This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

NATIONAL NEWS: Landover Baptist Plans "Life Under Obama" Themed Hell House:

PREVIEW OF HELL HOUSE 2008:
"Barack Obama's Ghastly Ghetto of Demoncratic Terror!"

IMPORTANT NOTICE: We cannot stress enough that the additional $2 for the plastic ponchos at the entrance gate is well worth it, as rancid pig’s blood will be sprayed from the white man’s head in Room 7 with extreme force onto each participant.

Room 1 - A Lilly-White Family Gets Taxed to Death– Participants will watch as a normal Christian (white) husband comes home from work to sit down to dinner with his family. Obama is speaking on the television set in the living room. The wife turns the channel but every station has Barack Obama on it, repeating the words, "If u makin' under $250K, I not be raisin' yo taxes!" (Participants learn that Obama has switched to speaking Ebonics after taking office and a handy translation chart will be provided as part of your entrance fee) The children want to know what they are having for appetizers before dinner. The mother screams, "We don't have enough money for appetizers anymore! We're just going to have dinner! The children start crying as the mother scoops portions of Almar Caviar into their plates. "But this used to be our appetizer, mommy!" says one child. "Yes," says the mother, "but thanks to liberals electing Barack Obama as their president, now its all we can afford for supper!" The father chokes back his tears, pulls out a gun and shoots his two children. He then shoots his wife and puts the gun to his own head and says, "We can't live like this, Obama has taxed us all to death." He pulls the trigger, blowing off his head. Participants will be glad they have a plastic poncho (provided for an additional $2 at the entrance) because they will be sprayed from head to toe in rancid pig's blood squirting intermittently for over a minute from the white man's neck as they are given time to contemplate the seriousness of the situation. They are given one chance to back out with a non-refundable fee or to move on to Room 2.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Room 2 - Families Forced to Pray to Mohammed! - Participants learn over the speaker system that two months after Obama seized control of America, he pulled the troops home from Iraq. As a result, terrorism has spread and Americans are told that every family must pray to Allah for one hour each evening or Al Qaeda will bomb their house. Participants will see a family weeping as they cover the statues of Jesus in their home and take down the crosses they have hanging on the wall. They will throw small rugs on the floor and point them to the East. As they kneel down to pray, Mohammed will appear before them, and laugh maniacally. As Mohammed turns, participants will see a long red pointy tail coming out from his hind side as he makes his way into the shadows.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Room 3 - The Black Penis Room! - Upon entering this room, participants will learn that since Obama took power, white women are leaving their husbands for black men. Every day, innocent white Christian ladies are bombarded with images of black men on billboards and commercials. So much so, that Hasbro created a Ken Doll, darker than Wesley Snipes to be Barbie's new lover. Participants will enter a room where they see three naked men (A 7 foot tall black man, a 5'10 white man, and a 5'4 tan white man) standing in a row in front of a kindergarten class. The kindergarten teacher will ask the class three questions: 1. Who is the most powerful man. 2. Who is the most successful. 3. Who is the most attractive. All of the children will point to the 7 foot tall Negro in each case. One of the little girls will stand up and say, "I want to marry a giant Negro with a big black penis when I grow up!" Instantly, an actress dressed like Sarah Palin with little angel wings will float down from above and land in front of the black man's penis. She will turn to the participants and say, "ME TOO!" Then she will pull out a gun, shoot the two white men, and start to lower her head down toward the black man's private area. The lights will dim in order to spare participants from the blasphemous scene and they will be scurried along by a guide into the next room.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Room 4 - The House of Represent'nat! - Participants will enter a room where they will be seated to view a film. The film will show the new House of Representatives in session. Hundreds of colored men who have replaced all white state representatives are walking around, high-fiving each other and some are shooting hoops (statues of our founding fathers have been removed and basketball nets have been installed in their place toward the rear of the historical auditorium). The speaker will call the House to order by saying, "Yo yo my brothers! Obama be inna house!" A loud song by Busta Rhymes will begin to play and all of the U.S. Representatives will begin to gyrate their bodies and dance while strobe lights flash as Obama hip-hops up to the podium. Obama will say, "I'm all gangsta up in here! Who wants to rap first?" The film will last for roughly 10-minutes as participants view various black representatives "rapping" the latest issues of the day. Pastor Deacon Fred will then appear on the screen and shoot himself in the head.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Rooms 5- 6 - No Whites Allowed- Participants will be guided through a series of areas where they will see how coloreds receive special privileges under the Obama regime. They will pass a drinking fountain that says, "Blacks Only," a bathroom with a sign that says, "Find Another Place to Do Your Bizness if You is White," a family restaurant sign that says, "Serving Black Men Only," and a sign for executive homes that says, "All Black Community." Participants will then be guided into a small dark room with peeling wallpaper. The rank stench of urine and feces will be piped in through hoses attached to the Port-A-Potties outside Hell House. A spotlight will slowly focus onto a small plastic kiddy pool filled with naked old white men splashing about and laughing giddily. The sign over the pool will read, "Privileged White Democrat Servants of Master Obama Only."

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Room 7 - There goes the NeighborHOOD! - We saved the set and materials from this room from 2004 when we created the John Kerry's Bloodcurdling Agenda for America Hell House . Participants will be introduced to the harsh reality of a world where the government secretly distributes powdered cocaine into poor white communities to keep people down and unproductive. They will hear white people speaking Ebonics and walking around with giant radios on their shoulders. Children will be seen wearing baggy pants with their naked hind sides exposed. Participants will learn that decent children are now clothed with "hand me downs" from their older siblings because their parents can't afford to buy new clothes. There will be echoes of gunshots heard in the distance. Participants will learn that gangs of white kids are struggling for areas of land in their community called, "turf." After a few minutes, Landover Senior High students who are authentically costumed as black-faced police officers will run into the room as a white man approaches an old black woman. Just as the white man asks the old Negress if she knows what time it is, he will be beaten down and shot in the head before he even knows what hit him.


Again, we cannot stress enough that the additional $2 for the plastic ponchos is well worth it, as rancid pig's blood will be sprayed from the white man's head in Room 7 with extreme force onto the participants.


Salvation from Obama/Hell Opportunity - After leaving Room 7, participants will be guided by qualified church Deacons into a tent behind the ghetto complex where they will be presented with the gospel of Jesus Christ and registered as Republican voters.



More Information:

If you can't make it to Des Moines this year to visit our Hell House, feel free to take a terrifying journey through our online interactive Hell House by Clicking Here.



LEGAL NOTICE REGARDING HELL HOUSE LOCATION - Landover Baptist's annual Hell House opens its doors on October 3rd. The Biblical theme is, Obama's America: The Ghastly Ghetto of Demoncratic Terror! The event is open to the unsaved and will take place at a condemned apartment complex on Henderson Street in Des Moines, Iowa. The buildings were recently purchased by Exxon Mobil. Church leaders send a prayer of thanks to Christian officials Exxon who jumped at the chance during a recent stockholder's meeting to allow Landover Baptist Church to use the location one last time before it is bulldozed to create a Gas Station, Tiger Mart and a Christian mini-mall.

The Ghastly Ghetto of Demoncratic Terror is sacred ground for Hell House 2008. People who pay the $25 entry fee will be guided through a series of rooms where they will experience the daily horrors of a make-believe world that could exist if by some horrifying accident, Barack Obama were elected President of our Christian Nation. The Landover Baptist Senior High Youth Group carefully researched each horrifying room encounter by spending the last year surfing links they found on drudgereport.com, afa.net and rushlimbaugh.com. A summary of each room is found below. We hope to see you at this year's Hell House! And remember to bring along an unsaved Demoncrat! We guarantee they will switch parties and pants before they leave our church property!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Now why would Obama want to institute a theocracy in the form of a religion that he doesn't even practice? He's Christian, but unlike you, he wouldn't wish to violate the Constitution by instituting a Christian theocracy either.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Don't blame black men for the fact that your lovers find you physically inadequate.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Pastor Deacon Fred will then appear on the screen and shoot himself in the head.

One REALLY good reason to vote Obama.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Not gonna happen - you lot have just been pissed off ever since the end of Jim Crow took away your ability to rape black women with impunity and dangle any black man who defended them from a tree limb.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

How do you come up with this tripe?

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Is there any reason you couldn't have posted all that blather as one post, or were you too busy "huffing crack" to keep your focus for more than five seconds at a time?

Pastor Zeke, normally I enjoy the Hellhouses, but this one is just way too terrifying! I'm afraid if I go I won't be able to sleep for four years!

[Nobar King]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

SOMEONE'S trying to boost her post count~!

This year I'm going to voluteer to be a guide at the Hell-house.

I'm dressing up as Cornell West:


All I need is some black hair dye, some face paint, and a cheap suit.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

Is there any reason you couldn't have posted all that blather as one post, or were you too busy "huffing crack" to keep your focus for more than five seconds at a time?

Pastor Zeke, normally I enjoy the Hellhouses, but this one is just way too terrifying! I'm afraid if I go I won't be able to sleep for four years!

I posted my replies in the the same manner as Zeke posted the descriptions of the rooms.

[Nobar King]

Re: This Year's Hellhouse is a Smash Hit!

He did it like that so idiots like you wouldn't quote the entire text just to disagree with the Hell-house concept. You did it because you're an anti-social reject.

Don't blame black men for the fact that your lovers find you physically inadequate.

Is this your new bumper-sticker?