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Friends, I'm here to let you know that Operation Condoms for Christ has been a soaring success! I believe we have saved thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of men from the cesspit of sodomy. It is days like this that make being a Christian the best thing in the world. If you're not familiar with the operation, please read on.
Is this God's plan for homosexuals?
Is this God's plan for homosexuals?
In February, posing as representatives from the imaginary Overland Unitarian Fellowship, Landover Baptist members contacted "gay" sex organizations across the country, including the Gay Men's Health Crisis in New York City, the Gay City Health Project in Seattle, and the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center, as well as other clinics in heavily "gay" areas. All in all, we reached out to 92 of these groups.
We explained to them that as an inclusive, charity-focused fellowship, we cared deeply about the health and wellbeing of LGBT people, and we wanted to do something to help. We offered to donate 5,000 condoms to each organization, asking for nothing in return except their thanks and a smile. I am thrilled to say that of the 92 groups we contacted, 74 agreed to accept our donation! It had to be a no-brainer for most, with funds drying up in Obama's economy. (The utterly convincing fake website we set up couldn't have hurt, either.)
They fell for it! A big thanks to our JesOS™ web team.
Next, Landover ordered nearly 400,000 Lifestyles condoms, presumably (and hopefully) the largest purchase of its kind ever made in Freehold. Church volunteers unwrapped the death socks and used sewing needles to poke holes near the tips, then re-sealed them inside lookalike packages and boxed them up. They looked as good as new. To those who volunteered, please know that we—and Christ—are endlessly grateful! Thank you!
Today, our shipments went out. Each and every one of the condoms we purchased will end up in homosexual hands.
Why did we do it? To send a message. Any time a man has "safe sex" with another man, he walks a thin latex tightrope between life and death, so it's not surprising that many have come to see the condom as a literal savior and now worship it. They believe these devices can protect them from the consequences of their sin. Just imagine what will happen, then, when a queer unwraps his Rubber Jesus and sees that it's full of holes! At that moment, he will know that no false idol can ever save his life—only God can. In the shock of his realization, all thoughts of buggery will vanish from his heads. He may renounce it on the spot; certainly the seed will be planted. What a powerful metaphor.
A death utensil, retrofitted with a message of life. Notice the
holes within the circled area.
I have no doubt that sodomites are turning to Jesus at this very moment because of what we've done, while many more are taking trembling first steps on the path to Salvation. Shout Glory!
Note: We considered enclosing Bible quotes in the wrappers or even printing them on the latex, but decided against it. Making our message too heavy-handed might turn people off. We also drew up plans for a similar operation involving Planned Parenthood clinics in minority areas, as these places are rife with sexual sin, but we decided against that, too. Because of their low IQs, nonwhites might miss the message altogether and actually use the condoms. The last thing we want is more of them breeding.
Sex is only safe within normal Christian marriage. Condoms won't save your life, Jesus will!
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