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Some months ago, a young lady with a wart upon her face tried to enter the church here in Salem. Naturally, the ushers would not let her in, and rebuked her, saying:
Leviticus 21:17-19
Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
Leviticus 21:23
Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.
The young lady was saddened, as she could merely pass a check to the ushers to put in the collection plate and sit in the alley behind the church, listening to the beautiful music and worship in progress, perhaps sharing some wine with one of the alley's residents.
Seeing her sorrow, I consulted with the Pastors at Landover to discuss the problem. After all, this Godly woman, who tithed of her deceased husband's fortune regularly, was not being allowed to join in worship because the Lord could not bear the sight of the blemish upon her countenance. After much prayer and heartfelt discussion, we came upon a solution:
Blemish Abatement Garment System©
This new ministry, not yet approved for use at Landover but being tested here in Salem, will bring that poor woman -- and anyone who should have an acne breakout or other unsightly disfigurement -- closer to God and make her acceptable in His sight!
The BAGS© ministry has two steps. First, you are provided with a golden Blemish Abatement Garment™ , as seen here:
Whenever you enter God's Favorite Church, simply wearing your Blemish Abatement Garment™ distracts Him from the abominations thereunder. He does like shiny golden things; you see, they distract Him from all the sin and evil in the world He created, and allow Him to momentarily forget that His perfect creation rejects Him and His Word daily. That's why He hasn't struck down the Catlickers so far, because their Pope wears shiny hats and gowns to make Him smile.
Once you've demonstrated your true commitment to Jesus with sufficient tithing or a substantial single donation, Freehold's best cosmetic surgeons (the ones the Godly Betty Bowers would use, if she ever wanted to alter her blemishless visage) have the talents to repair most any BAGS© member's blemish!
I am pleased to report that this past Sunday, the blemished young woman attended services, wearing her Blemish Abatement Garment™. Not only was she NOT struck by lightning, but she received many compliments on her new look. She was so overwhelmed with the love of the Lord that she doubled her monthly tithe!
PRAISE©!
Leviticus 21:17-19
Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.
For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,
Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;
Leviticus 21:23
Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries: for I the LORD do sanctify them.
The young lady was saddened, as she could merely pass a check to the ushers to put in the collection plate and sit in the alley behind the church, listening to the beautiful music and worship in progress, perhaps sharing some wine with one of the alley's residents.
Seeing her sorrow, I consulted with the Pastors at Landover to discuss the problem. After all, this Godly woman, who tithed of her deceased husband's fortune regularly, was not being allowed to join in worship because the Lord could not bear the sight of the blemish upon her countenance. After much prayer and heartfelt discussion, we came upon a solution:
Blemish Abatement Garment System©
This new ministry, not yet approved for use at Landover but being tested here in Salem, will bring that poor woman -- and anyone who should have an acne breakout or other unsightly disfigurement -- closer to God and make her acceptable in His sight!
The BAGS© ministry has two steps. First, you are provided with a golden Blemish Abatement Garment™ , as seen here:
Whenever you enter God's Favorite Church, simply wearing your Blemish Abatement Garment™ distracts Him from the abominations thereunder. He does like shiny golden things; you see, they distract Him from all the sin and evil in the world He created, and allow Him to momentarily forget that His perfect creation rejects Him and His Word daily. That's why He hasn't struck down the Catlickers so far, because their Pope wears shiny hats and gowns to make Him smile.Once you've demonstrated your true commitment to Jesus with sufficient tithing or a substantial single donation, Freehold's best cosmetic surgeons (the ones the Godly Betty Bowers would use, if she ever wanted to alter her blemishless visage) have the talents to repair most any BAGS© member's blemish!
I am pleased to report that this past Sunday, the blemished young woman attended services, wearing her Blemish Abatement Garment™. Not only was she NOT struck by lightning, but she received many compliments on her new look. She was so overwhelmed with the love of the Lord that she doubled her monthly tithe!
PRAISE©!
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