Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

[Straight 4 His Love]

Hello Faithful!

As outlined in another post, I have a special annex to my home which I use to confine myself when the demons of homer attraction threaten to commandeer my sexuality. Currently, “The Bullpen” has what I figure are the essentials for an effective dehomerization session–four sound-proofed, windowless walls; a time-release door and handcuffs. The sheer misery of being handcuffed to a wall in a pitch-black room for two days is a wonderful antidote to the sins of lust and pride. Indeed, as the Good Book itself tells us:

1 Peter 5:10 – But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

Romans 5:3-5 – And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Still, I think the time I spend in “The Bullpen” isn’t being used to its full potential. I’ve estimated an average stay of about two and a half days. It seems to me there’s an opportunity here for some quality one-on-one time with the Good Lord’s Word as well as a healthy helping of suffering.

The trouble, of course, is that my hands are chained to a wall when I’m in The Bullpen, so I can’t use them to turn pages.

But, this being the 21st Century, I think I can overcome this technical hurdle with a little divine inspiration! Maybe a couple of HDTVs continuously displaying quotes from the King James Bible, or perhaps GODLY sermons on a 24/7 audio loop… with voice activated playlists?

The room itself is about 16’x16’ with a 10’ ceiling. The main door obviously takes up part of one wall, and I’m going to be chained on the opposite wall. That leaves a fair amount of space to work with, though.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Yours in Christ

[VictoryOS]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Maybe you could put a large piece of artwork on your wall depicting a strong, manly, verile Jesus to remind you that you are manly as well, not some butt hugging liberal queer.

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Oh my, Sister! You know, I think that could go right on the ceiling! Just imagine: Every time I looked towards the heavens to beseech the Lord for forgiveness and release from my torments, I would receive a MANLY vision of the Savior himself to steel my resolve!

Keep those ideas coming!

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Also, hire a woman to paint verses on a wall about men's role in the world, and on how to be a husband and a strong, manly soldier in the Lord's army. My two, cents are now in.

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Also, hire a woman to paint verses on a wall about men's role in the world, and on how to be a husband and a strong, manly soldier in the Lord's army. My two, cents are now in.

Hmm... yes... perhaps in glow in the dark paint...

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Hmm... yes... perhaps in glow in the dark paint...

That sounds homer and childish. "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

[Straight 4 His Love]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Ah, but you see, glow in the dark paint assures that, even in the event of a complete power outage, the wondrous verses of the Lord will shine radiant in the midst of darkness.

[Witch Hammer]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Hello Faithful!

As outlined in another post, I have a special annex to my home which I use to confine myself when the demons of homer attraction threaten to commandeer my sexuality. Currently, “The Bullpen” has what I figure are the essentials for an effective dehomerization session–four sound-proofed, windowless walls; a time-release door and handcuffs. The sheer misery of being handcuffed to a wall in a pitch-black room for two days is a wonderful antidote to the sins of lust and pride. Indeed, as the Good Book itself tells us:

1 Peter 5:10 – But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

Romans 5:3-5 – And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.

Still, I think the time I spend in “The Bullpen” isn’t being used to its full potential. I’ve estimated an average stay of about two and a half days. It seems to me there’s an opportunity here for some quality one-on-one time with the Good Lord’s Word as well as a healthy helping of suffering.

The trouble, of course, is that my hands are chained to a wall when I’m in The Bullpen, so I can’t use them to turn pages.

But, this being the 21st Century, I think I can overcome this technical hurdle with a little divine inspiration! Maybe a couple of HDTVs continuously displaying quotes from the King James Bible, or perhaps GODLY sermons on a 24/7 audio loop… with voice activated playlists?

The room itself is about 16’x16’ with a 10’ ceiling. The main door obviously takes up part of one wall, and I’m going to be chained on the opposite wall. That leaves a fair amount of space to work with, though.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Yours in Christ

Hmmm...a dehomerization chamber, you say? I would suggest the following:

1. Hire a "no nonsense" task-master, fraught with barely subdued menace, to sit on a folding chair in the corner, beneath a single, bare 40w bulb, just to make sure you keep on the straight and narrow and don't start wimpering like some kind of sissy. Somebody with an authoritative demeanor; cop hat, dark glasses, waxed moustache, leather pants, bull whip.

2. The Godly audio loop sounds like a dandy idea. Can you imagine the rich baritone of Kevin Sorbo alternating with the thin, reedy tenor of Kirk Cameron, as they cheerfully read through the chapters of Leviticus, slowly but surely deflating your satanic priapism while driving hordes of demons from your rectum. An ambient track of the screaming and moaning of damned souls playing in the background might add some appropriate atmosphere, too.

3. Place alligator clamps on your nipples, testes and foreskin* whilst you meditate on Christ's sacrifice, so you can experience, if only fractionally, some of the pain the Savior has suffered on your behalf. Perspective, my friend.

4. If none of these stop-gap measures work out for you, you need to turn yourself in to a senior Pastor a.s.a.p., so that a Godly stoning can be scheduled.

* if applicable

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Re: Soliciting Advice for Upgrades to my Personal Dehomerization Chamber

Ah, but you see, glow in the dark paint assures that, even in the event of a complete power outage, the wondrous verses of the Lord will shine radiant in the midst of darkness.

True, but make sure you also know the verses by heart.