[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

What's Mr. Whitford's name when 'he' isn't in drag as a man?

Pastor Al! We keep telling you he wasn't trying to come on to you in the church restroom the other day! He just does his business with a wide stance!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Dear Sister Mary Maria,

I don't know who to ask about this sensitive problem. I caught my brother doing the m thing. At first i just shut the door and went off to my room to cry. Then later i realized it was my duty to make him stop. I told him he'd go to Hell because you shouldn't spill your seed on the ground. But he said he was using a sock so it was ok. Is this true?
kathy smith

Kathy, I have some bad news for you. Your brother is male, and so he obviously has a tallywhacker. When he defiles himself that way, he is having sexual pleasure by touching male body parts, and what kind of "man" enjoys touching tallywhackers? A filthy sodomite, of course.
All is not lost yet, however. Currently he's only touching himself down there, but the next step is touching other men, and from there it's a short trip to touching boys, perhaps even degenerating enough to join the Catlick "church" as a "priest".
There should still be time for an intervention. Set up an immediate appointment with the church's pastors, and look into getting your brother into Betty Bowers' BASH Ministry as soon as possible. If this is caught early, it can be turned around before he starts wearing make-up and sashaying around San Fransissyco looking for a sugar daddy.
After all of that, we haven't even touched on the murder yet! Every seed he spills is the deliberate killing of an unborn baby that should have been deposited in the womb of his Godly wife. If God chooses to kill the babies by causing them to be flushed from his tallywhacker in his sleep, that's one thing. But for him to do it himself is playing God, and that just won't do.
Until you can get him to the pastors and to the BASH headquarters, there is only one other thing you can do. Pray. Pray hard, and get your brother to pray too. I shall pray too. God bless you, Kathy, that you should care so much about saving your brother's soul when your parents are obviously drugged up hippies with an anything goes lifestyle, or they would have put an end to this foolishness before it even got started.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Excellent reply, but you did not quote scripture.

Many false Christians are unaware that the Bible clearly states that sperms are human beings, ("Before you where in the womb I knew ye") and that the proper treatment for homosexuality is execution.

Quoting scripture will make it difficult for your readers to ignore your advice.

Looks like we"re going to need a tiebreaker.

[Talitha]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Excellent reply, but you did not quote scripture.


Quoting scripture will make it difficult for your readers to ignore your advice.

Looks like we"re going to need a tiebreaker.

She's an Ex-Cattlicker what do you expect?
Stupid Wench probably doesn't know any Scripture!! The only "previous experience she's likely to have had is being diddled by Mother Superior or one of hose Cattylicking Priests.
For her information I AM NOT A SPINSTER
I have been VERY happily Married many times before Jesus took away my dear beloved.

Oh................ About a year ago I got this "Gut-Wrenching" letter which may help to be the tie-breaker. Although this is all getting a litle boring now.

Dear Sister Talitha.
As you can see from this letter-head I am writing to you from a Convent.
We have a Computer in the Convent Offices which I sneak out of bed and use at night. I found your Church mentioned many times and realise what a kind, considerate and generous person YOU are.
Have you ever thought of being an agony Aunt?

I have been a Catholic all my life and at the tender age of 12 became a Nun.
Please Sister Talitha HELP ME! I have to get out of here and escape the clutches of all these wicked people. Mother Superior is the worst of the lot and when she gets out her Clockwork Cucumber I think my life is going to end!
I hate it here and would certainly give my life over to Jesus Christ if I ever escape this Catholic nightmare.
Yours in Mary
Sister MarY Maria O'Flattery

Of course normally I wouldn't give away the persons full name but.............. Hey-Ho.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Strange that there would be two Mary Marias in this world, but that other one has the clear misfortune of being Irish! Why, she must spend almost as much time under the influence of alcohol as yourself, dear sister!
I do have to wonder what she means by "agony aunt" though. Is that some Mick term for bull dyke such as yourself as most Irish papist nuns aspire to be?

[Talitha]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

This was my reply to that ungrateful Mary Worshipper...........

My Dear Mary Worshipping Cattlicking Papist Pig.
While I wouldn't normally bother answering such a letter from an obvious trollop I feel it is my Christian duty to help you. Your plight reminds me of:

Exodus 23:
If thou meet thine enemy's ox or his assgoing astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again. If thou see the ass of him that hateth thee lying under his burden, and wouldest forbear to help him, thou shalt surely help with him. Thou shalt not wrest the judgment of thy poor in his cause.

My first suggestion is that I forward your letter to a Senior Pastor who is an expert in such matters. Perhaps then we can send a Team out and rescue from your captors.
Of course, you would have to renounce your Cannibalistic ways and your Lesbian style love of Mary but I'm sure with the right kind of True Christian™ help you can be Reborn to the love of Jesus Christ.
Yours in Christ
Sister Talitha

The rest (as they say) IS HISTORY.

By the way, I do NOT have a Drink OR Drug problem. A few Egg-Noggs with Sister SUV is all I am allowed. The white powder was just a misunderstanding.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Okay, here's the tie-breaker question, for you both to answer. It's a tough one:

I got back from camp this past Sunday. (i know its a little late) But it still counts. Anyways, I went to church camp this past week. And it was TOTALLY AWESOME!!! YEA-AH! lol Yep sry Im a lil excited at the moment. (YAY!) Yep there was a few people that got saved during camp.

On saturday night...(the last night) We had night church and then there was alter call. So me and my friend went up to pray. She has been having trouble gettin over her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years breakin up w/her in March. (Ya I know but thats another story in itself) But anyways, we went up there and she cried and I was there to help her somewhat. And I told her to give it all to God. So yeah...We went back and sat down in our pews and she starts crying again. So Im sitting behind her holding her and hugging her and tellin her that God will take care of it. Then I look at my friend Alisha and she has 'that look' on her face, so Im like, "Alisha? are you ok? do you wanna go up there?" and shes like no im fine im fine. And I just sat there and looked at her b/c I knew she needed and wanted to go. And finally shes like yes i want to go come w/me please. So im like OK! And so we went up there and before we make it to the stage she starts balling. And So im sittin there w/her and shes huggin me and cryin on me and im just tellin her give it all to God He can fix it beyond our imagination. He can make it a thousand times better than we could ever dream of fixing it. So Im tryin to get her to talk about it or at least give me some idea of whats wrong. (not that im tryin to be in her biz or nuttin I know that it helps to talk to someone bout stuff though). So we went back and Im tryin to calm her down and make sure shes breathing ok. (she has a lung thing or sumtin) But ya... my BFF is still cryin so I have one of my other friends w/her and talkin to her. Alishas friends are talkin to her then one of the girls from my church comes up and starts balling on my shoulder and so I made sure that Alishas friends were helpin her then I talked to Shai (my friend who goes 2 church w/me) And we sit there and talk for a lil bit. And then my cousin comes over to me and sits down and starts crying her eyes out! (so im sittin there w/a friend on the left arm, a cousin on the right, and lookin at alisha, and holdin my BFFs hand) AT THE SAME TIME!!! God was really stretching me thin that night. But its ok. So my one friend stops crying and is ok now. So now im tryin to figure out wats up w/my cousin C. And we sit there and talk for a while and then I see Alisha go BACK up to the alter, and so Im like Shai can you take care of C and talk to her while I go check on Alisha? And shes like yes. SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out. And her friends finally go sit back down. And she starts talkin to me and shes like lets go to a corner so I can talk. And so we do. And shes tellin me all this stuff. ANd Im like have you told ur friends this yet? Shes like NO. And please dont tell them. So im like no I wont but you shoudl tell them so they know whats up and they can help you and be there for you. B/c I know they are your true friends and will be there for you. Plus you can always talk to me. And if not God is for sure always there no matter what! lol. But ya I think it helped her.
Then when we got up and walked back to our pews. I checked on my BFF and she was talkin to her friend. So she was ok then. So I check on my other friend and my cuz. And they are better so we all hug and they go outside. Well I was lookin around and seein of any of my guy friends were up there. (girls and boys wur separated during services, lol)
I saw my lil bros friend Ty up there so I go pray w/him b/c he was by himself. (keep in mind that I cant stand this kid and hes my bros annoying friend) But God was tellin me that I need to at least gp up there and pray w/him. So i did and he was crying. (this kid dont cry! like at all!) So I knew sumtin was up. So im like Ty if u need 2 talk u can talk 2 me. ok? ANd i just kept sayin that. And all of a sudden hes like "I dont know Jesus" Im like WHOA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! (sry but i was not expecting him to say that) And I smiled real big and im like "would you like to?" And hes like yes I would. he said he always used 2 act like he was saved but he really wasnt. So I helped him w/the salvation prayer. And I had the camp director come over and talk to him. And so YAY! lol After she was done talkn 2 him I was liek go tell my bro! Do IT!. lol And so hes like ok i will. And i was like ok. So we walked outside w/everyone else.
Anyways Sunday night at youth group. Well first we went to 'big' church. ANd told the adults bout our camp experience. And ya. Then we went back downstairs to have youth. Well after class one kid got rededicated and my other lil cuz DW got saved! and then my friend Justin got saved! WHOOHOOO! It was an awesome week! lemme tell ya!

LOl I thought I should share w/you how truly awesome God is and how HE WILL use you when you are ready. And how awesome it is to be one of His kids! WHOOOHOOO! (sry my lil Jesus high) lol

Well I guess thats it for now.

~God Bless~

Please do not exploit the fact that I haven't read much of it.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Okay, here's the tie-breaker question, for you both to answer. It's a tough one:

Please do not exploit the fact that I haven't read much of it.

I just got as far as this:

SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out.

That person clearly needs some very good advice, quite urgently.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

I got back from camp this past Sunday. (i know its a little late) But it still counts. Anyways, I went to church camp this past week. And it was TOTALLY AWESOME!!! YEA-AH! lol Yep sry Im a lil excited at the moment. (YAY!) Yep there was a few people that got saved during camp.

On saturday night...(the last night) We had night church and then there was alter call. So me and my friend went up to pray. She has been having trouble gettin over her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years breakin up w/her in March. (Ya I know but thats another story in itself) But anyways, we went up there and she cried and I was there to help her somewhat. And I told her to give it all to God. So yeah...We went back and sat down in our pews and she starts crying again. So Im sitting behind her holding her and hugging her and tellin her that God will take care of it. Then I look at my friend Alisha and she has 'that look' on her face, so Im like, "Alisha? are you ok? do you wanna go up there?" and shes like no im fine im fine. And I just sat there and looked at her b/c I knew she needed and wanted to go. And finally shes like yes i want to go come w/me please. So im like OK! And so we went up there and before we make it to the stage she starts balling. And So im sittin there w/her and shes huggin me and cryin on me and im just tellin her give it all to God He can fix it beyond our imagination. He can make it a thousand times better than we could ever dream of fixing it. So Im tryin to get her to talk about it or at least give me some idea of whats wrong. (not that im tryin to be in her biz or nuttin I know that it helps to talk to someone bout stuff though). So we went back and Im tryin to calm her down and make sure shes breathing ok. (she has a lung thing or sumtin) But ya... my BFF is still cryin so I have one of my other friends w/her and talkin to her. Alishas friends are talkin to her then one of the girls from my church comes up and starts balling on my shoulder and so I made sure that Alishas friends were helpin her then I talked to Shai (my friend who goes 2 church w/me) And we sit there and talk for a lil bit. And then my cousin comes over to me and sits down and starts crying her eyes out! (so im sittin there w/a friend on the left arm, a cousin on the right, and lookin at alisha, and holdin my BFFs hand) AT THE SAME TIME!!! God was really stretching me thin that night. But its ok. So my one friend stops crying and is ok now. So now im tryin to figure out wats up w/my cousin C. And we sit there and talk for a while and then I see Alisha go BACK up to the alter, and so Im like Shai can you take care of C and talk to her while I go check on Alisha? And shes like yes. SO I go back up w/Alisha and shes still ballin her eyes out. And her friends finally go sit back down. And she starts talkin to me and shes like lets go to a corner so I can talk. And so we do. And shes tellin me all this stuff. ANd Im like have you told ur friends this yet? Shes like NO. And please dont tell them. So im like no I wont but you shoudl tell them so they know whats up and they can help you and be there for you. B/c I know they are your true friends and will be there for you. Plus you can always talk to me. And if not God is for sure always there no matter what! lol. But ya I think it helped her.
Then when we got up and walked back to our pews. I checked on my BFF and she was talkin to her friend. So she was ok then. So I check on my other friend and my cuz. And they are better so we all hug and they go outside. Well I was lookin around and seein of any of my guy friends were up there. (girls and boys wur separated during services, lol)
I saw my lil bros friend Ty up there so I go pray w/him b/c he was by himself. (keep in mind that I cant stand this kid and hes my bros annoying friend) But God was tellin me that I need to at least gp up there and pray w/him. So i did and he was crying. (this kid dont cry! like at all!) So I knew sumtin was up. So im like Ty if u need 2 talk u can talk 2 me. ok? ANd i just kept sayin that. And all of a sudden hes like "I dont know Jesus" Im like WHOA WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?! (sry but i was not expecting him to say that) And I smiled real big and im like "would you like to?" And hes like yes I would. he said he always used 2 act like he was saved but he really wasnt. So I helped him w/the salvation prayer. And I had the camp director come over and talk to him. And so YAY! lol After she was done talkn 2 him I was liek go tell my bro! Do IT!. lol And so hes like ok i will. And i was like ok. So we walked outside w/everyone else.
Anyways Sunday night at youth group. Well first we went to 'big' church. ANd told the adults bout our camp experience. And ya. Then we went back downstairs to have youth. Well after class one kid got rededicated and my other lil cuz DW got saved! and then my friend Justin got saved! WHOOHOOO! It was an awesome week! lemme tell ya!

LOl I thought I should share w/you how truly awesome God is and how HE WILL use you when you are ready. And how awesome it is to be one of His kids! WHOOOHOOO! (sry my lil Jesus high) lol

Well I guess thats it for now.

~God Bless~

Amber (you didn't sign this, but I suspect your name is likely "Amber"), first let me say how wonderful it is that the Lord only cursed you with middling retardation, so that some of the words you type are readable. Not a lot of them though, which is why, with His help, I'm going to try to do the best I can to help you.
Now if I understand correctly, your friend is a fornicator who is having regrets over spreading her legs outside the bounds of marriage. She should be regretful, as God does not have kind regard for fornicators.

1 Corinthians 6:9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind

It is nice to hear that through your fog of retardation, you realize that the only way to true happiness is through Jesus, even if you don't have the mental capacity to really accept him into your heart. However, I am concerned that you were "hangin' with" this tramp while she was availing herself to any sailor that set into port.

1 Corinthians 5:9 I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators:
5:10 Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world.
5:11 But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.

By keeping company with this harlot, you are risking God's wrath, and He may decide to make you a complete retarded, drooling in a wheelchair, unable to ever accept His gift of salvation. The best thing you can do for your soul and hers is to harshly rebuke her, then never talk to her again unless she gives herself fully over to Christ instead of giving herself over to random men she meets in parks.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

This was my reply to that ungrateful Mary Worshipper...........


The rest (as they say) IS HISTORY.

By the way, I do NOT have a Drink OR Drug problem. A few Egg-Noggs with Sister SUV is all I am allowed. The white powder was just a misunderstanding.

I'm glad you gave that papist sow what for. Perhaps your Christian love has put her on the path to salvation that has saved me and brought me to Jesus and my husband, Mr. Whitford.
Maybe you could ask her to meet you on the same street corner you used to work before you were Saved and give her a gift of syphillis a King James Bible. Such True Christian(tm) charity would most certainly be rewarded!

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

Well it seems my reply was so good, I've scared Sister Tequila off. PRAISE!

[Father Glenn Danzig (On Moderation)]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

EDIT: Anti-Christian Hate Speech Deleted.

Don't Hijack threads Danzig for your racists rants. Since you can't behave yourself you have been placed under moderation preview before you can post. BJ

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

---

Listen up, you hate filled, venom spewing, demon worshiper. You are not fooling anyone. We know who "Glenn Danzig" was -- a sorcerer and Devil worshiper who sang songs glorifying demons, werewolves, zombies, vampires, and other abominations. I am very happy to report that he is burning in Hell as we speak, being butt-raped by the same demons he adored so much in life.

Begone! Darken our Godly forum no more!

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

...Dr. Laurie stuck close to the Bible.

She stuck to many things but that was mostly to do with her weight and lack of personal hygiene.

For a proper source of scripture based advice I offer my humble services.




Bless you, my future Papists,
Father Mo

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Re: Job Opening: Advice columnist

If this is the best we've got on deck, perhaps we could coax Shirlee Phelps-Dodge out of her semi-retirement instead.