Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

[HTannor]

Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.

Sage advice, Brother Dewitt.


I recently purchased a Winchester just like that one. (It will probably show up on your next Platinum card statement.)

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

There are various ways to prevent masturbation. For example, when I get sinful urges I just think about my annoying neighbor Mrs. Johnson. That usually fixes the sinful urges for weeks.

I always use the following Biblical advice for chronic masturbators who fail to get rid of their filthy habbit:

You are an obsessive compulsive masturbator. The Bible is very clear on what you have to do about that. You have to rent a chainsaw and remove your hand! Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched". To be on the safe side you might want to remove both hands.

I am certain I have saved a lot of souls with that advice.

[James Dewitt]

Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen, Brother BAB.

Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.

To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.

Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.

Brother Tannor I do agree that just the thought of Julie Andrews will cause the shrinking of any Christians Willy, the aspect of using Nasty Nancy Pelosi's photo is a form of masochism, she is rather sadistic. Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.

[HTannor]

Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen, Brother BAB.

Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.

To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.

Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.

[Living_Water]

Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen.

Spilling ones seed in vain is a sin.

Psalm 127:3-4:

[Born Again Bob]

Dear Friends,

Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths.

And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray:

Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer.

Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river.

Yours in Him,
bab