Question For The Church Elders

[Des]

I'm grilling again this evening seeing as the weather is so nice. My neighbor Phil has moseyed over along with his son, and our kids are romping and roughhousing as boys tend to do. Phil is partial to strong drink, and has carried with him a mason jar full of moonshine he brought back from Tennessee. A soft breeze is stirring the leaves, and the burgers are sizzling. All seems well in this little part of God's Country.

Then, a creeping horror slithers in behind me; my Wickedan neighbor.

Hellish She-beast: Howdy Phil, D. Hows life?

Phil: Evening, Shotzi.

Me: Mmm.

HS-B: We've really lucked out on the weather, haven't we? All the storms have been missing us.

Phil: Yeah, we've been lucky so far.

Me: Only because God watches after His faithful. Don't be surprised if your houses get blown away though.

HS-B: D, don't you worry about getting cancer from all the grilling you do?

Me: Hmm?

HS-B: There is a direct link between wood smoke and carcino...

Me: (singing) A MIGHTY FORTRESS IS OUR GOD, A BULWARK NEVER FAILING. OUR HELPER HE AMID THE FLOOD OF MORTAL ILLS PREVAILING...Oh mercy me! That just came on out of the blue!

HS-B: (snorts and looks at Phil) Is he this insufferable all the time?

Phil: I've found he goes down easier after I've had a drink or three.

HS-B: Do you know how those poor cows are treated before they butcher them? Its terrible. They keep them in concentration camp conditions without exercise, then they bludgeon them to death. The Wiccan Rede says...

Friends, I had about enough of her nonsense. I grabbed the glass nearest me and tossed the contents into her face.

Me: I baptize you in the Name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit!

HS-B: (screaming and staggering) Arrrrgggghhh! It burns, it burns!

Me: That's the fires of hell leaving your body, witch! Praise Jesus!

She staggers close to the grill, and her hand hovers over the flames for a moment, catching fire. The fire swiftly rushes up her arm and to her face. I smell hair burning. It turns out that the glass was Phil's moonshine, not my glass of ice water.

Thinking quickly, I grab my stainless steel spatula and proceed to beat the flames out. Phil is upset because that was his last jar of shine, and the Hellish She-Beast stormed off to bathe in Aloe Vera juice.

So my question to the wise elders of the church is...since it was moonshine instead of water, does it count? She's going to be wary the next time I get close to her, so that may have been my last opportunity.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Question For The Church Elders

She staggers close to the grill, and her hand hovers over the flames for a moment, catching fire. The fire swiftly rushes up her arm and to her face. I smell hair burning. It turns out that the glass was Phil's moonshine, not my glass of ice water.

Thinking quickly, I grab my stainless steel spatula and proceed to beat the flames out.

Goodness, Des! You could have been hurt! Are you alright?

No doubt this was a good wake-up call for her. When my brother's son caught fire from playing with those little firecrackers a few years ago, I took the opportunity the LORD gave to read to him from the Holy Bible and encourage him to give his soul over to Jesus right away in case the skin grafts didn't work and he would never leave the hospital. Sadly, my good intentions were misunderstood by the hospital staff and security and I wasn't allowed to visit any more in the hospital, but I knew from the tears and look of horror on his face that the LORD's words made an impact. Your witch neighbor probably can't move quickly for a few days anyway, what with the bandages and peeling skin. You might find the Spirit leads you to bring a Holy Bible to read from, and douse her with proper water before she can gimp off. Just to be sure, you know.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Question For The Church Elders

Moonshine (aka. "white lightning", "mountain dew", "hooch") is likely to contain some water even at its highest alcohol concentrations, but it is unlikely to qualify as a true "Baptism" in this particular case.

Then Philip opened his mouth, and began at the same scripture, and preached unto him Jesus.

And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and the eunuch said, See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized?

And Philip said, If thou believest with all thine heart, thou mayest. And he answered and said, I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

- Acts 8:35-37

More than likely what was accomplished here was driving out demons from the unsaved's rectum. The powerful incantation of "A Mighty Fortress is Our God", the cleansing ethanol from the "hooch", the purification from the heat of the grill and the sacrifice of the burgers all combined through the power of the Holy Spirit to drive a lesson home for the Hellish She-Beast.

[Viscous Turdhead]

Re: Question For The Church Elders

Well, most alcoholic drinks are around 70% water (I am not sure about the contents of this moonshine but i would guess it would be similar) so by my guess, it would serve the purpose you wanted.

More importantly, you almost killed someone. If she were to press charges (which is almost guaranteed at this point), you could be charged with assault or attempted murder if the prosecutor can convince the jury that you knew it was moonshine. (I also don't entirely believe this actually happened so I'm not to worried)

Visenya 'Slurpee' Targaryen

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Question For The Church Elders

More importantly, you almost killed someone.

Don't worry, dear. If the Good LORD wanted her dead, she'd be dead. She was in no real danger if the LORD had no plans to end her life just yet (Isaiah 46:10; Ephesians 1:11).

[Des]

Re: Question For The Church Elders

Well, most alcoholic drinks are around 70% water (I am not sure about the contents of this moonshine but i would guess it would be similar) so by my guess, it would serve the purpose you wanted.

More importantly, you almost killed someone. If she were to press charges (which is almost guaranteed at this point), you could be charged with assault or attempted murder if the prosecutor can convince the jury that you knew it was moonshine. (I also don't entirely believe this actually happened so I'm not to worried)

Visenya 'Slurpee' Targaryen

See, this is the problem with you liberal gaytheist pole strokers. Someone does a good deed, and you get your cross dressing panties in a wad and try to turn it around as a bad thing. Second degree burns are hardly ever fatal, and I was obviously sorry for the accident or else I wouldn't have kindly beaten the flames out. But leave it to a gaytheist to make a mountain out of a molehill and start a frivolous lawsuit, tying up the court who should be convicting dope users and gay child molesters. You are the people they are talking about when they say that no good deed goes unpunished. "Look, Jesus is oppressing that gimp by curing him of his lameness! Lets Kill Jesus for violating that man's rights. Then lets go bugger a little boy!"

Good grief, man....can I call you man? OK, I won't, good grief, you dandy little fop, it is people like you who spread the gay. You are the ones telling little boys to stop being boys. "Danny, quit shooting your brother with that BB gun! Davy, stop hitting your brothers foot with that hammer! Jonah, stop shoving M80's up the cat's rump! Mike, don't use that cheese grater on your sister's face!"

You strip them of their boyish fun and innocent, harmless hijinks, leaving them to act like little Nancy-boys. No wonder we have a Gay Epidemic in this country, when little boys are deprived their God given rights to explode creatures under their dominion and cause trivial but educational injuries to their peers. You belong in hell, where your polyester/cotton blended sinful drag queen dress bursts into instantaneous flames and adheres to your skin like napalm, leaving you with eternal first degree burns!

But I'll pray for you nonetheless. There is a miniscule chance that God will see fit to open your eyes before its too late. Maybe, just maybe we can get you out of your gay trannie unholy attire, convince you to stop gargling with the seed of man, and come into Jesus' loving arms.

Glory onto Him!