How can I get married?

[Gurl in Glass]

I have a problem and I don't know how to handle it.

I previously led a life dedicated to sin and mocking God, but I have recently turned my life over to Christ. Now I want to do my womanly duty, get married and start making little soldiers for Christ. There's a problem, though: my daddy. The Bible says he's supposed to be the one to decide who I marry, but he won't do it! He says all this secular garbage about how I can find someone myself and that he trusts my judgement!

What would the proper Christian thing to do under these circumstances?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: How can I get married?

I have a problem and I don't know how to handle it.

I previously led a life dedicated to sin and mocking God, but I have recently turned my life over to Christ. Now I want to do my womanly duty, get married and start making little soldiers for Christ. There's a problem, though: my daddy. The Bible says he's supposed to be the one to decide who I marry, but he won't do it! He says all this secular garbage about how I can find someone myself and that he trusts my judgement!

What would the proper Christian thing to do under these circumstances?

No, you may decide who you want to marry. All your father has to do is agree to the price he is offering, and show proof that you were a virgin when you were married. Typically, the father enters the bridal suite early the morning after the wedding and pulls the sheets off the bed.

Sure it interrupts any sleep you may have had, but he has to show the bloodstains stains on the sheet to the husband and HIS family to prove that you were pure beforehand.

Unfortunately, it sometimes happens that the hubby drinks a bit too much at the reception and cannot consumate the marriage. If that happens, it is your fault for being a harlot and your father has to give back the money and take you back if the new hubby says so. In Mudslum countries you would be stoned to death, but we are not savages here at Landover.

Naturally he can never marry you off to anyone else, so you will probably end up a spinster without our help.

We at Landover are sensitive to issues like this, and sometimes we can help find you a GODLY husband who will smack around properly if you misbehave. We have helped innocent young women who accidentally fell on a vegetable or children's toy and may have ummm.....well, we can certify your virginity. Our staff of highly trained Pastors is quite remarkable at finding proof that others have missed, even if it required you to board for a semester (just over nine months) at Landover College like Bristol Palin did last year.

Naturally, this requires tuition. I suggest that you go take out a student loan for a semester...$50,000 ought to do it and contact me, Pastor Al, if I can be of further assistance.