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Busybody Matchmakers Rant
There is a woman at my church named Haggis Skankle. She is around 70 years old and claims to be a Christian. Who am I to judge? All I know is that she puts her long nose into other people's business all the time and now she has set her sights on getting me married. She is even trying to discourage my Creation Science education, saying it's more important for me to get a high paying career (She's trying to get me to enroll in Stratford Career Institute - which is similar to the homeschool that Sally Struthers used to be a spokesperson for). So after services on Sunday, Miss Skankle comes waddling up to me (she weighs about 550 pounds and smells like a rotten pomegranate) and she says, "Larry, I notice you still aren't bringing a wife to church."
I smiled just to be polite and I said, "Well, when it is God's will, that will happen." She proceeded to point out three of the most inappropriate women in our congregation. One of them is named Trezza, and she's separated from her husband. Biblically she's still married and I won't go that route.
Next, she pointed out Priscilla Sue Lancaster, who has a tilted uterus (she talks about it all the time with the ladies of the church) and can't conceive in a normal fashion. I don't know all the details but I assume it will require a man with a tilted masculine member. A big no to that one.
Finally, she mentions that her son's child, Ivy Skankle, is going to be finishing beauty school soon and would be a real catch. Ivy would be a catch for another guy, but not me. Why? Ivy is actually Ivan. He dresses like a woman, tries to act like a woman, but underneath it all, she's male. No thanks.
I am not trying to whine about this. I've already mentioned that at least for now, my education comes first. It's just that it gets so frustrating when you're a certified equine gnathologist, vet, and future PhD. Everyone wants you to marry their daughter/sister/aunt/niece and even transgender son; particularly so if you're as manly, handsome, virile, and humble as I am.
Just COME, LORD JESUS, so I don't have to deal with this loneliness any longer. Let me serve Your Heavenly Horses, Father God.
In Christ's Name I pray. AMEN and AMEN.
I smiled just to be polite and I said, "Well, when it is God's will, that will happen." She proceeded to point out three of the most inappropriate women in our congregation. One of them is named Trezza, and she's separated from her husband. Biblically she's still married and I won't go that route.
Next, she pointed out Priscilla Sue Lancaster, who has a tilted uterus (she talks about it all the time with the ladies of the church) and can't conceive in a normal fashion. I don't know all the details but I assume it will require a man with a tilted masculine member. A big no to that one.
Finally, she mentions that her son's child, Ivy Skankle, is going to be finishing beauty school soon and would be a real catch. Ivy would be a catch for another guy, but not me. Why? Ivy is actually Ivan. He dresses like a woman, tries to act like a woman, but underneath it all, she's male. No thanks.
I am not trying to whine about this. I've already mentioned that at least for now, my education comes first. It's just that it gets so frustrating when you're a certified equine gnathologist, vet, and future PhD. Everyone wants you to marry their daughter/sister/aunt/niece and even transgender son; particularly so if you're as manly, handsome, virile, and humble as I am.
Just COME, LORD JESUS, so I don't have to deal with this loneliness any longer. Let me serve Your Heavenly Horses, Father God.
In Christ's Name I pray. AMEN and AMEN.
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