True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

[Eugene Hackwith]

Sure, some people might say I'm past my prime, but I'm still a man. There is still hot blood flowing through these veins. Like all men, I have needs to fulfill before I die. I am looking for a good Christian woman who wishes to join me in marital bliss.

These are my requirements:

• Must be between 25 and 30 years of age.
• Must be a sturdy, upstanding Baptist woman with meat on her bones.
• Must be able to handle a horse-drawn steel plow. I know they aren't used anymore, but I believe a real farmer should know the basics. I have set aside 20 acres to be tilled, planted, and harvested by my new wife with circa 1880's equipment.
• Must be a good, traditional cook. No casseroles or ethnic foods.
• Must be able to skin and gut the wild game that I bring home.
• Must be able to put up with my tobacco chewing.

If you think you meet or exceed these requirements, contact me.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

You are talking about Sister Sue Vera. She can gut and skin a moose or an elk and five minutes, but don't bring her any rodents. She can toss the harness on a brace of bulls faster than you can spit on your boot, and get 20 acres plowed in an afternoon, drink a gallon of hard cider and split your skull if you aren't in the door by the time the dinner bell finishes ringing.

Why, I have been after her myself for years, but I can't get her to climb the apple tree to get apples for my pie. All I ask is that the stand on the edge of the new chipper and do some limb pruning while she's up there.

[Eugene Hackwith]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

Do you think Sister Sue can give me a couple of sons before I join the good Lord in Heaven, Pastor Pistle?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

Do you think Sister Sue can give me a couple of sons before I join the good Lord in Heaven, Pastor Pistle?

Absolutely! She is the perfect age for childbearing!

[Larry Lee]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

Not to put a damper on the excitement here, but you two do realize Sue Vera reads newspapers, don't you? I doubt a newspaper-reading wife is what Hawkwith wants.

If I was you, Brother, I'd take a look at that new Mistress Cookie. She's got a personality like the morning dew on an ear of corn. And from what I hear, she's more than ready to kick up her heels for the right man when he comes along. (Might want to cut back on her acreage requirement, though. I'll let you two work that out.) At the moment, Cookie runs a specialty service business out of her apartment above the coin-op laundry on Main Street. I'm sure if you paid her a call, she'd entertain you nicely.

[Eugene Hackwith]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

Well, I just might have to drive to town and pay the Mistress a visit.

Thanks, fellas!

[Sister Noddy]

Re: True Christian™ man looking for a sturdy wife

Well, I just might have to drive to town and pay the Mistress a visit.

Thanks, fellas!

Oh and you will want to be sure to defend our dear Sister Cookie's honor with a proposal of marriage forthwith!

Are we to look forward to the sound of wedding bells in Freehold over the Holidays, Brother Eugene?