Mother Glendy, I need your help!

[Arethusa]

I have a male Catholic friend with whom I hang out. He is quite handsome and comparatively smart but there's a major, major problem. One night we were out with a bunch of friends at the bar. Somehow he slipped into the middle of conversation about one of the waitresses that he believes in Rhythm Planning. He thinks it actually works. I tried to tell him that it only "works" if he wants to have eight children but he wasn't buying it.



First question: He only had one pint. Is he trying to tell me something or...was he just making conversation?

Second question: How should I tell him that I've lost respect for his brain?

Third question: He's going to Hell isn't he?

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

Whilst I am not Glendora by a long shot, I might as well add my $0.02! Basically it seems that he wants to kill babies. Only GOD can plan how many babies a couple should have -- no mortal man could! It is God's wish that EVERY SPERM (pardon the language) a man creates is to be made into a baby! It seems as though this Cathylicker wishes to kill more babies than he wants to make!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

I have a male Catholic friend with whom I hang out. He is quite handsome and comparatively smart but there's a major, major problem.

Yes and you just mentioned it! GET AWAY FROM HIM! Unless you are a guy in drag of course. Then he'd be just right.

One night we were out with a bunch of friends at the bar. Somehow he slipped into the middle of conversation about one of the waitresses that he believes in Rhythm Planning. He thinks it actually works. I tried to tell him that it only "works" if he wants to have eight children but he wasn't buying it.



First question: He only had one pint. Is he trying to tell me something or...was he just making conversation?

Catlickers are devious! He probably wants to do the nasty with you! Of course, he is required to impregnate you by law. The good part is that he'd have to marry you or move to another street.

Second question: How should I tell him that I've lost respect for his brain?

Say this: "Ricardo, I sort of like you as a person in a Benny Hill sort of way, but you ain't no Ivor Biggun. In fact, you are a limp-choo-choo cathylick boy-buggerer and you are as dumb as a post. Do me, do the world, do YOURSELF a favor and commit suicide tonight!"

Third question: He's going to Hell isn't he?

YES, AND MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T PULL YOU DOWN WITH HIM!

[eliot mayfield]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

What were you doing in a bar anyway? Are you a herlot? judging by your post I would have to assume this is the case.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

I have a male Catholic friend with whom I hang out. He is quite handsome and comparatively smart but there's a major, major problem. One night we were out with a bunch of friends at the bar. Somehow he slipped into the middle of conversation about one of the waitresses that he believes in Rhythm Planning. He thinks it actually works.Third question: He's going to Hell isn't he?

I have two thoughts; first of all, real christians have sexual intercourse (forgive me Jesus) for PROCREATION ONLY! And second thought; I think you "male friend" is hiding something much worse than anything anybody has imagined so far. CONCERNED GLENDORA

[SUV]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!



Sex-talk in an establishment where Alcohol is being Consumated! Oh, Sister, Sister!!! Please do tell me that you were only Witnessing to the Sordid "people" who go there!

PS Never mind what cathylicks "think" anyway. To we Baptists, "berth control" is acceptable only on the Amtrak.

[Arethusa]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

Yes and you just mentioned it! GET AWAY FROM HIM! Unless you are a guy in drag of course. Then he'd be just right.

It's funny you mentioned it since half of us in our group think he's in denial about...certain inclinations. Thankfully I am a woman, as the good lord made me. It's just that...he was kinda cute and his mother is so sweet and amiable.

Catlickers are devious! He probably wants to do the nasty with you! Of course, he is required to impregnate you by law. The good part is that he'd have to marry you or move to another street.

Oh I fear he's one of those "lapsed" Catholics. He has icons of the Madonna in his room and such but he got past that whole "Wait for Marriage" rule, if you know what I mean.

Say this: "Ricardo, I sort of like you as a person in a Benny Hill sort of way, but you ain't no Ivor Biggun. In fact, you are a limp-choo-choo cathylick boy-buggerer and you are as dumb as a post. Do me, do the world, do YOURSELF a favor and commit suicide tonight!"

I had to google Ivor Biggun to find out who he was. Pastor Pistle! Are you sure you're referring to the right person? Biggun seems a bit...untoward!

I don't want to go to Hell pastor! I'll try and enlighten him.

Whilst I am not Glendora by a long shot, I might as well add my $0.02! Basically it seems that he wants to kill babies. Only GOD can plan how many babies a couple should have -- no mortal man could! It is God's wish that EVERY SPERM (pardon the language) a man creates is to be made into a baby! It seems as though this Cathylicker wishes to kill more babies than he wants to make!

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

[Arethusa]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

I have two thoughts; first of all, real christians have sexual intercourse (forgive me Jesus) for PROCREATION ONLY! And second thought; I think you "male friend" is hiding something much worse than anything anybody has imagined so far. CONCERNED GLENDORA

This is what I thought Mother Glendy. I don't know what I shall do about the matter. Maybe I'll start sitting beside someone else when we go out.

Sex-talk in an establishment where Alcohol is being Consumated! Oh, Sister, Sister!!! Please do tell me that you were only Witnessing to the Sordid "people" who go there!

PS Never mind what cathylicks "think" anyway. To we Baptists, "berth control" is acceptable only on the Amtrak.

I only had a very light beer and I put a slice of lemon in it so it was basically non-alcoholic. And it was in a very innocent college pub with bad live music, nothing to fear.

What were you doing in a bar anyway? Are you a herlot? judging by your post I would have to assume this is the case.

I'm in Canada! We have bars on every block. If it makes you feel any better Easter Weekend is a public holiday. I bet good ol' Christian USA doesn't have that.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

I have a male Catholic friend with whom I hang out. He is quite handsome and comparatively smart but there's a major, major problem. One night we were out with a bunch of friends at the bar. Somehow he slipped into the middle of conversation about one of the waitresses that he believes in Rhythm Planning. He thinks it actually works. I tried to tell him that it only "works" if he wants to have eight children but he wasn't buying it.



First question: He only had one pint. Is he trying to tell me something or...was he just making conversation?

Second question: How should I tell him that I've lost respect for his brain?

Third question: He's going to Hell isn't he?

So, let me see if I have the correct mental image:

You were in a den of iniquity absorbing the throbbing beats of a devil-worshipping rock music band, sucking down booze among underaged college students with falsified identification, and shaking your supple, scantily-clad young body to the music in a most immodest and unladylike fashion. Much to your surprise, your Mary-worshipping Cat-licker "friend" started fantasizing about getting his "rhythm method" going with you and the waitress, and told you about his perverted desires while gazing at the serving wench's ample cleavage. This brought up some questions in your mind.

Answer to your first question is pretty obvious. Yes, he's trying to tell you he wants to fornicate with you AND the waitress. He also wants to be sure you know that he doesn't use protection, so he can share with you whatever viruses or bacteria he's picked up from the last harlot, turning your nether regions into a burning, oozing mass of pulsing, blistering agony and necessitating trips to the local Harlot Clinic.

Second question: Did you not KNOW that he was a Mary-worshipping Cat-licker alky-haulic group sex fiend?! Those seem like rather apparent things, yet you call him your "friend"? I understand that you might love the sinner and hate the sin, but respecting someone so horrifically misdirected from God's ways? Come now. Let's not be silly. Tell him the error of his ways and help him find Jesus.

Third question: You're the one hanging out with oversexed teenagers, Catlicker sex maniacs, drunkards, and rock bands, and you're worried about HIM going to Hell?

Matthew 7:5, Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

I hope this helps.

[Arethusa]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

So, let me see if I have the correct mental image:

You were in a den of iniquity absorbing the throbbing beats of a devil-worshipping rock music band, sucking down booze among underaged college students with falsified identification, and shaking your supple, scantily-clad young body to the music in a most immodest and unladylike fashion. Much to your surprise, your Mary-worshipping Cat-licker "friend" started fantasizing about getting his "rhythm method" going with you and the waitress, and told you about his perverted desires while gazing at the serving wench's ample cleavage. This brought up some questions in your mind.

No no it's a pub. A fake Irish pub! The only sort of live music it has is a skinny middle-aged man on an electric keyboard covering Coldplay. There is absolutely no dancing and I was well-clad because it gets pretty cold here around this time.

I can't remember if the waitress had a cleavage or not. I don't notice such things.

Answer to your first question is pretty obvious. Yes, he's trying to tell you he wants to fornicate with you AND the waitress. He also wants to be sure you know that he doesn't use protection, so he can share with you whatever viruses or bacteria he's picked up from the last harlot, turning your nether regions into a burning, oozing mass of pulsing, blistering agony and necessitating trips to the local Harlot Clinic.

Ewwww.

Second question: Did you not KNOW that he was a Mary-worshipping Cat-licker alky-haulic group sex fiend?! Those seem like rather apparent things, yet you call him your "friend"? I understand that you might love the sinner and hate the sin, but respecting someone so horrifically misdirected from God's ways? Come now. Let's not be silly. Tell him the error of his ways and help him find Jesus.

Third question: You're the one hanging out with oversexed teenagers, Catlicker sex maniacs, drunkards, and rock bands, and you're worried about HIM going to Hell?

Matthew 7:5, Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

I can't avoid the Catholics, they're everywhere! They're the biggest denomination represented here I think, besides the Eastern Orthodox.

I hope this helps.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Mother Glendy, I need your help!

Ah-hah! As we all know, the Catholics hate God, so quoting the Bible at him would be very little use in this situation. However, you could try drawing his attention to the views of Augustine, the deranged pervert who helped invent the Catholic cult. You can read his attack on the rhythm method here.

Is it not you who used to counsel us to observe as much as possible the time when a woman, after her purification, is most likely to conceive, and to abstain from cohabitation at that time, lest the soul should be entangled in flesh? This proves that you approve of having a wife, not for the procreation of children, but for the gratification of passion. In marriage, as the marriage law declares, the man and woman come together for the procreation of children. Therefore whoever makes the procreation of children a greater sin than copulation, forbids marriage, and makes the woman not a wife, but a mistress, who for some gifts presented to her is joined to the man to gratify his passion. Where there is a wife there must be marriage. But there is no marriage where motherhood is not in view; therefore neither is there a wife. In this way you forbid marriage. Nor can you defend yourselves successfully from this charge, long ago brought against you prophetically by the Holy Spirit.

Of course, Augustine, as the founder of the paedo-cult, would be hardly likely to approve of any form of heterosexual intercourse that did not produce more children for Satan's priestly army to interfere with. Nevertheless, the point stands: The founder of the Cathoholic Church was firmly against the rhythm method, even referring to it as "the pimp's method." Once you've pointed that out to him, I'd advise you to set him on fire, then get the nearest homer (and in any faux-Irish pub with skinny men doing Coldplay covers on a keyboard, they must be ten a penny) to urinate in his eyes, as a warning of what he can expect for eternity if he doesn't give up the fornication and Mary-Worship and get right with Jesus!