My Stupid Friend Ron

[BrotherLarry]

I don't talk about him much, but one of my friends is stupid.


I met him when I did his horse a few months ago. Ron didn't realize that keeping a horse healthy includes regular, competent gnathology or your horse will start to look like British people.


Anyway, he became a friend after I last cleaned his horse's disgusting mouth and set him up with some horse braces. He came by last night and informed me that he had broken up with Sarah, his lady friend of about four months. The reason? She is afraid of cats. Ron has 13 cats.


She knew he had cats four months ago. He told her, "I have 13 cats." She was like, "Ok. What are their names?" And he said, "Cricket, Colodney, Dewdrop, Mango Joe, Aladdin, Lucifer, Mephisto, Wiffle, Waffle, Dipstick, Prissy, Frank Caliendo, and Bill." She was like, "Ok. Those are some cute names."


Well now that he wants to invite her over to his place to meet his uncle, (his parents died in a freak car crash involving a runaway boat trailer) she is claiming the cats are too scary for her so she wants to break up. What was she thinking - that my friend would just give up his cats for her? God didn't create people stupid.


Eve, naturally a female, started it all when she had to have a bite of knowledge fruit after the serpent talked her into it. From then on, men have been getting their hearts broken because of stupid moves like this. But Ron is stupid, too, even if his stupidity evolved from Eve somehow.


In a desperate attempt to keep this girlfriend, he built 13 little cages in his spare room and installed soundproofing so you couldn't hear the incessant meowing, scratching, and other noises felines make. He called Sarah and told her the cats were gone and they could now continue their relationship. She came over and wanted to see his place. When they skipped the room with the hidden cats, Sarah became curious. She apparently excused herself to visit the bathroom and opened the door, only to have 13 very stir-crazy cats jump on her fancy Forever 21 outfit.


Deceit never brings victory to a situation.


So now Ron is trying to sell his cats so he can go to Forever 21 and replace Sarah's dress. In the meantime, he just put an ad on Match to find a replacement girlfriend until Sarah comes back to him. All of this for a stupid girl. I am glad that my certified equine gnathology keeps me busy and away from the wiles of the human weaker gender. God is so good to us. I'm surprised He created us, knowing we'd be stupid.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: My Stupid Friend Ron

Your friend needs Christ.

I'll pray for him.

[Alvin Moss]

Re: My Stupid Friend Ron

Thirteen cats in one room is like a preview of Hell. The smell alone would cause swooning. Where I live, it isn't even legal to have that many cats. We see serial cat owners on the six o'clock news from time, with the police searching the house and the excessive cats being arrested and taken to cat concentration camps. In Texas, we know that cats are loathsome creatures, often in league with Satan and the known companions of witches.


Here, we prefer dogs, which are man's best friend. We are also partial to bovines and horses, though those are usually kept outside. There is a lack of horse dentistry available here, though. Brother Larry might want to keep that in mind for the future.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: My Stupid Friend Ron

I don't talk about him much, but one of my friends is stupid.


I met him when I did his horse a few months ago. Ron didn't realize that keeping a horse healthy includes regular, competent gnathology or your horse will start to look like British people.


Anyway, he became a friend after I last cleaned his horse's disgusting mouth and set him up with some horse braces. He came by last night and informed me that he had broken up with Sarah, his lady friend of about four months. The reason? She is afraid of cats. Ron has 13 cats.


She knew he had cats four months ago. He told her, "I have 13 cats." She was like, "Ok. What are their names?" And he said, "Cricket, Colodney, Dewdrop, Mango Joe, Aladdin, Lucifer, Mephisto, Wiffle, Waffle, Dipstick, Prissy, Frank Caliendo, and Bill." She was like, "Ok. Those are some cute names."


Well now that he wants to invite her over to his place to meet his uncle, (his parents died in a freak car crash involving a runaway boat trailer) she is claiming the cats are too scary for her so she wants to break up. What was she thinking - that my friend would just give up his cats for her? God didn't create people stupid.


Eve, naturally a female, started it all when she had to have a bite of knowledge fruit after the serpent talked her into it. From then on, men have been getting their hearts broken because of stupid moves like this. But Ron is stupid, too, even if his stupidity evolved from Eve somehow.


In a desperate attempt to keep this girlfriend, he built 13 little cages in his spare room and installed soundproofing so you couldn't hear the incessant meowing, scratching, and other noises felines make. He called Sarah and told her the cats were gone and they could now continue their relationship. She came over and wanted to see his place. When they skipped the room with the hidden cats, Sarah became curious. She apparently excused herself to visit the bathroom and opened the door, only to have 13 very stir-crazy cats jump on her fancy Forever 21 outfit.


Deceit never brings victory to a situation.


So now Ron is trying to sell his cats so he can go to Forever 21 and replace Sarah's dress. In the meantime, he just put an ad on Match to find a replacement girlfriend until Sarah comes back to him.

Perhaps if your friend looked for someone with an alternative dress sense? I'm also interested in whether your friend is a catholic, many of whom have unusual appetites and can get Vatican-dogma-on-the-brain syndrome which Sarah might have been able to exploit for her own purposes. Especially if she's a papist too and your friend is trying to tear himself away from its hideous clutches.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: My Stupid Friend Ron

I don't talk about him much, but one of my friends is stupid.

Ron has 13 cats.

Larry,


Ron must be pretty dumb. Cats? How many men do you know that keeps 13 cats. Is there something wrong with Ron? Is his "girlfriend" really a girl named Sarah or is she a man named Stan?


Cats are vermin and should be exterminated. I learnt my lesson when I bought a pair for my poor, dead and buried, wife. They bred like rabbits and the house became over run. Now that the wife is no longer here the cats are gone and my dogs have been able to return


So, a bit of advice for your "friend" Ron, tell him to get with Jesus, I will pray that he comes to see that cats are not good to keep.


Your friend,
Tom

[BrotherLarry]

Re: My Stupid Friend Ron

I'm also interested in whether your friend is a catholic, many of whom have unusual appetites and can get Vatican-dogma-on-the-brain syndrome which Sarah might have been able to exploit for her own purposes. Especially if she's a papist too and your friend is trying to tear himself away from its hideous clutches.

Ron attends a Catholic church for morning Mass and then a Pentecostal church for Sunday evening and Wednesday evening services. I suppose he's Roman Pentecostal, then? He taught me that many Catholics believe in the gifts of the Spirit (as they should!) so he is not unique in practicing Pentecostalismness. I had not encountered this during my papist days (or nights).


Sarah has a restraining order against him at this time so he's trying to woo this Pentecostal chick named Deborah. He describes her as plain, no makeup, long dresses, long hair, no jewelry, doesn't believe in dancing, playing cards, going to the movies, watching TV other than Christian broadcasting, and he states she is "submissive, obedient, and can cook a chicken." Those last three qualities are honorable for sure. I think I'd prefer someone who can win at Texas Hold'em while cooking a chicken and doing what I tell her, quietly. But each to his own.


Well, I'm about to extract a tooth from a mare in Southampton. Good thing I get my Long Island Railroad tickets reimbursed as part of the bill. Thanks for caring, Sister Mitzalizalor.


COME LORD JESUS!
BrotherLarry (Rev. 22:12)