Introducing: Landover Baptist Salvation Buddy!

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

In keeping with Landover Baptist's stellar reputation for leading the pack in all things Salvation® related, I am proud to introduce the very first program to help newly Saved Christians in their walk with Christ: The Landover Baptist Salvation Buddy program!

While there have been some rumblings recently around the United States about this program (after all, Landover is a master of marketing all things Christ-related!), this marks the first unveiling of the program. We all know that the first year of one's walk with Christ is the hardest: Satan works overtime in all manners of ways, trying to use "logic", "common sense" and "reason" to sway young Christians from their newfound faith. Especially in these trying times leading towards the Rapture, the Lord knows that it is difficult to hang on to the dwindling flock in the face of such adversities that are rampant in today's world.

Therefore, we here at Landover have instituted a plan whereby a new Christian, immediately upon clearance of their first Tithe & Substantial Offering check, will be introduced to their Salvation Buddy. This buddy will be responsible for spending the entire first year of Christ with this new convert, and help to ensure that their walk with Christ will be rewarding and worthy of Landover's approval.

Duties of the Salvation Buddy™ include:

• Spending every waking moment (and some non-waking) with the new convert. New Christians often tend to be tempted into bad habits picked up before they were Born Again in Christ. Bad habits may include (but are not limited to): free (or critical) thinking, using reason, listening to their minds instead of their hearts, spending their money on worldly foibles instead of on Ministry, etc.
  
• Keeping a watchful eye on the new convert's finances, ensuring that Jesus receives His full 10% tithe (gross, not net!), as well as a substantial thanksgiving offering for saving a wretched sinner and allowing them exclusive access to Landover's very own Savings Plan™.
  
• Acting as an interpreter for the Holy Ghost. Often after being reborn into Christ, the new Believer has a hard time hearing the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit. In this case, a Landover-approved Salvation Buddy will act as a microphone, whereby the Holy Spirit is able to speak softly, and yet the message will be broadcast loud and clear via the Buddy. In general, a new believer will be so bogged down with "reason" and "intellect" that the still, gentle voice of the Holy Spirit telling the convert to vote GOP will be drowned out by voices asking for 'proof', 'reasons', etc. This system will entirely circumvent this problem.
  
• Given the recent political client, it is often a difficult task to ensure that the right candidate gets voted in. Often a new convert will have trouble seeing through the political riff-raff and making the conscious decision to simply vote the way the Church decides*.
  
• Maintaining proper discipline while in the company of mixed genders. While in a previous life, a New Believer might have felt comfortable simply spending time as friends with the opposite gender, Christ requires that we maintain a Godly distance. Your Salvation Buddy™ will ensure that you do not give into the temptation to spend any time whatsoever with those of the opposite gender.
  
• Maintaining a relationship with Christ. During your first year, you will be required to say your prayers outloud in front of your Salvation Buddy, to ensure that you are praying in a fashion suitable for Landover's very high standards. Prayers will be recorded and monitored for quality assurance. Tapes will be destroyed after a minimum of 12 years, or the Rapture, whichever comes first.
  
• In a world rife with lust and other such emotions, your Salvation Buddy will look over your shoulder and be there to give you the Holy Spirit's guidance on matters of marriage and relationships. No new convert is to be trusted with something as precious as a relationship, so your Buddy will be there to support you in the finding of a mate. The beauty of the Landover Salvation Buddy plan is that once you have completed your first year with Christ, it is expected that you will have a mate, someone to be there to constantly judge your walk with Christ and to keep you on the straight and narrow, a task that you will also grow to accept.

While we have yet to hammer out an exact price quote for this plan, if you contact a Pastor immediately we will be able to work out a reasonable payment plan to get you started on your walk with Christ with the guarantee** that you will be included at the very exclusive Landover Mansion in the highest level of Heaven!

Apply now to our program to see if you qualify!

* Note: In order to maintain completely tax-free status, Landover does not dictate how its followers are required to vote. Each person must vote according to his or her conscience, which is dictated by the Holy Spirit. It is simply a matter of coincidence that Landover's government-certified voting booths are monitored closely by CCTV's and other surveillance techniques, which are solely used to protect Americans from terrorists. Recent allegations of retaliation and hardships related to voting for a (D) are categorically false, and have no merit.

** Guarantee is not binding. The Lord Jesus Christ reserves all rights to admittance to Heaven and admittance into the Buddy Salvation Program does not ensure a spot in Heaven.

[LordHaveMercy]

Re: Introducing: Landover Baptist Salvation Buddy!

PRAISE!

A good Christian friend of mine is getting betrothed to a faithful Christian lady of his choosing. He has only just found the Lord, and I think that he would greatly benefit from this type of service. He asks me, would the Salvation Buddy be available on his wedding night, in order to guide him through the pitfalls of Bestial and/or Unclean fornication, and into the marital duties of properly producing a son? Would this service be included, or an extra charge?

Thank you brother for inventing this Blessed service.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Introducing: Landover Baptist Salvation Buddy!

PRAISE!

A good Christian friend of mine is getting betrothed to a faithful Christian lady of his choosing. He has only just found the Lord, and I think that he would greatly benefit from this type of service. He asks me, would the Salvation Buddy be available on his wedding night, in order to guide him through the pitfalls of Bestial and/or Unclean fornication, and into the marital duties of properly producing a son? Would this service be included, or an extra charge?

Thank you brother for inventing this Blessed service.

I believe this is a case that calls for Special Intervention, whereby the husband-to-be must visit with an ordained Pastor (I believe generally it is Pastor Ezekiel that takes charge in these cases). These visits are to prepare the man for the ordeal that he will encounter on his wedding night, which will of course be supervised by a senior Landover member or two. I suggest you talk to a Godly Pastor about the details, since there was some... unpleasantness the last time I attempted to step in in these situations.