Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

[BrotherLarry]

I participated in a Church League basketball game this week. Because the church does not have sporting facilities as grand as Landover's, the two teams had to share a locker room.

Once we were all undressed, one of my Baptist brothers pointed out that he had been inspecting the generals of the opposing Presbyterian team and had found that they were infinitesimally small. Upon entering the group showers, I had to agree that the Baptists were quite blessed, while Presbyterians seemed to have been a bit shortchanged so to speak.

I know that those of you involved in praying the gay away would know the answer to this intriguing situation. I usually pay no mind to other men's equipment - but this was an unusual situation and one that almost brought laughter to my soul. What say ye, brethren? Are Baptists superior in this way because GOD decreed it so? Are there others who are inferior to us?

[Elmer G. White]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

I participated in a Church League basketball game this week. Because the church does not have sporting facilities as grand as Landover's, the two teams had to share a locker room.

Once we were all undressed, one of my Baptist brothers pointed out that he had been inspecting the generals of the opposing Presbyterian team and had found that they were infinitesimally small. Upon entering the group showers, I had to agree that the Baptists were quite blessed, while Presbyterians seemed to have been a bit shortchanged so to speak.

I know that those of you involved in praying the gay away would know the answer to this intriguing situation. I usually pay no mind to other men's equipment - but this was an unusual situation and one that almost brought laughter to my soul. What say ye, brethren? Are Baptists superior in this way because GOD decreed it so? Are there others who are inferior to us?

Brother,

*"GAY" ALERT*

You are in grave danger. We have two relevant pieces of Creation-Scientific information that will reveal to you that you are - badly and disastrously - mistaken.

1. Egyptians, once the principal enemies of God, had extremely big penises. This is also very relevant to your postgraduate studies, as it compares the male members of those sinners to the equine equipment.

Ezekiel 23:19-20
Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.

As you can see, the large "outreach" is characteristic of the Enemies of Jesus.

2. It is well-known fact that homosexuals are much better endowed that normal men when it comes to penis size.

Penile dimensions were assessed using five measures of penile length and circumference from Kinsey’s original protocol. On all five measures, homosexual men reported larger penises than did heterosexual men.

Please, do not mingle with that crowd any more unless it be for rebuke and exhortations. Those people may tell you that they're Godly Baptists but their anatomical measurements prove otherwise.

Matthew 7:21
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.

Again, it is the Enemies of Jesus that have the biggest "dimensions" in their begetting machinery. If yours is within the size range of Egyptians or - even worse - as large as those mentioned in 1 Timothy 1:10, please search for a cure (Luke 9:2)!


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

[BrotherLarry]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

Brother Elmer,


Once again you have reached out and grabbed me, revealing to me facts about the penile system that I might have never discovered had you not been there to show me. Because I am constantly involved in research, I learned something that will not surprise you:


The men on the opposing team were not all Presbyterian! The majority of them are actually Baptists whose wives led them astray into the false teachings of the presbytery. This explains their exceptionally tiny reproductional equipment!


It all falls in line for me now. I know it's a fact that Pastor Ezekiel is known for having a mouse-like endowment (GLORY TO GOD!) but I had no idea this was something related to one's faith. I think my own hugeness comes from being a former papist, but I am seeking out specialists in urology here in NYC who may be able to correct my deformity, as you suggested. Won't you keep me in constant prayer, my mentor and brother in Christ Jesus?


I called the Church League and told them I would no longer be playing and I told them exactly why. Do you know what the coach said? Well, first he jeered and acted like I wasn't serious. Then he told me you were a "quack wannabe theologist," and he mentioned having heard of some incident in your past that he "could prove that you were revoked of [your] doctorate." He said if you are still teaching that you should be immediately defrocked since you have no licensure.


May I say I put him in his place using the Holy Scriptures - including (Proverbs 16:16), (Proverbs 10:14) (1 Corinthians 2:4-5). When GOD has endowed you, as he surely has, with wisdom, there is no man who can take that away. I threatened to take him to court, since I know you would have no qualms whatsoever in establishing your credentials as valid and true.


Thank you, my friend and esteemed professor, for your life-giving words of truth. May God grant you a special blessing this day!


BrotherLarry

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

Well, this is all news to me. I thought that the small Presbyterian tallywhackers was due to the cold up there in Scotland - which is why the Scots were fond of burning crosses (a proud tradition that they brought with them to the US).

Then there are the miscellaneous rantings of John Calvin - but I'm not sure that has anything to do with it. Martin Luther started all this "Reformation" stuff, but he was definitely misguided - there is no "reforming" of papists.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

I don't get it. Why do men even make comparisons like this? Does it affect the size of his baby at birth or something?

[Alvin Moss]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

At first, I didn't know what to make of the small Presbyterian penis news, as I am unfamiliar with the members of Presbyterians. I have some neighbors who told me once they were Presbyterians, so I went to their house and asked them about this theory. Though I had asked entirely in the spirit of scientific inquiry, they became angry and made threats. I was somewhat taken aback by the reaction and I retreated to my own home. Now, just a few minutes ago, the police have come to my home and made unsavory accusations. I can only assume, from the outraged reaction I received, that the story is true and the Presbyterians are very touchy about the whole subject.

[I Man Rastafari]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

I should tell you that it is well known by Black people that all white men have a small penis. This testimony has come down to us from the slave women who were forced to have sex with their white masters. Other confirmation is offered by white girls who tell Black men that they have very large penises. This would lead me to overstand that white men have small penises because white girls think Black men are well endowed while Black men think their penises are quite normal.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

I don't get it. Why do men even make comparisons like this? Does it affect the size of his baby at birth or something?

In case you didn't notice Sister, this is a "Men only!" forum and I dare say that you should stay out of this. Women are to root cause of these issues, and your attempt to lay blame elsewhere can be considered duplicitous.

We know from the Bible (KJV1611) that women have a propensity to listen to talking snakes, and if given the choice they would listen to talking penises.

Sizing up: women prefer slightly larger penises, new study reveals
Women chose bigger penises for a one-time sexual encounter versus a long-term partner, showing that the ideal penis is larger than the global average
Mona Chalabi
Monday 5 December 2016 12.15 EST

. . . .
Researchers from the University of California and the University of New Mexico provided women with 33 different-sized 3D penis models made of rigid, odorless, blue plastic (they were blue “to minimize racial skin-color cues”) to choose from. In total, 75 women, ages 18 to 65, took part in the study.

When asked to select the model which represented their preferred penis size in a long-term partner, the average response was 6.3 inches (16cm) in length and 4.8 inches (12.2cm) around. For a one-time sexual experience, the average plastic penis the women chose was slightly larger – 6.4 inches (16.3 cm) long and 5.0 inches (12.7cm) in circumference.

Previous studies had presented women with 2D, flaccid penises, so this is the first research to provide hard evidence that women’s ideal penises are slightly larger than average penis size.

. . . .

Sexual psychophysiologist Dr Nicole Prause and a team of researchers also gave the women a questionnaire about their past sexual experiences. Their responses revealed a diversity of first-hand penis encounters, ranging from 2.5 inches in length to 8 inches. Some women also said that they had ended a relationship partly because of their partner’s penis size – 7% of women said because their partner’s penis had been “too large”, and 20% said it had been “too small”.

. . . .

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/dec/05/women-large-penis-size-study

[Hereigns]

Re: Do All Presbyterians Have Small Penises?

Why does it matter?