I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Since I'm not getting any younger, I've been giving some thought as to where I might like to retire. It would, of course, have to be in a Godly True Christian™ red-state setting. Then it occurred to me: What part of the world has our Divinely hand-picked President had the most success in remaking in his image? That's right: Iraq!

With the string of successes that President Bush's Godly crusade has had so far in Towelheadistan (which even an unsaved dzhoo like Charles Krauthammer can see), Iraq will soon have a quality of life to match that of any country in the world (thanks, Brother Harvey!). Sure, it's full of mooselimbs right now, but once the camel jockeys see what President Bush's compassionate conservatism has accomplished in their country, they'll be sure to renounce their moon demon and line up to be baptized by Landover's senior pastors. Besides, even as mooselimbs, at least they're not Prius-driving, NPR-listening tofu-eaters.

I'm leaning toward buying some property at about the same driving distance from Baghdad as Godly Republican outer suburbs like Prince William County are from America's big cities and building a gated community of mini-mansions with three-Hummer garages. Who's interested in being my neighbor in Jesusland East? You should act soon, since land values are bound to skyrocket eventually.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

It sounds perfectly delightful, Pastor Peters, but I'm really not a fan of the climate.

Is it possible to build it all under an air-conditioned and irrigated dome of sorts?

[StreetPreacherLew]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

I hear the Green Zone is nice this time of year.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

It sounds perfectly delightful, Pastor Peters, but I'm really not a fan of the climate.

Is it possible to build it all under an air-conditioned and irrigated dome of sorts?

The Holy Spirit has that problem licked too. Out door air-conditioning is widely available in Palm Springs (where Pastor Deacon Fred has a Winter retreat), so I can't see why the same technology wouldn't work for a gated community in "Mission Accomplished" Iraquistan. Praise Jesus!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

This is a great idea, Brother Isaac. I suggest you buy your land soon, because once we annex Iraq and make it our 51st state, property values will surely go up.

You'll probably need a mortgage. Check out Citibank - I hear they've got great deals on no-down-payment subprime loans. As their ad says, "Citi Never Sleeps." I'm sure they're awake at night counting all those profits they made by lending money to Enron. With a rock solid track record like that, you know that this is a company you can trust.

And while we're on the subject of retirement, you've got to think about your investment portfolio. I understand that Bear Stearns stock is quite a bargain these days. Also look into buying some shares in GM and Ford Motors - with gas prices sure to fall as soon as McCain gets elected, demand for SUVs will be way up. Ditto for airline stocks - my broker says they're an even safer bet than Florida state lottery tickets.

YIC,
Buford

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

I do think a gated (and walled) community is a good idea, but that goes for everywhere! My concern is about water. Do the poor folks in Iraq use lots of water? Although I do enjoy a desert golf course, I just hate it when the fairways aren't the brightest of green. And I especially dislike skinny fairways surrounded by sand and cacti . . . this just won't do. I have included an example of what is acceptable to me (and Jesus) in the way of fairway to sand ratio.

PS I will expect my gated community to have that 50 cent per gallon gas we were talking about too!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

Do the poor folks in Iraq use lots of water?

I've talked to returning US soldiers and was told that the Iraqis don't even water their lawns! Their yards are just a bunch of sand and rock (which is also mostly what they eat). Furthermore, they don't even flush their toilets - they just sh*t in a hole in the ground! And it gets worse - I was told that when the Iraqis wash their clothes, they just hang them up on a clothesline to dry. This is very unsightly, but apparently the towelheads are too primitive to use a clothes dryer.

Such uncivilized behavior is unacceptable. Fortunately, gated communities for retired Americans in Iraq have electric fences and 24-hour security provided by Blackwater. If we need workers to tend our lawns and do the laundry, there's no need to hire Iraqis - we can always import Mexicans. In fact, at the rate Iraqis are fleeing to Syria, Iraqi may soon be free of those pesty Iraqis. Once that happens, I see no reason why we can't just colonize the whole country with blond-haired blue-eyed Christians. God would surely approve of such a plan.

Glory!
Buford

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

I've talked to returning US soldiers and was told that the Iraqis don't even water their lawns! Their yards are just a bunch of sand and rock (which is also mostly what they eat). Furthermore, they don't even flush their toilets - they just sh*t in a hole in the ground! And it gets worse - I was told that when the Iraqis wash their clothes, they just hang them up on a clothesline to dry. This is very unsightly, but apparently the towelheads are too primitive to use a clothes dryer.

Such uncivilized behavior is unacceptable. Fortunately, gated communities for retired Americans in Iraq have electric fences and 24-hour security provided by Blackwater. If we need workers to tend our lawns and do the laundry, there's no need to hire Iraqis - we can always import Mexicans. In fact, at the rate Iraqis are fleeing to Syria, Iraqi may soon be free of those pesty Iraqis. Once that happens, I see no reason why we can't just colonize the whole country with blond-haired blue-eyed Christians. God would surely approve of such a plan.

Glory!
Buford

You know, the injun savages who pre-stole America were even worse. They ran around naked, defecated wherever they happened to be standing, and apparently set fire to all the good lumber there was, just for fun. And through God's Blessings and the Divine inspiration of the Holy Spirit, we normal people have been able to make America better than it was before.

I have no doubt that with the pioneer spirit displayed by good Men like Pastor Isaacs, Iraquistan will be better than ever!

[Brother Temperance]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

I'd say Iraq sounds like a conservative paradise right now. Forget Hitlery's Socialist Healthcare schemes, in Iraq they've rolled that parasitic Big Government back so far it barely even exists anymore. Pure Reaganomics in action. Hallelujah!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

The Holy Spirit has that problem licked too. Out door air-conditioning is widely available in Palm Springs (where Pastor Deacon Fred has a Winter retreat), so I can't see why the same technology wouldn't work for a gated community in "Mission Accomplished" Iraquistan. Praise Jesus!

I suppose a mister would work well in winter, Pastor, but it only drops the temperature 20 degrees. That'd bring it to what, 95 - 100 in the summer?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I'm thinking of buying retirement property in Iraq.

I suppose a mister would work well in winter, Pastor, but it only drops the temperature 20 degrees. That'd bring it to what, 95 - 100 in the summer?

Well obviously you just turn up the outdoor air conditioning to "high."