[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Nothing says "America" like the aftertaste of a Big Mac shipped all the way from good ol' USA, I can tell you that, Glory! Oh, Brother, do you really think the Coca Cola Company could be so greedy as to sell the franchise of the name and just sell the concentrate, and actually let America's favourite drink be made with just any water from any sewer Latin American river or sugar from ungodly jungle sugar cane and not good old Midwest corn syrup? Oh, and don't even think in crossing the border into Culombia, that place is most surely the entrance to Hell itself

Thank you Brother, I feel better by your reassurance. I also have some other good news - today I found a large chain supermarket called "Super 99" which has just oodles of 100% genuine American products. Of course, I´d rather be shopping at Wal-Mart, but under the circumstances I´ve got to go with the supermarket I have and not the supermarket I´d wish for. Anyway, I found lots of great, nutritious products from the Homeland, such as Snickers candy bars, Dr Pepper and Cheese Doodles. You can´t imagine how wonderful a box of Cracker Jacks tastes until you´ve been deprived - like mannah from Heaven. Praise Jesus - Satan will not be able to tempt me with the AIDS-infested "fresh" fruit and vegetables that these natives seem to be peddling on every street corner here in Bananaland.

The Lord is surely putting me through a trial, but I believe that He is testing me in preparation for a better day. I just wish he´d get this test over with ASAP so I can get back to Wacko, Texas, and get even with that abortionist.

YIC,
Buford

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Oh, dear Brother, I am a doctor, yes, but in Flood Geology and Biblical Science (you know they don't give those titles just because! You have to work hard!)

Did you break a nail tearing open all those boxes of Cracker Jack until you found the one with your "degree" inside?

[JennyD]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Tonight I'll be busy with dear sister BTB, but when you are in Freehold, we'll have plenty of time for these discussions

I can't wait, Dr. Solo! I'll be counting the days until my monthly visit!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Did you break a nail tearing open all those boxes of Cracker Jack until you found the one with your "degree" inside?

How dare you denigrate Dr. Solo's academic accomplishments! He EARNED his degree from Landover University, and is now an acclaimed True Christian™ Doctor of Creation Science.! He didn't get one of these fake degrees you can get handed to you from a joo-run secular college.

Jealousy is not an attractive quality, witch.

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Did you break a nail tearing open all those boxes of Cracker Jack until you found the one with your "degree" inside?

Are you accusing Creation Scientists of having phoney degrees from mill-institutions without credibility in academic media? Why, I never! I am as much a doctor as dear Dr. Hovind in my signature, may God bless his scientist soul...

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

I can't wait, Dr. Solo! I'll be counting the days until my monthly visit!

Me too, Sister, me too, as soon as you become clean again, and I can approach you, you will feel as if the Red Sea was opening again in front of your very eyes!

[Old Iron Crotch]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Are you accusing Creation Scientists of having phoney degrees from mill-institutions without credibility in academic media?

You got that. You're brighter than I thought.

Why, I never! I am as much a doctor as dear Dr. Hovind in my signature, may God bless his scientist soul...

Since Hovind is a fraud, you just proved my point.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

How dare you denigrate Dr. Solo's academic accomplishments! He EARNED his degree from Landover University, and is now an acclaimed True Christian™ Doctor of Creation Science.! He didn't get one of these fake degrees you can get handed to you from a joo-run secular college.

And let me just add a hearty "Amen" to that, Pastor Ezekiel. I have already benefited from Dr Solo´s medical advice on how to stay safe and healthy in this Third World latrine called "Panama". Dr Solo is a great medical authority, just like Dr Henry Kissinger, world-reknowned proctologist and advisor to the Nixon administration.

As you say pastor, some people are just plain jealous.

YIC,
Brother Buford

[SUV]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

AIDS-infested "fresh" fruit and vegetables that these natives seem to be peddling on every street corner here in Bananaland.

Thank GOD we don't have much of that vile swill here in America, "JESUS' Favorite Nation," anymore.
What we do have tastes like cardboard and the prices are so high no one buys it anyway.
Perhaps this is why we Americans live longer all the time

[Dr. Santiago Solo]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Ohhhhhhh, Yes! yes! yes! bring it now! I'm ready and trembling to testify.

Don't tarry Brother I'm in a state of pert near GLORY that just needs your touch to take it to completion. Thank you LORD. I'm HEALED!


Breathless, Sister T.

I just wanted to thank you for a most wonderful evening, dear Sister T. I had never felt the Holy Spirit flowing so powerfully in me as I did during our encounter with you and Brother Remy, the way you got completely filled with Jesus' hot, penetrating love was so inspiring, how we discussed the wonders and achievements of the LORD during the Flood, why, I could almost feel how the waters from above and the waters from below opened in a glorious, furious, powerful stream, and that final moment of enlightenment when Brother Remy, myself and you started trembling and screaming Glory simultaneously was one of the best experiences of my Christian(tm) life. Thank you again, Sister, and thank you for letting me admire Pastor Zeke's disciplinary objects, it was quite thrilling to see it. Yours in Christ, whenever you need so,

Dr. S. Solo

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Thank GOD we don't have much of that vile swill here in America, "JESUS' Favorite Nation," anymore.
What we do have tastes like cardboard and the prices are so high no one buys it anyway.
Perhaps this is why we Americans live longer all the time

You are definitely on to something there, Sister SUV. I believe that the preservatives in American food is one of the things that allows Americans to live so long. It keeps us "preserved." I realize that good pure American fruit is kind of expensive and not real sweet, that´s why I never buy it. Fortunately, there´s a good substitute - Hostess Twinkies topped with strawberry jam. Back in the good old days in Texas (before I got stranded here in Bananaland) I practically lived on Wonderbread, peanut butter, jam, Twinkies and Moon Pies. Not only is this nutritious ("builds strong bodies 12 ways", like they say), but it´s got so many preservatives you´d swear you were mainlining embalming fluid.

Now about my current situation. I´ve decided that the only way I´m going to get back to the USA - the only nation on Earth worth living in - was to take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and hitchhike home. I couldn´t just sit in Panama and pray for an airplane ticket - the Lord helps those who help themselves.

I figured that I´d just follow the wetback trail north to the USA. I reckon that if all those illegal border fence hoppers can do it, I can too. But hitchhiking hasn´t been real easy. You´d think those beaners would be honored to give a ride to a white feller like myself, but it isn´t always so. Blasting passing drivers with my bullhorn and holding up an "Abortion is murder" poster (featuring pictures of dead fetuses) didn´t seem to help at all. I had more luck approaching people at gas stations - some of them gave me a ride so they could practice their English. I guess these beaners want to learn English so they can sneak across the border into the USA to become gardners or dishwashers.

I got a really long ride from one American guy who seemed like a real nice feller, until I discovered he was a homer (he made a grab for me). I stopped him with a high-volume from my bullhorn at close range - that took him by surprise, and we skidded off the road into the bushes. But it worked out OK, since other people stopped, and I faked being injured so to get sympathy and a ride to a hospital in San Jose, which is where I am now. Of course, I hightailed it out of that hospital (without paying, hah!) as soon as I got a free meal - you should have heard them beaner nurses squaking in that Spanish gibberish!

Yeah, I know - when I first heard "San Jose," I thought it would be the one in California, but turned out to be the capital of another pissant Central American country. It´s called "Costa Rica" - I guess that´s where the "rica" in "Mexiricans" comes from.

Anyway, I´ll keep y'all informed of my progress.

YIC,
Buford

[Buford T Scoggins]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

I just want to let you all know that I'm back in God's chosen country, the USA. I was sent back in a shipping container, along with a load of bananas. Just why the USA allows Nicarican bananas into our country, I just can't understand, especially since we have the all-American Chiquita brand grown right here in Texas. I guess we got to allow this Third World AIDS-infected food into our great nation because of NAFTA. But foreign trade is a two-way street, and I'm sure that the Nicaricans are grateful to us for all the freedom fries and Coca-Cola that we send to them.

Anyway, not to digress - about my journey home. I couldn't just get onto the ship by myself - I had help from Nicarican baptists. I thought that the whole country was owned by Catylicks, but to my joy I discovered a baptist church. I was so happy that I showed up at their Sunday morning service with my bullhorn, and spent the entire day outside in front of their church preaching the gospel at 100 decibels. Sadly, even with my help, church attendance was miniscule that day. Nevertheless, the grateful pastor approached me with an offer to smuggle me on board a ship back to the USA. I was overjoyed - it was truly a miracle!

It has certainly been a long ordeal, but I'm stronger for it. The happy ending just shows the power of prayer - I thank all of you for your support in my darkest hour of need.

YIC,
Buford

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Dear LORD! You have been through HELL and back and all I can say is THANK YOU LORD FOR BRINGING HOME ONE OF HIS CHOSEN!!!!

I KNEW you would make it through the power of prayer!!!!!!!!!!!!


GLORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are HOME!!!!!! We missed you so!!!!

PRAISE JESUS you are back safe and sound!!!


Lve, Sister Thumper

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Glad to hear you're back, Brother. Don't forget to get deloused. And I'd burn all the clothes you had with you....

[JennyD]

Re: Pray for Brother Buford - lost in Panama!

Oh.

Goody.

Bullhorn Buford is back.


Does this mean we can, um, look forward to your, er, sermons at the corner of Main and Church again?