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Greetings fellow True Christians!
As you all know, election day is tomorrow, and I wanted to make this post to remind you all to get out and vote. You can rest assured that the liberals will be out in force, trying to elect their atheist homo and illegal alien-loving "diversity" candidates, so it's important that we conservatives get out there to defend the values that made America great (ie God, guts, guns and tax cuts for the rich).
One disturbing thing I have to report though is that there was a Facebook post yesterday which exposed some top secret national security information. The NSA (now privatized and run by my company) has been operating Project Carnivore, which uses computers to scan forums to find communists, terrorists and other enemies of the USA. For example, if someone makes a post supporting homos in the military or drug legalization, we know we've found a terrorist. Once identified, we can arrest these individuals and send them to Guantanamo for interrogation using the latest "enhanced" techniques. This method - which is completely legal due to legislation that is also top secret so I can't really tell you about it - is what keeps us safe. I'm sure that all True Christians support these practices, because it's the only way to preserve our country's precious freedom.
Anyway, the particular security breach I'm talking about said this:
Hey, US government is spraying chemtrails everywhere just before election day with a chemical that makes people stoopid. Lowers their IQ by about 20%! So they'll vote Republican!
- Posted by Meathead
Natural patterns in clouds, drawn by God
Well, we don't know yet how "Meathead" found out the purpose of our chemtrails program, but I'm sure my company's "interviewers" will find out. Every one of our guests at Guantanamo eventually says whatever we want them to.
But let's forget that messy business. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we need to talk about chemtrails. There is really no need to worry. I'd like to assure all of you that the effects of the chemicals are temporary. Otherwise, the 1% such as myself would be at risk of accidentally inhaling it and winding up as retarded as Fox News viewers. Of course, during spraying we take the added precaution of making trips abroad (ie all-make family-values tours to Cambodia and the Dominican Republic, run by my company), but I digress.
After spraying in rural Nevada
Let me assure you that these chemicals don't have any serious side effects. Most people won't even notice the drop in intelligence. However, we have noted a tendency for people affected by the spraying to enjoy the odor of burning coal.
"I love the smell of rolling coal in the morning..."
...and considering how it affects votes for Republicans...
Smells like victory!
Since we are all friends and True Christians here, I thought that this might be a good time for me to pass on a few tips for coping with a particularly heavy day of spraying, as you can expect during the next 24 hours across over America due to the elections. Of course, I'll be staying in Hong Kong during this time, but I'll pass on my suggestions anyway.
To begin with, after spraying, try to keep your teenage kids away from a tattoo parlor.
It's OK to go shopping after spraying. In fact, be sure to bring your credit cards! Good time to visit one of my company's Las Vegas casinos, or take out a subprime loan!
But we have noticed that some people tend to do strange things to save money after spraying. Try not to make this mistake!
Shortsighted shopper saved money by not purchasing diapers
Two guys saving money by sneaking into the San Diego Zoo
Saving money on insecticide
So just remember that old saying about "being penny-wise, pound-foolish."
After spraying is not the best time to visit a shooting range
On the other hand, this IS the time when you want to get out and spread your Christian faith to unenlightened members of the community. Yes, even atheists can be saved after receiving a mild dose of chemtrails. Be sure to move quickly, before the effect wears off. There is only about a 48-hour window of opportunity to convert evolutionists to the correct thinking, so don't throw the chance away!
Darwinists can be cured!
Ideas formulated during this period tend to become permanent. So you may find that your tastes in food and drink will change.
It's got electrolytes
In summation, your Christian faith - together with home schooling and chemtrails - can help us to build a better world, especially during election time!
Better living through chemistry
As you all know, election day is tomorrow, and I wanted to make this post to remind you all to get out and vote. You can rest assured that the liberals will be out in force, trying to elect their atheist homo and illegal alien-loving "diversity" candidates, so it's important that we conservatives get out there to defend the values that made America great (ie God, guts, guns and tax cuts for the rich).
One disturbing thing I have to report though is that there was a Facebook post yesterday which exposed some top secret national security information. The NSA (now privatized and run by my company) has been operating Project Carnivore, which uses computers to scan forums to find communists, terrorists and other enemies of the USA. For example, if someone makes a post supporting homos in the military or drug legalization, we know we've found a terrorist. Once identified, we can arrest these individuals and send them to Guantanamo for interrogation using the latest "enhanced" techniques. This method - which is completely legal due to legislation that is also top secret so I can't really tell you about it - is what keeps us safe. I'm sure that all True Christians support these practices, because it's the only way to preserve our country's precious freedom.
Anyway, the particular security breach I'm talking about said this:
Hey, US government is spraying chemtrails everywhere just before election day with a chemical that makes people stoopid. Lowers their IQ by about 20%! So they'll vote Republican!
- Posted by Meathead
Natural patterns in clouds, drawn by God
Well, we don't know yet how "Meathead" found out the purpose of our chemtrails program, but I'm sure my company's "interviewers" will find out. Every one of our guests at Guantanamo eventually says whatever we want them to.
But let's forget that messy business. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we need to talk about chemtrails. There is really no need to worry. I'd like to assure all of you that the effects of the chemicals are temporary. Otherwise, the 1% such as myself would be at risk of accidentally inhaling it and winding up as retarded as Fox News viewers. Of course, during spraying we take the added precaution of making trips abroad (ie all-make family-values tours to Cambodia and the Dominican Republic, run by my company), but I digress.
After spraying in rural Nevada
Let me assure you that these chemicals don't have any serious side effects. Most people won't even notice the drop in intelligence. However, we have noted a tendency for people affected by the spraying to enjoy the odor of burning coal.
"I love the smell of rolling coal in the morning..."
...and considering how it affects votes for Republicans...
Smells like victory!
Since we are all friends and True Christians here, I thought that this might be a good time for me to pass on a few tips for coping with a particularly heavy day of spraying, as you can expect during the next 24 hours across over America due to the elections. Of course, I'll be staying in Hong Kong during this time, but I'll pass on my suggestions anyway.
To begin with, after spraying, try to keep your teenage kids away from a tattoo parlor.
It's OK to go shopping after spraying. In fact, be sure to bring your credit cards! Good time to visit one of my company's Las Vegas casinos, or take out a subprime loan!
But we have noticed that some people tend to do strange things to save money after spraying. Try not to make this mistake!
Shortsighted shopper saved money by not purchasing diapers
Two guys saving money by sneaking into the San Diego Zoo
Saving money on insecticide
So just remember that old saying about "being penny-wise, pound-foolish."
After spraying is not the best time to visit a shooting range
On the other hand, this IS the time when you want to get out and spread your Christian faith to unenlightened members of the community. Yes, even atheists can be saved after receiving a mild dose of chemtrails. Be sure to move quickly, before the effect wears off. There is only about a 48-hour window of opportunity to convert evolutionists to the correct thinking, so don't throw the chance away!
Darwinists can be cured!
Ideas formulated during this period tend to become permanent. So you may find that your tastes in food and drink will change.
It's got electrolytes
In summation, your Christian faith - together with home schooling and chemtrails - can help us to build a better world, especially during election time!
Better living through chemistry
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