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Helloween for Christians!
Hello there, fellow children of God. Dr. Minister Josiah Phibes back again after hiatus. Recent tragic experiences have kept me from my blog for sometime now, but I am absolutely healed and ready to get out there and burn some sinners. And speaking of sinners, that leads me to today's sermon: Helloween.
Helloween approaches us very quickly. In fact, just over twenty-five days left until all of the children of the world go out to play in Satan's playground. But before I tell you what you should do on Helloween, how about a little history of what Helloween is actually about - a history lesson, if you will.
Helloween was started in 1951, shortly after WWII, but unfortunately before the Godly Senator Joseph McCarthy started making his rounds and weeding Communists, Satanists and Wiccans alike from our constituency. The unholy holiday was started by two men, Allen Schwartz and Franklin O'Reilly (no relation to the glorious Bill). Their intent in starting the unholiday was so that once per year, Jews and Gingers alike could wear masks, and therefore, would be treated as though they were real people with souls, instead of the Lord's ecumenical leftovers like they really are. This led not only to a Ginger president, the socialist, communist, and satanist known as JFK, and even eventually led to the Jewish takeover of Hollywood and the media one Helloween at a time (thanks to Rick Sanchez for the reference).
Now, over half a century later, we're dealing with the repercussions of this slow and gradual takeover, not only by having to deal with John Stewart on the Daily Show and being forced to sit through Stephen Speilberg movies, but also with our new gay-Ginger-godless-Jew-darky-Kenyan-born president, Barack Houssein Osama. But I digress...
Here is a list of things to avoid so that nobody mistakes you for a sinner this Helloween:
The pumpkin is a sinful fruit/vegetable thing that represents the hellfires of HELL! The pumpkin is orange. Orange is the color of fire. Not fire when it's really hot or fire when it's really cool, but fire when it's just in the middle - just right. Orange, you could say, is the Goldilocks of fire. You should avoid any fruit or vegetable that is orange. This includes squash, pumpkins, but not oranges. Oranges are good. They originate from the home of Joe Scarborough, Kathrine Harris and Jeb Bush, the good and sinless red state of Florida (also the home of Koran burning). You should eat many oranges to make up for all those people carving pumpkins. Besides, have you ever actually tasted a pumpkin? I'll sit down and eat my watermelon and cantaloupe - you just go ahead and dig into a pumpkin.
Helloween is a time of costumes and
masks, as well as a time where satanic women like to dress like whores. Among the most popular costumes this year are The Devil, The Grim Reaper and Osama Bin Laden. All symbols of the DEVIL! Avoid costumes altogether, but if you wish to infiltrate the sinners for any reason, keep this simple rules in mind. Dress as nothing that represents worship of false idols, i.e., Power Rangers, Family Guy, The Simpsons etc... Also, avoid sinful costumes such as the devil, reaper, ghosts, zombies (the only good one was the Lord), ghouls, vampires, werewolves, or any member of the cast of Glee. Be sure not to show any skin. Skin is not only the DEVIL, but it will also allow the Jews and Gingers to identify you at a later date because of decades of watching CSI and numerous other Jewish crime scene investigation shows. Don't wear a mask, because masks are the DEVIL! And last but not least, don't dress like an animal, as animals could be construed as a reference to the hoax known as (evil)ution.
Thank you, Pat Robertson and CBN, for pointing out that there are many candies out there in the world that would signify the worship of the devil. Candies like Red Hots, Mike and Ikes and Snickers (I knew a girl once who...well, let's just leave it at that).
Anything scary is the devil. This includes spiders, non-church organ music, blood, lizards, bears, skeletons, fire, and Al Franken.
Last but not least, keep yourself armed. The children have been programmed by Jews, Gingers and other Pagans to terrorize your home should you not give them candy. This is why the Lord wrote the Second Amendment. Shoot to kill in the name of the lord, as the good book of Leviticus says you should.
In the end, this holiday is a sick and twisted one that deserves no respect or tolerance. This Helloween, instead of listening to the Monster Mash, how about you try my new hit single from my album, The Menstrual Shack Attack, entitled "The Messiah Mash," which you can find at http://the-official-god-blog.blogspo...hristians.html.
Hello there, fellow children of God. Dr. Minister Josiah Phibes back again after hiatus. Recent tragic experiences have kept me from my blog for sometime now, but I am absolutely healed and ready to get out there and burn some sinners. And speaking of sinners, that leads me to today's sermon: Helloween.
Helloween approaches us very quickly. In fact, just over twenty-five days left until all of the children of the world go out to play in Satan's playground. But before I tell you what you should do on Helloween, how about a little history of what Helloween is actually about - a history lesson, if you will.
Helloween was started in 1951, shortly after WWII, but unfortunately before the Godly Senator Joseph McCarthy started making his rounds and weeding Communists, Satanists and Wiccans alike from our constituency. The unholy holiday was started by two men, Allen Schwartz and Franklin O'Reilly (no relation to the glorious Bill). Their intent in starting the unholiday was so that once per year, Jews and Gingers alike could wear masks, and therefore, would be treated as though they were real people with souls, instead of the Lord's ecumenical leftovers like they really are. This led not only to a Ginger president, the socialist, communist, and satanist known as JFK, and even eventually led to the Jewish takeover of Hollywood and the media one Helloween at a time (thanks to Rick Sanchez for the reference).
Now, over half a century later, we're dealing with the repercussions of this slow and gradual takeover, not only by having to deal with John Stewart on the Daily Show and being forced to sit through Stephen Speilberg movies, but also with our new gay-Ginger-godless-Jew-darky-Kenyan-born president, Barack Houssein Osama. But I digress...
Here is a list of things to avoid so that nobody mistakes you for a sinner this Helloween:
Pumpkins!
The pumpkin is a sinful fruit/vegetable thing that represents the hellfires of HELL! The pumpkin is orange. Orange is the color of fire. Not fire when it's really hot or fire when it's really cool, but fire when it's just in the middle - just right. Orange, you could say, is the Goldilocks of fire. You should avoid any fruit or vegetable that is orange. This includes squash, pumpkins, but not oranges. Oranges are good. They originate from the home of Joe Scarborough, Kathrine Harris and Jeb Bush, the good and sinless red state of Florida (also the home of Koran burning). You should eat many oranges to make up for all those people carving pumpkins. Besides, have you ever actually tasted a pumpkin? I'll sit down and eat my watermelon and cantaloupe - you just go ahead and dig into a pumpkin.
Costumes!
Helloween is a time of costumes and
masks, as well as a time where satanic women like to dress like whores. Among the most popular costumes this year are The Devil, The Grim Reaper and Osama Bin Laden. All symbols of the DEVIL! Avoid costumes altogether, but if you wish to infiltrate the sinners for any reason, keep this simple rules in mind. Dress as nothing that represents worship of false idols, i.e., Power Rangers, Family Guy, The Simpsons etc... Also, avoid sinful costumes such as the devil, reaper, ghosts, zombies (the only good one was the Lord), ghouls, vampires, werewolves, or any member of the cast of Glee. Be sure not to show any skin. Skin is not only the DEVIL, but it will also allow the Jews and Gingers to identify you at a later date because of decades of watching CSI and numerous other Jewish crime scene investigation shows. Don't wear a mask, because masks are the DEVIL! And last but not least, don't dress like an animal, as animals could be construed as a reference to the hoax known as (evil)ution.Candy!
Thank you, Pat Robertson and CBN, for pointing out that there are many candies out there in the world that would signify the worship of the devil. Candies like Red Hots, Mike and Ikes and Snickers (I knew a girl once who...well, let's just leave it at that).
Anything scary!
Anything scary is the devil. This includes spiders, non-church organ music, blood, lizards, bears, skeletons, fire, and Al Franken.
Last but not least, keep yourself armed. The children have been programmed by Jews, Gingers and other Pagans to terrorize your home should you not give them candy. This is why the Lord wrote the Second Amendment. Shoot to kill in the name of the lord, as the good book of Leviticus says you should.
In the end, this holiday is a sick and twisted one that deserves no respect or tolerance. This Helloween, instead of listening to the Monster Mash, how about you try my new hit single from my album, The Menstrual Shack Attack, entitled "The Messiah Mash," which you can find at http://the-official-god-blog.blogspo...hristians.html.
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