still owed to us. Despite the unfortunate losses, it wasl money well spent - thanks to my company, many Cypriot politicians are now enjoying a comfortable early retirement in various tropical countries with no extradition laws. Indeed, I see some of them over here in Cambodia, enjoying the good life down at the Nudie Cutie Club. As public servants, they worked hard for their success - it's just sad that many of their fellow citizens keep whining about a few tens of billions of dollars that have disappeared from the public banking system.
But I digress. The important point is now that the Cypriot banks are broke, we need some way to insure that foreign investors like my Russian business partners are fully protected from any losses. Not that I like the Russkies or anything, but they do a great job of keeping oil and natural gas flowing. And unlike in Iraq, liberating Russian oil with our awesome military wouldn't be trivial.
So having examined all the options, my accounting people have come up with a great plan for rescuing the banks on Cyprus - we give them an IMF loan, and they pay it off at 30% interest per year by imposing $100 billion worth of new taxes on the Cypriot population. With 1.1 million people, that works out to less than $100,000 per person, a trivial sum that I'm sure every Cypriot family can manage with their eyes closed. Why I spent more than that yesterday on a new carpet for my office!
Unfortunately, them Cypriot politicians are getting all antsy, saying that families will have to go without food if they are forced to pay such a hefty tax. Well I call bullsh*t. I've seen them Cypriot babes - almost every family has got a daughter or two they could sell, and I have friends who would gladly buy a few (they'll make a great addition to the Nudie Cutie Club). Plus, it warms my heart to know that the money would be going to a good cause (ie bailing out bankers). Little boys don't fetch quite as high a price, but still with the Vatican nearby, there's got to be a pretty good market. So really, I don't want to hear all this crap from bleeding heart liberals about what a hardship it's going to be for "common working people." Just think - their kids are going to get to travel and see the world! Besides, if those common working people weren't so lazy and had just used their insider trading connections (like I do) to invest wisely, they'd all be rolling in dough.
Fundraising was never so easy!
In short, what we need is a classic free-market® solution. All the liberals got to offer is socialism, gay marriage and global warming. Fortunately, I know the Cypriots will do the right thing - we are sending our (now-privatized) navy and air force over there next week to put on an awesome air show to entertain the public, just to let them know that we haven't forgotten them.
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