Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

[Mistress Cookie]

Ladies of Landover, we all must stand together and increase our prayers that Slim-Fast is returned to store shelves IMMEDIATELY. As we all know, Slim-Fast was painfully recalled without warning at the beginning of the month due to the "possibility" of contamination with Bacillus cereus.

This government intervention into a privately owned business is utterly RIDICULOUS, as the only thing that particular micro-organism can cause is (and I'm sorry to have to say this, but it's in the words of their own website), "diarrhea and possibly nausea and/or vomiting".

But I ask you, Since when have vomiting and the use of diuretics not been part of any effective diet plan?

What the government has done in this case is to take a product that was ready to skyrocket with the release of that news and slapped it down into submission.

Please join me in increasing the payers, ladies. The holidays are almost over, and all those Christmas cookies have to come off.

[Meek and Humble]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

How ridiculous! As if Christians would need to worry about getting this disease - we are protected by our faith! If God has chosen to use slim fast to wipe out heathen fatties, then I say, AMEN!

If thou wilt diligently hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, and wilt do that which is right in his sight, and wilt give ear to his commandments, and keep all his statutes, I will put none of these diseases upon thee. -- Exodus 15:26

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up. --James 5:14-15

The Lord ... healeth all thy diseases. -- Psalm 103:2-3

Thy faith hath made thee whole. -- Matthew 9:22, Mark 5:34, Luke 8:48

So that from his body were brought unto the sick handkerchiefs or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirits went out of them. -- Acts 19:12

And Asa in the thirty and ninth year of his reign was diseased in his feet, until his disease was exceeding great: yet in his disease he sought not to the LORD, but to the physicians. -- 2 Chronicles 16:12

"And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover." -- Mark 16:17-18

"Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you." -- Luke 10:19

[James Hutchins]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Miss Cookie, can't you just not eat the cereal and substute Corn Flakes?

I have been fortunate not never need a diet at a fly weight 250 pounds on my 6'7" frame. I'm just skin, bones and muscles of raw steel.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Miss Cookie, can't you just not eat the cereal and substute Corn Flakes?

You men!

Yes, Slim-Fast does make a full line of diet foods, including cereals, but those are for wimpy God-mockers who know nothing of that most Christian of attributes, commitment.

The "hard stuff" is the protein drink/meal substitute. You have one for breakfast, one for lunch, then a dinner of meat, vegetable and salad. No salt should be put on the food...but as your tears usually fall upon the meager dinner plate when it's placed in front of you, that's usually not a problem.

It is the protein drink/miracle elixir that has been pulled from the shelves.

Where will I get my protein drink now ? ? ?

.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Where will I get my protein drink now ? ? ?

Mistress Cookie, I have formulated my own protein drink which I'd be willing to let you sample for free a small fee. Some work is required on your part to free it from it's container, all part of the fitness regimen.

It's still in the testing phase, but I have had some rave reviews, it's even been called the elixir of life. Let me know if you're interested.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Mistress Cookie, I have formulated my own protein drink which I'd be willing to let you sample

PRAISE!

Is there enough for both breakfast and lunch, for 60 days?

(I'm sorry to say the holidays were a little over-abundant this year, with all the Slim-Fast gone.)

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

PRAISE!

Is there enough for both breakfast and lunch, for 60 days?

That's the wonder of it, it's self-replenishing! Truly a wonder fluid.

Once you get a protein drink dispenser of your own it can dispense almost indefinitely.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Mistress Cookie, I have formulated my own protein drink...It's still in the testing phase, but I have had some rave reviews

Now I am really intrigued! Maybe there's hope after all for all the ladies of Landover!! And maybe a few of our chubby brothers (you know who you are)

When you say it's still in the "testing phase", what does that mean? It has been tested, or it will be tested...what? And what's it being tested for? I'm sure none of us want to hit on a new solution, just to see it get yanked.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Amen, Sister Mistress. This Slim-Fast recall is yet another example of Big Government harassing honest businessmen such as myself. I've already mentioned on this forum how liberal do-gooders banned our melamine-tainted infant formula, toxic Chinese drywall and children's toys contaminated with lead - despite the fact that these products help drum up business for the American healthcare industry. Well, the Food & Drug Administration is still hassling us, despite the millions in campaign contributions we gave to make these problems go away.

Look, our Slim-Fast nutrition drink would cost twice as much if we had to use potable water, which is kind of hard to find in China where we make the stuff. Sewage water, on the other hand, is cheap (actually, the Shanghai Municipal Government gives it to us for free - if they dump it in the ocean, it kills the fish). Furthermore, our scientific research has demonstrated that people with dysentery lose weight much faster than healthy people, so it's a win-win situation.

But those liberal whiners can't resist the urge to stick their noses into other people's business and "protect" us. Outrageous! Sometimes, I'd like to round them up, ship them over here to China and force them to live next to one of our polluting factories for a month, drinking the local water and breathing the air. That would shut them up - assuming they survived.

Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred


Slim-Fast Factory, Shanghai, China

[Talitha]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

Sister Cookie, The Lord gave us True Christian™ Ladies perfect bodies because we choose the lifestyle he demands of us.
It's a Christian Scientific fact that The Lord makes some Women fat as a punishment.
Slim Fast should be renamed "End up in Hell Fast" because that's where you end up for going against God's Will.

Praying for Repentance is the best way of staying the way God intended us to be.
I GUARANTEE that three days locked in your Prayer Closet with no food will sort a Girl out without resorting to Satan Induced chemicals.

Once Repentance has been served then there is always Godly Liposuction and Surgery to get rid of the ugly left over fat and dreadful "Bingo Wings"

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

I always thought that Bacillus cereus was the "secret ingredient" in Slim-Fast. It was the path to quick weight loss without the scourge and embarrassment of bulimia.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

I always thought that Bacillus cereus was the "secret ingredient" in Slim-Fast. It was the path to quick weight loss without the scourge and embarrassment of bulimia.

I know. And I bet Nanny Polosi and The House are preparing a bill as we speak, pushing to change the formula. What a bunch on yentas.

Why don't they let US decide how much Bacillus, asbestos or trace lead in different products is "tolerable" to US?? Our forefathers in their covered wagons didn't go snooping around, secretly testing each other's dinners, mattresses and livestock to unilaterally decree what is "acceptable".

All we ask is that we be allowed to live, and diet, in peace.

[Free Market Fred]

Re: Please pray the Slim-Fast recall is overturned

I always thought that Bacillus cereus was the "secret ingredient" in Slim-Fast. It was the path to quick weight loss without the scourge and embarrassment of bulimia.

There's some other active ingredients in there than can help you lose weight, including E.coli and giardia. Plus a few other off-label ingredients, such as lead, mercury, cadmium and dioxin, though the quantity varies according to what the upstream factories are discharging into the river at any given time.

Anyway, if people are worried about it, they should do as I do, and fly in their food from an organic farm in Europe. It's a little more expensive, but if you want Wal-Mart prices you gotta accept the occassional food recall, or trip to the emergency room. There's no such thing as a free lunch, you know.

Of course, if you've got children, you can always use them as food testers. They're more sensitive to toxins than adults, so if they don't keel over after two hours, you should be in the clear.

Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred