Beware of "Christian Swingers" AKA Perverts

[Pastor Ezekiel]

THESE perverts are headed for the deepest pits of hellfire, because they are not only adulterers, perverts and fornicators, they are doing it in Christ Jesus' name!

Swinging For God

These Christian swingers use their multi sex partner lifestyle to preach the Gospel.

A Bible-thumping couple in Florida is changing the way people think about their faith — with a hookup website for devout Christian swingers!

Cristy Parave and her husband, Dean, are the unashamed bodybuilding Jesus lovers bringing couples together and introducing them to their wild lifestyle of swapping sex partners and Bible verses, Barcroft Media reports.

When the fitness gurus got sick of finding swingers online who couldn’t meet their standards, they decided to set up their own swinging network — FitnessSwingers.com. They have been touring the US ever since, meeting couples who want to join in and indulge in their holy promiscuity.

The couple first met at a bodybuilding competition, and simply don’t care what people say about their swinging. They firmly believe that despite their unfaithful marriages, the big guy upstairs doesn’t have a care in the world that they’re defiling their sacred vows.

“I don’t think God would be mad at what we are doing,” Cristy said. “At first I was conflicted, but the more we looked at it, the more it makes sense to us.”

The 44-year-old added that she felt mankind had been created to frolic and fornicate with one another.

“God put people on the Earth to breed and enjoy each other,” she told Barcroft. “I feel God is always with me and he has put us here for a reason.”

The hulking matchmakers have been together for seven years, according to Barcroft. They began their swinging escapades when the two met a brazen couple at Home Depot who blatantly asked them if they wanted to swing.

“I was so naive, I thought they were talking about swing dancing,” she said. “Afterwards we went home and looked it up online and it sounded exciting.”

Oh I'm sure it must sound exciting. But how does an everlasting eternity of being tortured in the flames of hell" where their worm dieth not" sound?

Matthew 13:41-42
The Son of man shall send forth his angels, and they shall gather out of his kingdom all things that offend, and them which do iniquity; And shall cast them into a furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Mark 9:43-48
... into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched.

[Father Maurice Lester]

Re: Beware of "Christian Swingers" AKA Perverts

This does not surprise me in the least as Baptits prone to debauchery proliferate from group homes in the Florida pan-handle all the way to trailer parks in Lompoc.

My assistant, Brother Niall Downes, has been studying a well-known phenomenon in The Church whereupon non-Catholics line up for and participate in the blessed Sacrament of Confession.

You read that right... assuming you weren't home schooled in Freehold.

It seems these misguided souls are under the false belief (Who would have imagined cultists with false beliefs?) that by participating in Holy Confession their mortal transgressions are wiped away like traffic tickets contested in court when the issuing police fail to show for trial.

Wrong.

As much as I appreciate that deep down they are seeking forgiveness for their sins, there is no get out of eternal Hell card free for folks like this unless they have been properly baptized and are taking Confession as a prelude to their first Communion.

Our exit polling is extensive and we can determine within a plus or minus 2 percent accuracy that in areas where Baptwits are prevalent almost 11 percent of Confessions are for the imaginary benefit of sexual miscreants like those in the aforementioned article.

Of course we don't keep stats on Catholic confessions but we sure as heck do track the babble that tumbles out of the mouths of sinners like this who are too stupid to bother joining the one true Church and the one Church where forgiveness for sins like this is a kneel and a prayer or two away!

I would tell you more but that might spoil Brother Downes' upcoming exposé on this topic entitled "Sins of the Dims, a Scholarly Look at America's Dumbest Punters".

When the book is released I will ask Brother Downes to pop in and take a few questions from the crowd here. He has promised to use very small words in his replies so get prepared and do take a closer look at any Freehold couples who never seem to get married but spend a lot of time pie-swapping.




Bless you, my hose and whipper snappers,
Father Mo



.

[Freddy Osborne]

Re: Beware of "Christian Swingers" AKA Perverts

As someone who spent hours honing his physique at the local gym, I have myself been tempted by beautiful seductresses like these.

But I heed The Lord.

Matthew 5:28: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

However, I suspect a poor wimpish man with purple hair has no chance but succumb to the whims of a firm, steamy, oil soaked siren.

I can't fathom the torture Satan has in store for him at the steely hands of this Jezebel.

Romans 8:6. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.

In His Name.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Beware of "Christian Swingers" AKA Perverts

THESE perverts are headed for the deepest pits of hellfire, because they are not only adulterers, perverts and fornicators, they are doing it in Christ Jesus' name!
Cristy Parave and her husband, Dean...

So the lead fornicator behind this pit of filth is actually called D. Prave? What a brilliantly fitting name. Someone needs to remind D. Prave that the only friend with benefits he needs is JESUS. God made Adam and Eve, not Eve and Jane and Jane's on-again-and-off-again buddy Pete and then Pete is also having a thing from time to time with Edith and Edith's thinking of maybe getting together with Mike but Mike's a bit shy and hard to read and she can't tell if he likes her and is just playing hard to get or if he's just genuinely not that keen, and so on and so forth. Sick, unnatural and just plain wrong!

Papist perversity snipped

Thank you for your thoughts on this matter, friend. Your opinions on this issue are highly relevant, seeing as Catholic priests have always been so good at upholding the tradition of marriage being between one man and one woman. Remind me, how's your wife doing again?