Two-handed self-abuse?

[Bob4God]

This afternoon after church services, a young man in our congregation approached me sheepishly and confessed that he had a problem.

I already suspected what it was before he even told me. You wouldn't believe how rampant biological urges are these days.

The young man told me he struggles nightly with solitary temptations of the flesh, and he understands that tying of his hands is the only way to physically resist, but he only ever gets as far as tying one hand to the bed post and is then unable to tie the other.

"It's not enough to just tie your dominate hand?" I asked, bewildered.

"No," he told me, "I need them both tied at the same time and I don't know how to do that."

It turns out it's not freakish enough that he can use his left hand as well as his right to torture his own body, but he can use both hands at the same time!

I was flabbergasted and simply took a large step back from him.

He's embarrassed to ask his father to tie him to the bed every night, and he is unable to tie more than one of his hands by himself.

I told him I would have to think and pray on the matter before I came up with a solution.

I have been thinking all afternoon and I can't even comprehend how it could be physically possible for somebody to use both hands for the solitary sin at the same time, let alone how he's going to get tied up in bed every night unless he mans up enough to have his dad do it

Is it feasible that a True Christian pastor could go by his house each evening and tie the young man to his bed?

Or would something like Chinese handcuffs be a more practical solution?

I told him I would call him tomorrow with some answers, if I have any.

[amy_fothers, Sceptical Atheist]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Allow him the truly unrivalled joy of blowing a load while thinking of some particularly beautiful woman?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Allow him the truly unrivalled joy of blowing a load while thinking of some particularly beautiful woman?

If you don't even know that that would be sin (and therefore not an option from the start), why don't you go away until you've ?

[RighteousYouth22]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

This man you speak of obviously is in need of great will in order to refrain from using physical force in order to do so. Only God will give him the strength to "tie both hands" so this mischief is no longer an issue.

Jeremiah 33:3 Call unto me, and i will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not.

Your friend hasn't prayed and asked for God's help on this if he is resorts to a mechanical solution. If he can't do it, God can. Show him the verse and let him pray for a solution. The Lord will give him every bit of strength needed for this problem.

And if he has prayed, it's not enough. You can never pray enough.

[amy_fothers, Sceptical Atheist]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

If you don't even know that that would be sin (and therefore not an option from the start), why don't you go away until you've ?

Haha, it may be a sin in your eyes, I believe it's totally natural

[Nitras aka Martin the queer]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

If you don't even know that that would be sin (and therefore not an option from the start), why don't you go away until you've ?

Do you guys seriously never masturbate? Have you ever tried it? It's seriously the most intense pleasurable wonderful feeling in the world!
I do it 2/3 times a DAY.

And the wife she uses her mouth, it is truly excellent.
She ties both my hands to the bed and frustrates me to the limit, I'm literally begging for it!

Seriously, you guys haven't experience life without having regular orgasms.

If God didn't want us to masturbate then why did he make it feel so good?
How is it abuse if we enjoy it?

Oh and before you damn me, I already know I'm going to hell.

[VictoryOS]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Haha, it may be a sin in your eyes, I believe it's totally natural

It doesn't matter what you believe. What matters is what God wants you to believe. If you don't like it, you'll have to take it up with Him.

[amy_fothers, Sceptical Atheist]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

It doesn't matter what you believe. What matters is what God wants you to believe. If you don't like it, you'll have to take it up with Him.

It matters to me darling.
God can want me to believe whatever he likes, while he is a figment of your imagination it won't really affect me will it
I can't wait. If I ever get to confront him it will be a joyous day indeed...and then i'll no doubt wake up from whatever nightmare that is ^^

[Didymus Much]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Haha, it may be a sin in your eyes, I believe it's totally natural

Do you guys seriously never masturbate?...

Sin is defined by the Bible, you clueless twits, not me.

I don't believe in it either (my Unsaved Trash status and awards give it away to the less incurious), but OP does and you know it, so your suggestion is as helpful and wanted as "walk it off" would be to an amputee.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

This afternoon after church services, a young man in our congregation approached me sheepishly and confessed that he had a problem.

I already suspected what it was before he even told me. You wouldn't believe how rampant biological urges are these days.

The young man told me he struggles nightly with solitary temptations of the flesh, and he understands that tying of his hands is the only way to physically resist, but he only ever gets as far as tying one hand to the bed post and is then unable to tie the other.

"It's not enough to just tie your dominate hand?" I asked, bewildered.

"No," he told me, "I need them both tied at the same time and I don't know how to do that."

It turns out it's not freakish enough that he can use his left hand as well as his right to torture his own body, but he can use both hands at the same time!

I was flabbergasted and simply took a large step back from him.

He's embarrassed to ask his father to tie him to the bed every night, and he is unable to tie more than one of his hands by himself.

I told him I would have to think and pray on the matter before I came up with a solution.

I have been thinking all afternoon and I can't even comprehend how it could be physically possible for somebody to use both hands for the solitary sin at the same time, let alone how he's going to get tied up in bed every night unless he mans up enough to have his dad do it

Is it feasible that a True Christian pastor could go by his house each evening and tie the young man to his bed?

Or would something like Chinese handcuffs be a more practical solution?

I told him I would call him tomorrow with some answers, if I have any.

Has the young man tried to follow my famous True Christian(tm) Steps in Overcoming Masturbation? That works for so many nubile boys and men.

[Holyfield]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

I told him I would call him tomorrow with some answers, if I have any.

Well there are always tried and tested mechanical devices like this:



Or just use a simple pulse monitoring system. If the heart rate goes up, an electric shock is administered to the body.

[Professor Bessemer]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

but he can use both hands at the same time!


I have been thinking all afternoon and I can't even comprehend how it could be physically possible for somebody to use both hands for the solitary sin at the same time,

I know this seems unlikely, but is this young man by any chance a Negro? When I was in the grips of my sodomania, I met several colored bucks that used both hands at the same time to abuse themselves.

Come to think of it, if this young man is a chronic masturbator, he is more than likely also a raging queer. Please PM me his address, I need to begin his Ex-Gay© treatment immediately.

[Bob4God]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

I know this seems unlikely, but is this young man by any chance a Negro?

He isn't a negro, as surprising as that may sound. I know that the negros have been afflicted with freakish and unnatural anatomy, making them more prone to sex, rape, and lust, but the young man in question is GODly white.

Is it possible he has negro blood in his family, or has contracted an African disease that is making him behave this way?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Do you guys seriously never masturbate? Have you ever tried it? It's seriously the most intense pleasurable wonderful feeling in the world!
I do it 2/3 times a DAY.

How do you do it 2/3 of a time each day? Just stop partway through?

If God didn't want us to masturbate then why did he make it feel so good?

A few examples demonstrating the weakness of your pathetic "argument":

If God didn't want us to rape infants, then why did He make it feel so good?

If God didn't want us to have abortions, then why did He make it so convenient?

If God didn't want us to murder our parents and dismember their still-living bodies, then why did He make it so much fun?

This afternoon after church services, a young man in our congregation approached me sheepishly and confessed that he had a problem.

I already suspected what it was before he even told me. You wouldn't believe how rampant biological urges are these days.

The young man told me he struggles nightly with solitary temptations of the flesh, and he understands that tying of his hands is the only way to physically resist, but he only ever gets as far as tying one hand to the bed post and is then unable to tie the other.

Why isn't this young man married?

And if he's not married, isn't he living with his parents? This monstrous perversion is something his father should be handling. Call the boy's father, and direct him to administer his rod until the lad is drained of his unnatural lusts.

[Bob4God]

Re: Two-handed self-abuse?

Call the boy's father, and direct him to administer his rod until the lad is drained of his unnatural lusts.

I was hoping that the church could get involved in some official capacity with the boy's private life, but I am going to call his father tomorrow.

I do believe it is the responsibility of any religious congregation to have a hand in other people's sexuality, and I will try to work out a way with the father for us to still be involved.