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  • #1

    Hello!

    Hello, my brothers and sisters in Christ! I am so excited to be joining this online congregation! My name is Laura Malcolm; I was recently married to a lovely man named Dr. Ian Malcolm (he is a Joo, but I hope to change his heathen ways with my meekness and feminine charm-- and don't worry, I do have his permission to post here ) along with my sister and sister wife, Alice Malcolm.

    My family and I attend the Church of the Blessed Chosen in Phoenix, Arizona (not the heathen city, a small community in the desert). We are so blessed to worship the Lord in a small and tight-knit community that follows original plan for marriage! My favorite Bible verse is the one which appears in my signature: Ephesians 5:22.
    Devoted first wife of Dr. Ian Malcolm, loving sister wife of Alice Malcolm.
    Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
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  • #2
    Re: Hello!

    A Jewish Mormon. I've never heard of that before.

    So, you must stock up on magic underwear during "buy one, get one free" sales.
    Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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    • #3
      Re: Hello!

      Oh, no, rest assured, we are not Mormons, and our husband is only ethnically Jewish. We still fear that he may not be a true True Christian because of this, and every day my sister wife and I work to persuade him to renounce his Judaism and join the Lord in the proper way. It is an ongoing battle for sure.
      Devoted first wife of Dr. Ian Malcolm, loving sister wife of Alice Malcolm.
      Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (Ephesians 5:22-24)

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      • #4
        Re: Hello!

        Originally posted by Laura Malcolm View Post
        Oh, no, rest assured, we are not Mormons, and our husband is only ethnically Jewish. We still fear that he may not be a true True Christian because of this, and every day my sister wife and I work to persuade him to renounce his Judaism and join the Lord in the proper way. It is an ongoing battle for sure.
        Thank Jesus you were led to our humble church! Your very Salvation is in Mortal Danger! You see, whoever has been instructing you in the faith is a liar and a fool (and I suspect more than a little bit retarded). You see, your husband will never be a True Christian™ until he takes care of some very important things first, and renouncing his ethnicity (how does that even work?) isn't one of them.

        I hope your husband doesn't find Alice attractive. Even if he hasn't divorced, left, or "put you away: (Matthew 19:9), he shouldn't have any googly eyes for her (Matthew 5:27-5:28). Whoever he married first is his actual wife, the other, forgive me for being blunt, is naught but a live-in prostitute. Besides, do you really want God watching and judging your bedroom skills (Hebrews 13:4)?

        But it's not too late! You can save your husband, your purely platonic lady roommate I'm sure, and yourself! You simply need to read the Holy Bible to each other. We know that faith comes by hearing the Word (Romans 10:17), and so I would encourage you to read it loudly, and with gusto! You might find Brother Bob4God's article, How Do I get Saved? A Guide for the Lost! to be a helpful next step!
        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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