Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

[Free Market Fred]

Greetings fellow True Christians! I know I haven't been around much, but I've been busy. I am proud to announce that just yesterday I received my hard-earned Ph.D. in Homeland Security from Glenn Beck University. This required more than 100 hours of online study and testing - thank The Lord that my secretary could handle it. She's only been working for me for a month - her predecessor didn't even know how to read, though she had great oral skills.

I'll bet that there are some of you who didn't even know that you could get a degree in Homeland Security™. Well, let me tell you that in fact it's now America's most popular major! All kinds of formerly legitimate universities are now offering these degrees online, like this one. You can find a list of some of these degree programs here.

Public universities - hard up now for cash - have contracted with my company to offer these degrees. We share the profits - 90% for us, 10% for them. Student loans are available, and thanks to new bankruptcy legislation, if the student can't pay off the debt, that's no problem at all - his or her kids will inherit it. So why not take out a loan today, and let somebody else make the payments tomorrow? This strikes me as a golden opportunity for young people who have no other opportunities except for the military or prison, currently the only two growth industries in America.

Godly Glenn Beck has lent his prestigious name to this new degree program, but Glenn actually teaches only political science and creationism. The head of our Homeland Security studies program is Professor Lt. John Pike, formerly of the University of California at Davis.


Professor Lt. John Pike, teaching students at UC Davis

We are proud of our graduates. Many of them go on to find excellent jobs paying even more than minimum wage!


2012 graduating class - protecting freedom and democracy!

And it's not just about money - there are fringe benefits too. Like not having to take any lip from chicks! Remember that hot girl in high school who refused to date you? Well, get your degree and go look her up.


Got your attention now, slut?

Hey, remember than nerdy kid from high school who frequently made you look bad because he always did his homework and got straight A's while you flunked wood shop? Well, once you get into Homeland Security, you can track down that liberal fag and let him know that you haven't forgotten him.


So you're a registered Democrat now?

And let's face it - Homeland Security can be fun!


Terrorist being taken to the police station for an interview.

I know that I've given the impression so far that this is a male-dominated field, but we haven't forgotten you ladies. There are indeed some excellent female Homeland Security professionals who seem to take to this line of work like it's second nature.



As True Christians, it's our duty to educate our nation's youth. If you know any idle young people living in mom and dad's basement who can't find work, sit them down for a serious heart-to-heart talk. Tell them about the great opportunities that await them if they get a degree in Homeland Security. And send me a private message for info on how to get a little commission for yourself - degree mills can be a goldmine!

Anyway, just wanted to let you all you what I've been up to. I'm proud of my new degree. Imagine, Dr. Free Market Fred! Who ever thought I'd be a doctor? My mother, wherever she is, just wouldn't believe it.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

I am so glad to see you have gotten your degree, brother. I assume you will be heading up your own new online university?

I think it's great that a man can actually get paid for an honest day's work of cracking hippie skulls. Is this the Greatest Nation on Earth or the The Greatest Nation in the Universe?

And I am sure our aspiring peace keepers can finance the entire education? And student loans are A1++ debt. They can be forcibly collected and they cannot be escaped by even bankruptcy. Your financing companies get paid no matter what for student loans.

I know I will be buying 10,000 more share of Uranus, Fred.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

I know I will be buying 10,000 more share of Uranus, Fred.

That's great to hear, Brother Levi - definitely a wise investment. Speaking of Uranus, one of my company's former board members went to work recently for the WTO. He gave this great 7-minute lecture at a university which I think is very much worth listening to:

Unfortunately, you can see the negative reaction of brainwashed liberal students. That's why it's so much better to teach online. I know that I don't ever want to meet my students personally. All I want to know about them is their credit card numbers - I'll let my Homeland Security folks do all the personal interacting.

[WWJDnow]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

GLORY!!!!!! Another victory for home schooling! I suppose that from now on we need to refer to you as Dr. Fred.

I feel safer just knowing that a fellow True Christian(TM) has this kind of training. Muslim terrorists the world over must be quaking in their boots over this wonderful program.

[Jo Freddie]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

That's great to hear, Brother Levi - definitely a wise investment. Speaking of Uranus, one of my company's former board members went to work recently for the WTO. He gave this great 7-minute lecture at a university which I think is very much worth listening to:

A popular field of research. Do you have shares in the Okayama Laboratory?

Or maybe the market would be less repulsed by the fly burger.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

Praise Jesus! Doctor Free Market Fred has been uplifted by God Almighty to help spread His Word all over the globe.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

First of all, congratulations Brother Fred at getting your medical degree. I always thought you were a smart guy!

I hope you don't mind my asking this, but I'm hoping you can do me a small favor. As a fellow True Christian, I know that I can count on you to help out. You see, I got a small medical problem, and I'm a little hard up right now with my 12 credit cards all suspended because I'm behind in the payments. Here in Texas, we don't have Obamacare (thank The Lord!), but since I'm not Messican, I can't go to the emergency room either.

Anyway, Brother Fred, seeing how you's a doctor, here's my problem: I got this itching "down there". It really needs to be looked at by a proctologist, and I'm guessing from the name of your company, that must be your specialty. A friend of mine here at the homeless shelter got himself a digital camera - just wondering if it's OK for him to snap a few photos of my Uranus and email them to you? Then when you got time, please get back to me with a diagnosis. Is that OK?

Thanks in advance.

[Bjorn Jensen]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

That's great to hear, Brother Levi - definitely a wise investment. Speaking of Uranus, one of my company's former board members went to work recently for the WTO. He gave this great 7-minute lecture at a university which I think is very much worth listening to:

Unfortunately, you can see the negative reaction of brainwashed liberal students. That's why it's so much better to teach online. I know that I don't ever want to meet my students personally. All I want to know about them is their credit card numbers - I'll let my Homeland Security folks do all the personal interacting.

I guess it was you who got this commie propaganda filth banned in America

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Free Market Fred, Ph.D.

Anyway, Brother Fred, seeing how you's a doctor, here's my problem: I got this itching "down there". It really needs to be looked at by a proctologist, and I'm guessing from the name of your company, that must be your specialty. A friend of mine here at the homeless shelter got himself a digital camera - just wondering if it's OK for him to snap a few photos of my Uranus and email them to you? Then when you got time, please get back to me with a diagnosis. Is that OK?

Dear Brother Buford,

There's no need to send me any photos of "down there" - thanks to Homeland Security™ and the Patriot Act, we already have those photos. Which just goes to show why it's important not to burden our nation's awesome now-privatized national police force with bureaucratic regulations like warrants, accountability and taxes on profits.

But about your medical condition - though I am indeed a doctor, I really think that you need to be examined in person, not via digital photos. Of course, I understand your difficult economic situation - if it's a choice between a bag of dry dogfood from Wal-Mart or seeing a doctor, you'll naturally go with the dogfood.

That said, the Uranus Corporation is a caring-sharing company, and we would never want a True Christian like yourself to be denied necessary medical care. Therefore, I've instructed our accounting department to do the following: of your 12 credit cards that are now suspended for non-payment, we are willing to forgive your entire balance on the one card for which you owe the least amount ($12.87). In return, all you have to do is donate one of your kidneys to the Uranus Family-Values Clinic. You'll then be able to charge the proctologist's $500 fee to this card.

Of course, you're still responsible for paying that $500, along with the amount you owe on the other 11 cards ($17,804, plus $342,073 in late fees and interest payments). But don't worry about it - when you recover from the kidney surgery, one of our credit counselor's will be contacting you to discuss ways to pay off the balance (you may have other organs that can be donated). It is important that you settle this debt before departing to the great Fox-And-Friends show in the sky. Remember, you can't enter Heaven if you've got an unpaid balance with Visa, MasterCard or American Express.


Ticket to Heaven