Help with my sermons

[Jah Mon]

Praise Be!

For quite a while now I've been stirring my flock with rhetoric that keeps them in the perfect state of control by holding them in the worst of fear and the best of ecstasy. However there is a limit to how often one can use terms such as “verily verily”, “come ye forth” and “I say unto thee” without sounding repetitious.

So I need a couple of hell-fearing fire-n-brimstone catch phrases to keep my gathering right where I need em – any ideas please?

Sinners can also contribute if they feel it will help them.

[One-eyed Jack]

Re: Help with my sermons

Well, I never mounted the pulpit, but I had an uncle on my mother's side -- Uncle Lester -- who sometimes gave a guest sermon at the Muddkenzie Baptist Church. He had some zingers. Let's see if I remember them...

He'd go along, yadda yadda yadda, and then suddenly shout "...AND LEST YE DIE!!"

That was always good for knocking two or three senior citizens off their pew.

He also used the old tent-revival favorite when he was stuck. He'd cast his eyes heavenward and shout, "How long, O Lord...how long?"

Of course if Aaron Gormpucker was in the congregation he'd always yell back "About 10 inches, Reverend -- how about yours?" So the technique could backfire. (Aaron Gormpucker died about 3 years ago, and we all assume he is in a backfire in Hell right now. Irreligious b*stard.)

It's also good to shout "Repent! Repent!" now and then.

There's a funny story connected to that, too. We'd usually go out for chicken-fried steak with Uncle Lester after the service, and on the way home nearly every Sunday we'd see the deaf old janitor Howard Thudd up on a ladder slapping yet another coat of paint on his house. Finally Uncle Lester asked him why he painted his house so often, and Howard said "Eh? Whazzat? Just following the instructions in your sermon, Reverend."

I'll see if I can remember some more of Uncle Lester's favorites and post 'em later.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound... Isaiah 61:1

And praise ye the Lord!

~~ OEJ

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Help with my sermons

Where exactly is this flock of yours? If I'm not mistaken, isn't "praise be" a term of greetings that joos use?

I think you need to be filling in the details here before I divulge any of my trade secrets, Mr. Mon.