Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

[Johny Joe Hold]

One of our most beloved citizens of Freehold is Mrs. Annie Anderson. A widow, she lives alone. As she moved into her senior years people started visiting her for advice and dropping off notes asking about this and that. Eventually, people outside of Freehold heard about her wisdom and now she receives letters asking for advice. I asked her if we here at Landover Baptist could share some of the letters she receives and her reply. She graciously consented so I am sharing one today. She is known far and wide as "Aunt Annie."

Dear Aunt Annie--I am so distraught. My dear husband was raised in a devout Catholic home. I, of course, could not consider marrying a Catholic so I required him to convert and be a Baptist. Now we are expecting a baby. His father demands that the baby receive a Catholic Baptism. I was horrified to hear him say that. My husband just shrugs and says we should go through with it, then raise our child Baptist. This seems so dishonest. What should I do?

Dear Distraught--I am so sympathetic to your dilemma. You must, of course, do what your husband instructs you to do, suffer through a Catholic baptism. There is a way to mitigate its influence, however. Immediately after the baptism, bath your child completely washing off all influence of an unclean religion. Then toss the baptism baby gown into a disinfectant to destroy what might remain. You could also simply burn the gown. By doing this, my dear, you can have a clear conscience about your child's salvation.

Auntie Annie.

[Isabella White]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

Oh, my; yes, dear Mrs. Anderson. I have been meaning to call her and to invite her to tea; but, goodness knows, the summer is slipping past quickly. I do thank you for mentioning her, dear Brother Mayor Hold, and I shall make a call soon.

Annie has always had a great penchant in offering no-nonsense, common-sense advice. I can think of many people who have benefited from her words of wisdom. Her response to Mrs. Distraught shows that she is as keen as ever. Nobody should go through life worrying that their innocent child will grow up with intentions of curtsying to statues.

Exodus 20:4 "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth."

Particularly, I like Annie's recommendation that the baptism gown should be burned. After having a Cathyolick fake baptism, any number of demons could attach themselves to the gown, and then to the wee one. Nobody needs to have a possessed gown in the household; dear help us! And we're not the only ones who feel this way. This was a popular topic on Pat Robertson's television broadcast one time, as you shall see here:

[WWJDnow]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

After our Landover pastors, President Trump, and Jesus, Auntie Annie is the wisest person on the planet--truly the salt of the Earth. She's like a living, breathing Book of Proverbs.

I still remember how she helped when my sister dyed her hair purple and started dating a black man. My father was ready to cut my sister completely out of our lives, but Auntie Annie's sage advice--to use planted evidence to set the black boyfriend up to be busted for cocaine possession--saved our family.

I'm happy to report that my sister is now happily married (to a junior pastor at Landover, no less!) and is raising six beautiful, white Christian children. And her hair is dyed a respectable color. That is dedication to Christian family values!

I pray that Auntie Annie will join us here on the forums regularly to share her wisdom and compassion with a wider audience.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

Dear Aunt Annie--I am so distraught. My dear husband was raised in a devout Catholic home. I, of course, could not consider marrying a Catholic so I required him to convert and be a Baptist. Now we are expecting a baby. His father demands that the baby receive a Catholic Baptism. I was horrified to hear him say that. My husband just shrugs and says we should go through with it, then raise our child Baptist. This seems so dishonest. What should I do?

The bells were ringing loud and clear!

How exactly would someone unable to consider marrying a Catholic..ever be in a position to get a proposal from one?

The mind boggles. And furthermore, having hooked up with a shameless idolator who already lies about popes being Christians (whether their creatures know what God has commanded is a moot point because surely popes have read The Bible's prohibition against the word Papa or Pater or Father or whatever it is in your language) so how much easier the lesser lie to be a Baptist becomes? It's a no-brainer.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

I've met 'Aunt Annie' several times. I was impressed with her kind and thoughtful rebuking of those that failed to toe the line.
I certainly will pray she is able to continue to provider her home spun simplistic truths about how to live and why we must follow Gods Holy Word(r).


I'll never forget her at the Last Picnic we had. She was trying to make a point and all these ragamuffin children were running about causing a ruckus. Well, Aunt Annie politely (as always) asked them to calm down lest God tosses them into a pit of fire. Well, the kids did not heed her word. Somehow, one tripped on her outstretched cane (poor dear having bunions) and fell face first on to the grill, causing several hamburgers to fall as the childs face was seared. Aunt Annie, when checking the little childs face said 'Yup, looks like a brimstone burn to me, half way to hell'. Well wouldn't you know it, all the littluns minded her for the rest of the day.


I do have a question for Aunt Annie, if and when she has the time to answer (I hate to bother God with these day to day issues).


I notice some of the help 'eye ball' each other. Almost like they care for one another, which is not possible for mere creatures. Any suggestions as to what should be done about it? Just so you know, all here have taken the 'Christianity Pledge' and they must be Christians. Could they be liars?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

I do have a question for Aunt Annie, if and when she has the time to answer (I hate to bother God with these day to day issues).
I notice some of the help 'eye ball' each other. Almost like they care for one another, which is not possible for mere creatures. Any suggestions as to what should be done about it? Just so you know, all here have taken the 'Christianity Pledge' and they must be Christians. Could they be liars?

I'll copy and paste what Aunt Annie replied:

Dear Mr. Hutchins (I'd rather call you Jimmy, you handsome devil):
Here's the thing with employees in your estate, when they look at each other you need to check the men instantly. If there is a mouse crawling around the crotch area you need to give it a swift kick. Sexual thoughts among the help doesn't help get your rooms clean nor get food on the table. The Bible (Matt. 5:28) tells us lust in the heart is the same thing as adultery.
Now, Jimmy, if I was 30 years younger I might give you a mouse.
Aunt Annie

[James Hutchins]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

I'll copy and paste what Aunt Annie replied:

Dear Mr. Hutchins (I'd rather call you Jimmy, you handsome devil):
Here's the thing with employees in your estate, when they look at each other you need to check the men instantly. If there is a mouse crawling around the crotch area you need to give it a swift kick. Sexual thoughts among the help doesn't help get your rooms clean nor get food on the table. The Bible (Matt. 5:28) tells us lust in the heart is the same thing as adultery.
Now, Jimmy, if I was 30 years younger I might give you a mouse.
Aunt Annie

You have certainly managed to pen my eyes, Aunt Annie. I know the mandingos have an effect and it has been known to release unbridled savagery.
I appreciate your kind words and I will think about them as I sleep with Jesus.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

Ugh!


Aunt Annie, I have a question (rather one of the Hutchins girls has a question).
She is nearing 14 years old and no boys will spend time with her. She has 'that smell', you know. I've tried a Lysol dip. Some suggested leaving her in an alley in the hopes someone comes along and takes her but I do not want to run afoul of the law (you know how the liebrals are!)
What is a father to do?

[Joanna Lytton-Vasey]

Re: Ask Aunt Annie: The Catholic Father-in-Law

Brother Hutchins, have you considered contacting Brother H. Montague Worthington? He is no longer in the first flush of youth, but I believe the sense of smell deteriorates with age and (having been disappointed in marital intentions with one of my stepdaughters) he might be prepared to take her off your hands.