Divine Emmigration

[London_via_Landover]

Good day brothers,

I come with grave news. Today I was walking down my local street and believed I was sliding down Satan's slippery pole to hell.

I saw harlots barely out of their whore-mother's wombs, pushing prams with demon kiddies, peering their bald skulls and piercing hateful eyes in the false security of their Maclaren hellwagons.

Scallywags in school uniforms cussing the lords name; swigging cans of Coke and disobeying their liberal, backboneless single parents.

I must rid myself of this unholy place. Will someone help me to move to the beautiful lands of America? I can leave tommorow if need bees. Perhaps someone can sponsor a flight (Virgin Atlantic Business Class preferably), or put me up in their Christ's Loveshack for a few months.

God bless ye all

Big B

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Divine Emmigration

It doesn't work like that. You have to save yourself. If you need instructions you can read the KJV1611 Holy Bible and if you have questions feel free to ask them here. We are always glad to help a lost soul.

[Jedediah]

Re: Divine Emmigration

I think you would like it here in Piggett. And frankly, I could use a little help around the ranch. I had planned on bringing in a bunch of Haitian kids after the earthquake, but I'm having a hard time getting them into the country. Apparently, their parents are causing a stink and calling our Idaho friends in charge of the operation "kidnappers," among other things. We're just trying to give them an opportunity to learn American and get Saved®.

A fellow deacon at Piggett Bible Church is an attorney-at-law. I will have to check with him about the indentured servitude laws. I could pay your airfare, fill out the paperwork for your visa, and let you stay in my barn loft in exchange for, say, 15 years of your labor.

If by then you have accepted Christ Jesus as your personal LORD and Savior, and you exhibit steadfast respect for the Free Enterprise System, we can find a lovely widow for you to marry and become a True American™. At that point, you may begin working toward your own personal American Dream!