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The Baldknobbers REVEALED!
Friends,
I have just returned to my dwelling, bolted the doors and released the blood hounds. Only by repeating Psalm 23:4 have I calmed down sufficiently to type my account. It was an evening of such depravity that I hardly dare describe it. However, keeping in mind the words of Philippians 4:13, I will begin at the beginning.
My great-grand-daddy was proud to call himself a Bald Knobber.
This was in the years immediately after the war of Yankee agression, and folks like my great-grand-daddy had to uphold God's law in a lawless time. There were freed nigras running amok; tens of thousands of yankee looters, with raping and pillaging of both women and cattle; all manner of sleazy politicians, their carpet bags bulging with stolen gold and fixings: they all laid siege to the lives of decent folk in the South and the South West.
In the state of Missouri, however, a group arose who spread salvation and glory, under the noble moniker of "The Bald Knobbers". These were no ordinary men. They saw about them fornicators, thieves, adulterers, liars, drunkards and cheats; and they dealt with these criminals according to God's law. These heroes would recite 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, as they strung the transgressors up from the nearest tree.
"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God." were the last words these criminals ever heard!
All in all, the Hopkins's have always been proud of great-grand-daddy. And so, it was with a song in my heart, and praising Jesus by not sparing the gas, that I drove over to Branson yesterday evening.
I had noticed an advertisement in the local newspaper for "The Baldknobbers Jamboree Show", and was determined to make contact with the fine men who were carrying on my great-grand-daddy's tradition.
Now, you have to keep in mind, that my great-grand-daddy was a man who would only quote 1 John 3:4, when in conjunction with Romans 6:23!
"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law, young Matthew", he would croak, "And you must never forget that! For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord," he would add, with a twinkle in his eye.
It was with high hopes then, that I cruised into the outskirts of Branson as the dusk fell softly over the hills all around. I seemed to feel my great-grand-daddy's angel was sitting next to me, like generations of Hopkins's were with me, there in my luxury SUV. Maybe it was the Hopkin's family heirlooms, laid out on the passenger seat, which brought about these strange feelings.
There they were, old Obadiah Hopkins' hickory shafted hatchet:
Habakkuk 'Hop-along' Hopkins' trusty rope:
And the costume of my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins:
Yes, friends, how I was looking forward to meeting some real men. Missouri men. Republican men. Men prepared to beard the lion in its den, men prepared to fight back against liberals and queers and God-hating God-hating God-hating atheists. Men like my great-grand-daddy. Men like The Bald Knobbers, who had once struck fear into the hearts of all sinful men. I was going to meet them, and together we would strike a blow for God, and for freedom from Democrat oppression and hatred.
You can imagine, friends, my emotions, when upon arriving at what I had imagined to be a fundraising jamboree for a Godly, Republican militia, instead I found....
...THIS......
And this...
I maintained my composure, and taking my strength from the book of Leviticus, Chapter 21, I proclaimed:"Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God!" as I turned over the nearest table,
"Or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken!" I exalted, as I strode onto the stage and kicked the middle of those three fools in the tallywhacker, "A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes!" said I, smiting the spastic on the left with Proverbs 18:6 and a swift uppercut.
I was on the verge of dealing with the third retard, preparing to save him with Proverbs 3:35 and a kick in the kneecap, when I was set upon by a surprisingly athletic, blonde violiniste. Shortly afterwards I was roughly escorted to my car by two colored men in uniforms.
What happened next is hazy, I'm afraid. I remember the hatchet, and the rope, and something about calling 911. But the main thing is that I made it home safely, after such a shocking evening. It was like some sort of spastic orgy of music and dance, back there. Women cavorting in revealing clothes, retards and learning disableds on stage.
Blemishes,
harlots,
whores
and banjos.
That about sums up "The Baldknobbers".
But folks, don't let their disgusting, "inclusive" agenda fool you. These people are evil. They are sinners, and they are law breakers. They spew their "comedy" and their "antics", but their very being is of satan.
Don't forget those verses that my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins, was so fond of quoting:
"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law." 1 John 3:4 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23
I shall replace Abednego's costume in the library, in the cabinet next to his portrait, where I keep a candle burning. Then I shall lock the shutters, and go to my room.
As always, I will lie awake, pondering Ephesians 5:22, and, as of late, I will pray earnestly for the fifth Mrs Hopkins to arrive most urgently. I ask this of you, Oh Lord.
YBIC
Matthew
I have just returned to my dwelling, bolted the doors and released the blood hounds. Only by repeating Psalm 23:4 have I calmed down sufficiently to type my account. It was an evening of such depravity that I hardly dare describe it. However, keeping in mind the words of Philippians 4:13, I will begin at the beginning.
My great-grand-daddy was proud to call himself a Bald Knobber.
This was in the years immediately after the war of Yankee agression, and folks like my great-grand-daddy had to uphold God's law in a lawless time. There were freed nigras running amok; tens of thousands of yankee looters, with raping and pillaging of both women and cattle; all manner of sleazy politicians, their carpet bags bulging with stolen gold and fixings: they all laid siege to the lives of decent folk in the South and the South West.
In the state of Missouri, however, a group arose who spread salvation and glory, under the noble moniker of "The Bald Knobbers". These were no ordinary men. They saw about them fornicators, thieves, adulterers, liars, drunkards and cheats; and they dealt with these criminals according to God's law. These heroes would recite 1 Corinthians 6:9-10, as they strung the transgressors up from the nearest tree.
"Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God." were the last words these criminals ever heard!
All in all, the Hopkins's have always been proud of great-grand-daddy. And so, it was with a song in my heart, and praising Jesus by not sparing the gas, that I drove over to Branson yesterday evening.
I had noticed an advertisement in the local newspaper for "The Baldknobbers Jamboree Show", and was determined to make contact with the fine men who were carrying on my great-grand-daddy's tradition.
Now, you have to keep in mind, that my great-grand-daddy was a man who would only quote 1 John 3:4, when in conjunction with Romans 6:23!
"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law, young Matthew", he would croak, "And you must never forget that! For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord," he would add, with a twinkle in his eye.
It was with high hopes then, that I cruised into the outskirts of Branson as the dusk fell softly over the hills all around. I seemed to feel my great-grand-daddy's angel was sitting next to me, like generations of Hopkins's were with me, there in my luxury SUV. Maybe it was the Hopkin's family heirlooms, laid out on the passenger seat, which brought about these strange feelings.
There they were, old Obadiah Hopkins' hickory shafted hatchet:
Habakkuk 'Hop-along' Hopkins' trusty rope:
And the costume of my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins:
Yes, friends, how I was looking forward to meeting some real men. Missouri men. Republican men. Men prepared to beard the lion in its den, men prepared to fight back against liberals and queers and God-hating God-hating God-hating atheists. Men like my great-grand-daddy. Men like The Bald Knobbers, who had once struck fear into the hearts of all sinful men. I was going to meet them, and together we would strike a blow for God, and for freedom from Democrat oppression and hatred.
You can imagine, friends, my emotions, when upon arriving at what I had imagined to be a fundraising jamboree for a Godly, Republican militia, instead I found....
...THIS......
And this...
I maintained my composure, and taking my strength from the book of Leviticus, Chapter 21, I proclaimed:"Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God!" as I turned over the nearest table,
"Or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken!" I exalted, as I strode onto the stage and kicked the middle of those three fools in the tallywhacker, "A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes!" said I, smiting the spastic on the left with Proverbs 18:6 and a swift uppercut.
I was on the verge of dealing with the third retard, preparing to save him with Proverbs 3:35 and a kick in the kneecap, when I was set upon by a surprisingly athletic, blonde violiniste. Shortly afterwards I was roughly escorted to my car by two colored men in uniforms.
What happened next is hazy, I'm afraid. I remember the hatchet, and the rope, and something about calling 911. But the main thing is that I made it home safely, after such a shocking evening. It was like some sort of spastic orgy of music and dance, back there. Women cavorting in revealing clothes, retards and learning disableds on stage.
Blemishes,
harlots,
whores
and banjos.
That about sums up "The Baldknobbers".
But folks, don't let their disgusting, "inclusive" agenda fool you. These people are evil. They are sinners, and they are law breakers. They spew their "comedy" and their "antics", but their very being is of satan.
Don't forget those verses that my great-grand-daddy, Abednego Hopkins, was so fond of quoting:
"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law." 1 John 3:4 "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 6:23
I shall replace Abednego's costume in the library, in the cabinet next to his portrait, where I keep a candle burning. Then I shall lock the shutters, and go to my room.
As always, I will lie awake, pondering Ephesians 5:22, and, as of late, I will pray earnestly for the fifth Mrs Hopkins to arrive most urgently. I ask this of you, Oh Lord.
YBIC
Matthew
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