Goading Rebellious Children into Christ's Loving Embrace

[Witch Hammer]

I am 1000% for corporal discipline as mandated in the Holy Bible.

Not only do severe, prolonged beatings save your child's soul from eternal hell, they are also a great cardio workout for a stressed out, henpecked father who just needs to unwind after a hard day at the office. I can't speak for any other Christian fathers out there, but I always sleep like a baby after a 45 minute+ child pummeling session.

But what I really want to speak about here is a burden that Jesus has laid upon my heart...these little tykes, these wonderful future Christian soldiers...they don't always get it. Sometimes they lose focus in the midst of a sound thrashing, and they forget that they are being pounded mercilessly for a very good reason...the best reason ever, as a matter of fact: SALVATION!

But it is hard for them to reflect upon their naughtiness and make amends with The Savior when they are laying there unconscious from a blow to the head, amen? Sometimes reviving the child with smelling salts and continuing the beating at a milder pace is warranted, but I find that using personal restraint during discipline is completely unsatisfying.

Getting back to the subject:

The Lord has spoken to my heart, and after much prayer and soul searching, I have decided to go forward with this.

A full fledged Disciplinary Theme Park, orders of magnitude greater even than Ken Ham's Creation Museum project!

Jesus And I haven't hashed out all the details yet, but raising funds is going to be a biggie, and will be the first order of business.

Just to get the ball rolling though, I will begin construction of a screened-in Bald-Faced Hornet pavilion this weekend. What better way to get unruly brats to reject the world and send them careening into Christ's arms, heart wide open and eyes swollen shut?



Any input on other attractions that should be included in the park?

[Des]

Re: Goading Rebellious Children into Christ's Loving Embrace

Thank you, Brother Hammer, and while I have no input at the moment, I was thinking along similar lines earlier today on the subject of Gay Bashing.

When I've cornered a pole-stroking fag on spring break in Cancun and am working up a sweat from kicking him in the gut repeatedly, I tell myself
"Desmond, you aren't just doing this for his salvation, but for the salvation of every homer that sees what happens to him and repents. And if he dies from internal hemorrhaging, well, better for one to burn for all eternity than for a thousand. Better for a thousand fudge packers to be delivered onto Satan's awaiting spiked member than for a hundred thousand. You have to keep your mind on the bigger picture here and remember that you are saving souls. You are doing God's work. Now, give this rump wrangler a good boot to the mouth, and let's pop over to the cantina and have a frosty mug of beer!"

Your idea would work along the same principle. By showing our children what could await them, the ones being disciplined would be doing the Lord's work by serving as examples. Never let it be said that God doesn't have a plan, be it a homer kicked in the privates until he vomits, or a tender young teen girl bent over a spanking bench and caned until her bottom looks like a purple washboard.

Praise His Eternal Wisdom, Glory!

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Goading Rebellious Children into Christ's Loving Embrace

Praise The Lord! The pieces are starting to interlock and form the grand picture, brother! I can see it so clearly now: the park must be built like an arena, complete with jumbotrons. A jeering Christan mob in stadium seats armed with buckets of rancid offal for the hurling thereof... Naughty children (and other assorted sinners) running the gauntlet through a double row of well-toned True Christian™ disciplinarians equipped with knouts, cudgels, pummels, leather straps, canes and flails, then on through the Hornet Pavilion, then barefoot over a bed of hot coals (obviously symbolic of the lake of fire)...the possibilities are endless!

[Jim Farmer]

Re: Goading Rebellious Children into Christ's Loving Embrace

One of my favourite books as a child was Coles Funny Picture Book. I used to pore over the pictures of punishment machines to see what happened to all the
naughty boys and girls. The pictures alone kept me good. Maybe re-create some of these pictures.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Goading Rebellious Children into Christ's Loving Embrace

I like the whipping machine idea, we'd have to replace the steam powerplant with a modern diesel engine, though, for optimum efficiency. Somehow rigging the throttle up to a governor that automatically increases RPM when the screaming and wailing drops below a certain decibel would be a nice upgrade, too.

A waterboarding feature would also be great. Show the kids how life without Jesus is like life without air...a living death. I could run that booth myself, I'm fully certified!