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I read a lot of other prayer requests on this board
and I can almost laugh. None of you are as lost and
in complete darkness as I am right now.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding cruel, but I only wish my
biggest fear was a straying boyfriend or wisdom teeth
removal...it's just none of you know true darkness,
and that's a great thing!!!
I come to all of you asking for your prayers -- not
that i deserve them tho.....
A little about me: I was well on my way of being my
high school's valedictorian, with the highest SAT
score ever in my county -- and I was only a sophmore.
I don't know what happened tho....
In a matter of a year, my parent's divorced after my
dad learned my mom was having an affair with some
local stripper, my dad became a meth addict and my big
brother --- and I'm not making this up --- got
arrested on his job in disney world dressed as pluto
the dog for feeling up women "on accident."
I was lonely and scared and confused. I lived with my
mom and her girlfriend the stripper after my dad got
busted for burning his house down in a meth lab
accident. She surprised me at the time. She was
really nice and really smart and made me feel -- well
-- really sexy and beautiful. Things I never thought
of myself before. She taught me how to dress
provocatively without being slutty, how to catch a
guy's eye and make them chase me, how to act 10 years
my actual age. My mom was thrilled because I was
getting along with her lover so well.
I guess though it started with curiosity. I would spy
on my mom and the stripper making love at night, first
out of what I thought was disgust, but later turned to
curiosity and then sexual desire within me. In
hindsight I think this girl knew I was spying on them.
I was completely confused with my emotions and my
longings. At the time, I started seeing a really nice
guy at school who was helping me study better as my
grades had begun to slip. And my grades were to be
everything as my full-ride scholarship to Brown
University depended on my maintaining a 4.0 until the
end of my junior year as I was to graduate early.
Unfortunately, I opened the door to sexual exploration
between us, and what began as simple kissing led to us
having sex. Now, I say this part not to brag but to
hopefully explain how I ended up in total darkness of
the adult industry. When he and I had sex, I
became a completely different person. Perhaps
I was mimicking the sexual hunger and unrestrained
passion I witnessed between my mom and the stripper,
or perhaps I was gifted sexually. But I became
animalistic in bed with that poor boy. I knew after
just a few times, I was overwhelming him, making him
feel inferior and scared and confused at how me being
such a closet flower, sweet and smart girl became
something akin to the whore of Babylon. It was only a
couple of months before I found out he was spreading
rumors about our trysts around school; I broke up with
him, but I realize he was releaved at the time -- the
poor boy felt he was stuck in me because no respecting
teenage guy should ever break up with a girl who wants
sex more than him. In essence, I gave him a way out
he couldn't find himself.
It was after that breakup that my life spiraled out of
control. My grades slipped beyond the boundaries of
the scholarship and I lost it. I was constantly
feeling my back burn from the eyes of other girls at
school who whispered about me being a slut and a freak
and how I was just after all of their boyfriends. At
the same time, I was being shmoozed by their
boyfriends who only wanted a chance to experience what
I was rumored to be like in bed. For the sake of
confession, I will admit to succombing to five of them
-- two at the same time.
In my grief and confusion, I turned to my mom's lover
who assured me that my sexual appetite was nothing to
be ashamed of, but instead embraced and used
for my benefit. She began by helping me take rather
flirty pictures for my myspace site, teaching me how
to tease guys on the webcam, she encouraged me to
masturbate both alone and through cyber. In short, my
life began to revolve around my sexual appetites.
Soon, my questions turned to my mom's lover. What
began as informational stuff slowly turned erotic as
she showed me how to massage and rub parts of my body
that caused incredible feelings. She introduced me to
online cyber and using vibrators and other toys and
eventually she began to make love to me, introducing
and seducing me into the world of sapphic sex.
And then she invited me to "perform" with her on her
webcam. And all of the sudden I learned just how much
money I could make. We split the increased income on
her webcam service from when I was introduced into her
act. And her income quadrupled as men -- and women --
turned to see she and I make love before our computer
camera. It didn't feel real to me at the time: I was
simply having sex with this vibrant, beautiful woman
who made me feel her equal and equally desirable
before an anonymous camera. The result though was an
income in the first year of nearly $13,000.
My eyes boggled.
It wasn't long before my mom confronted me about this.
I should have realized then that I think she both
knew and encouraged her lover to pursue me, but my mom
simply asked if i was okay with what I was doing, both
on camera and with another woman. I assured her i
was. Again, for confession's sake, and to demonstrate
just how far into the ditch i crawled, I will admit
that soon after my mother, the stripper and myself
shared the same bed and each other.
It wasn't long after that I dropped all pretenses of
going to college and instead embarked on a career as
an adult industry performer. My mom's lover connected
me to her strip club and before I knew it, I was
touring the country, earning some thousands a night.
Then came my own web site and finally, I signed on as
an adult star with a very big-named adult video maker,
traveling the world and making movies that are --
honestly -- named and marketed after my own stage
name.
Personally, I have never felt deader -- numb --
inside. Nothing shocks me anymore. I've long been
using cocaine and ectasy to just help me try to feel
something. I've had a couple of boyfriends who knew
what I did for a living, but the sex with them was
only a step up from my camera performances. I lost
any feeling of true desire and emotional connection.
And now I'm so successful, I feel trapped. I'm trapped
because I earn easily upwards of $200,000 to $300,000
a year. The more perverse I'm willing to perform, the
more money I get. And I have been willing to do
almost anything.
Most recently, I was offered nearly $1 million by a
Saudi prince to perform a specific act for his own
private movie collection. The money would nearly set
me for life and I'm having a hard time resisting that
one -- it could lead to bodily harm, although the
prince's "producers" assure me all safety precautions
are in place, and i would be allowed to have my
security guard there to make sure it doesn't get out
of control.
I only ask that all of you pray for me. Pray that I
find a way out. Pray that I don't become a husk of a
person with a soul so damaged that hell would be an
improvement.
Please, just pray for me.
and I can almost laugh. None of you are as lost and
in complete darkness as I am right now.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding cruel, but I only wish my
biggest fear was a straying boyfriend or wisdom teeth
removal...it's just none of you know true darkness,
and that's a great thing!!!
I come to all of you asking for your prayers -- not
that i deserve them tho.....
A little about me: I was well on my way of being my
high school's valedictorian, with the highest SAT
score ever in my county -- and I was only a sophmore.
I don't know what happened tho....
In a matter of a year, my parent's divorced after my
dad learned my mom was having an affair with some
local stripper, my dad became a meth addict and my big
brother --- and I'm not making this up --- got
arrested on his job in disney world dressed as pluto
the dog for feeling up women "on accident."
I was lonely and scared and confused. I lived with my
mom and her girlfriend the stripper after my dad got
busted for burning his house down in a meth lab
accident. She surprised me at the time. She was
really nice and really smart and made me feel -- well
-- really sexy and beautiful. Things I never thought
of myself before. She taught me how to dress
provocatively without being slutty, how to catch a
guy's eye and make them chase me, how to act 10 years
my actual age. My mom was thrilled because I was
getting along with her lover so well.
I guess though it started with curiosity. I would spy
on my mom and the stripper making love at night, first
out of what I thought was disgust, but later turned to
curiosity and then sexual desire within me. In
hindsight I think this girl knew I was spying on them.
I was completely confused with my emotions and my
longings. At the time, I started seeing a really nice
guy at school who was helping me study better as my
grades had begun to slip. And my grades were to be
everything as my full-ride scholarship to Brown
University depended on my maintaining a 4.0 until the
end of my junior year as I was to graduate early.
Unfortunately, I opened the door to sexual exploration
between us, and what began as simple kissing led to us
having sex. Now, I say this part not to brag but to
hopefully explain how I ended up in total darkness of
the adult industry. When he and I had sex, I
became a completely different person. Perhaps
I was mimicking the sexual hunger and unrestrained
passion I witnessed between my mom and the stripper,
or perhaps I was gifted sexually. But I became
animalistic in bed with that poor boy. I knew after
just a few times, I was overwhelming him, making him
feel inferior and scared and confused at how me being
such a closet flower, sweet and smart girl became
something akin to the whore of Babylon. It was only a
couple of months before I found out he was spreading
rumors about our trysts around school; I broke up with
him, but I realize he was releaved at the time -- the
poor boy felt he was stuck in me because no respecting
teenage guy should ever break up with a girl who wants
sex more than him. In essence, I gave him a way out
he couldn't find himself.
It was after that breakup that my life spiraled out of
control. My grades slipped beyond the boundaries of
the scholarship and I lost it. I was constantly
feeling my back burn from the eyes of other girls at
school who whispered about me being a slut and a freak
and how I was just after all of their boyfriends. At
the same time, I was being shmoozed by their
boyfriends who only wanted a chance to experience what
I was rumored to be like in bed. For the sake of
confession, I will admit to succombing to five of them
-- two at the same time.
In my grief and confusion, I turned to my mom's lover
who assured me that my sexual appetite was nothing to
be ashamed of, but instead embraced and used
for my benefit. She began by helping me take rather
flirty pictures for my myspace site, teaching me how
to tease guys on the webcam, she encouraged me to
masturbate both alone and through cyber. In short, my
life began to revolve around my sexual appetites.
Soon, my questions turned to my mom's lover. What
began as informational stuff slowly turned erotic as
she showed me how to massage and rub parts of my body
that caused incredible feelings. She introduced me to
online cyber and using vibrators and other toys and
eventually she began to make love to me, introducing
and seducing me into the world of sapphic sex.
And then she invited me to "perform" with her on her
webcam. And all of the sudden I learned just how much
money I could make. We split the increased income on
her webcam service from when I was introduced into her
act. And her income quadrupled as men -- and women --
turned to see she and I make love before our computer
camera. It didn't feel real to me at the time: I was
simply having sex with this vibrant, beautiful woman
who made me feel her equal and equally desirable
before an anonymous camera. The result though was an
income in the first year of nearly $13,000.
My eyes boggled.
It wasn't long before my mom confronted me about this.
I should have realized then that I think she both
knew and encouraged her lover to pursue me, but my mom
simply asked if i was okay with what I was doing, both
on camera and with another woman. I assured her i
was. Again, for confession's sake, and to demonstrate
just how far into the ditch i crawled, I will admit
that soon after my mother, the stripper and myself
shared the same bed and each other.
It wasn't long after that I dropped all pretenses of
going to college and instead embarked on a career as
an adult industry performer. My mom's lover connected
me to her strip club and before I knew it, I was
touring the country, earning some thousands a night.
Then came my own web site and finally, I signed on as
an adult star with a very big-named adult video maker,
traveling the world and making movies that are --
honestly -- named and marketed after my own stage
name.
Personally, I have never felt deader -- numb --
inside. Nothing shocks me anymore. I've long been
using cocaine and ectasy to just help me try to feel
something. I've had a couple of boyfriends who knew
what I did for a living, but the sex with them was
only a step up from my camera performances. I lost
any feeling of true desire and emotional connection.
And now I'm so successful, I feel trapped. I'm trapped
because I earn easily upwards of $200,000 to $300,000
a year. The more perverse I'm willing to perform, the
more money I get. And I have been willing to do
almost anything.
Most recently, I was offered nearly $1 million by a
Saudi prince to perform a specific act for his own
private movie collection. The money would nearly set
me for life and I'm having a hard time resisting that
one -- it could lead to bodily harm, although the
prince's "producers" assure me all safety precautions
are in place, and i would be allowed to have my
security guard there to make sure it doesn't get out
of control.
I only ask that all of you pray for me. Pray that I
find a way out. Pray that I don't become a husk of a
person with a soul so damaged that hell would be an
improvement.
Please, just pray for me.
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