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Hello fellow True Christians! Hope you are enjoying a pleasant Sunday morning at church. Well, probably not Sunday morning yet in your time zone, but it is here in Cambodia where I am currently taking the weekend off from supervising Chink workers at my company's new organ-donation factory which opened just last month next to the People's No. 3 Prison just outside of Shanghai.
Anyway, right now I'd love to be at church, but I'm a little busy at the moment, helping an American friend who is getting ready for a grand opening tonight of his new nightclub in Phnom Penh. I've been helping him interview applicants - I think that this young lady who I just got through chatting with in the back room will be a real asset to his business.
But anyway, down to the topic of my post, which is Outsourcing. Just recently, my company acquired the last remaining independent airlines in the USA, and we discovered to our horror that their check-in counter staff and baggage handlers are unionized! I'm sure that all you True Christians are shocked to learn that in this day and age, a private corporation would still employ union thugs. I mean, you expect that in public schools and other bastions of socialism, but to actually have a Godly private company supporting communism in the 21st century is like spitting on the Bible!
Well, I can assure you that I plan to rectify this situation right away. Although we could fire the whole lot of them immediately and hire minimum wage employees, after careful consideration we've decided that the least expensive solution might be outsourcing. We are looking at several possibilities, and I'd appreciate any comments from you, True Patriotic Americans. After all, Uranus Airlines is here to serve you, and as we used to say before we became a monopoly, "The customer is always right!"
So, without further ado, here are some of the possibilities...
1) Chinks. Not only are they cheap, but our partnership with the People's No. 3 prison ensures that after they're all used up, we can still harvest the organs. There are some drawbacks though in bringing them to the USA as check-in clerks. Few of them speak English, and we might need to spend extra on security to make sure that none of them escape. Bureaucracy would be a problem too, given their immigration status - we're thinking of getting around that by declaring airports "Free-Trade Zones," which would allow us to import goods freely (and presumably that would include Chink inmates). Chink females are usually easy to control, and we might be able to rent out some of the younger ones after hours to perform extra services. The financials work out pretty good, so this one is definitely under consideration if public acceptance can be gained.
2) Injuns.
We've already got lots of them employed at our call centers, and their English is pretty good. US customers sometime complain about their heavy accent, but we've been working on that problem by purchasing them as kids and sending them to a special public school (hah, UNICEF even pays for it!) and we give them names like "Bill" and "Jane."
Future call center employees
The trouble with having them work the check-in counters in US airports is that we can't hide their inferior genes. We considered spray-painting them white, but experiments along those lines didn't go well.
3) Other foreigners.
A company in Syria recently contacted us and offered to supply workers for free. Especially for airport security. We are considering this, but Homeland Security would have to clear it first (though they are due to be privatized next month, so it shouldn't be an issue).
4) American inmates.
This is actually one of the most realistic possibilities. No problem with their English or their physical appearance, except for the obese ones who can't fit behind the counter. In most cases, escape isn't an issue, as we can attach radio-controlled ankle bracelets and shock collars. Thanks to our awesome War On Drugs, and the fact that we've raised the "age of consent" to 35 (thus creating a massive sex offenders registry), this segment of the work force can only grow.
5) Child labor.
Young inmates starting their apprenticeship
Thanks to zero-tolerance, public schools have become fertile ground for recruiting youngsters for apprenticeships. When they grow up, they'll be well trained for skilled prison labor, so it's a win-win. We might have to lower the check-in counters or provide a platform for the kids to stand on so that the customers can see them. Shouldn't be a problem though. Our initial research shows that the public loves kids, and thinks it cute to have them working the check-in counter.
6) Automation.
Security employees confronting uppity Negro
Ultimately, machines are the way to go. I'm sure all of you have had positive experiences calling my company's offices and being greeted by a cheerful recorded message that patiently spends the next three hours walking you through menu choices. Sometimes it's possible to get through to a real person eventually, though we're working hard to eliminate that from ever occurring. Machines are great in so many ways, never requiring food, rest, bathroom breaks, nor do they go on strike.
Well, there you have it. I'd love to hear your comments. As a caring, sharing corporation, we want to make you, our customers, happy. Your opinions are very important to us, even though we are a monopoly and you don't really have any choice but to use our services whether you like it or not. As we say here at corporate headquarters, "it's Uranus but our profits."
Anyway, right now I'd love to be at church, but I'm a little busy at the moment, helping an American friend who is getting ready for a grand opening tonight of his new nightclub in Phnom Penh. I've been helping him interview applicants - I think that this young lady who I just got through chatting with in the back room will be a real asset to his business.
But anyway, down to the topic of my post, which is Outsourcing. Just recently, my company acquired the last remaining independent airlines in the USA, and we discovered to our horror that their check-in counter staff and baggage handlers are unionized! I'm sure that all you True Christians are shocked to learn that in this day and age, a private corporation would still employ union thugs. I mean, you expect that in public schools and other bastions of socialism, but to actually have a Godly private company supporting communism in the 21st century is like spitting on the Bible!
Well, I can assure you that I plan to rectify this situation right away. Although we could fire the whole lot of them immediately and hire minimum wage employees, after careful consideration we've decided that the least expensive solution might be outsourcing. We are looking at several possibilities, and I'd appreciate any comments from you, True Patriotic Americans. After all, Uranus Airlines is here to serve you, and as we used to say before we became a monopoly, "The customer is always right!"
So, without further ado, here are some of the possibilities...
*********************
1) Chinks. Not only are they cheap, but our partnership with the People's No. 3 prison ensures that after they're all used up, we can still harvest the organs. There are some drawbacks though in bringing them to the USA as check-in clerks. Few of them speak English, and we might need to spend extra on security to make sure that none of them escape. Bureaucracy would be a problem too, given their immigration status - we're thinking of getting around that by declaring airports "Free-Trade Zones," which would allow us to import goods freely (and presumably that would include Chink inmates). Chink females are usually easy to control, and we might be able to rent out some of the younger ones after hours to perform extra services. The financials work out pretty good, so this one is definitely under consideration if public acceptance can be gained.
2) Injuns.
We've already got lots of them employed at our call centers, and their English is pretty good. US customers sometime complain about their heavy accent, but we've been working on that problem by purchasing them as kids and sending them to a special public school (hah, UNICEF even pays for it!) and we give them names like "Bill" and "Jane."
Future call center employees
The trouble with having them work the check-in counters in US airports is that we can't hide their inferior genes. We considered spray-painting them white, but experiments along those lines didn't go well.
3) Other foreigners.
A company in Syria recently contacted us and offered to supply workers for free. Especially for airport security. We are considering this, but Homeland Security would have to clear it first (though they are due to be privatized next month, so it shouldn't be an issue).
4) American inmates.
This is actually one of the most realistic possibilities. No problem with their English or their physical appearance, except for the obese ones who can't fit behind the counter. In most cases, escape isn't an issue, as we can attach radio-controlled ankle bracelets and shock collars. Thanks to our awesome War On Drugs, and the fact that we've raised the "age of consent" to 35 (thus creating a massive sex offenders registry), this segment of the work force can only grow.
5) Child labor.
Young inmates starting their apprenticeship
Thanks to zero-tolerance, public schools have become fertile ground for recruiting youngsters for apprenticeships. When they grow up, they'll be well trained for skilled prison labor, so it's a win-win. We might have to lower the check-in counters or provide a platform for the kids to stand on so that the customers can see them. Shouldn't be a problem though. Our initial research shows that the public loves kids, and thinks it cute to have them working the check-in counter.
6) Automation.
Security employees confronting uppity Negro
Ultimately, machines are the way to go. I'm sure all of you have had positive experiences calling my company's offices and being greeted by a cheerful recorded message that patiently spends the next three hours walking you through menu choices. Sometimes it's possible to get through to a real person eventually, though we're working hard to eliminate that from ever occurring. Machines are great in so many ways, never requiring food, rest, bathroom breaks, nor do they go on strike.
***********************
Well, there you have it. I'd love to hear your comments. As a caring, sharing corporation, we want to make you, our customers, happy. Your opinions are very important to us, even though we are a monopoly and you don't really have any choice but to use our services whether you like it or not. As we say here at corporate headquarters, "it's Uranus but our profits."
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