Krusty Wants To Pray

[Krustifool]

I am an uneducated, whack pile of newbie crap, who has a rabid lust for unwarranted gratification. Sometimes I hope to find said gratification by heaving psychobabble at people who know about as much about what they're saying as I do. I suppose I was tossing my idiocy upwards, to see if anyone cared enough to catch it on its way down. My prayers have been answered, despite my lack of contribution to the Church's pockets, which should have rendered me absolutely unworthy of any sort of response.

You may not relate, because God has blessed you with the knowledge of some 40,000+ self-absorbed drunkards who lack the money it takes to be granted salvation, but I am still appreciative of your assuring my unworthiness to live and speak, by changing my name to something more fitting.

I apologize for the boggle of a thesis on nothing; I hope you didn't lose any sleep over the wordy lack of valid argument, or valid English, for that matter, that I posted on your beloved cyber-church. Let me be slapped by the gigantic figurative wang of all that is right, knowledgeable, and Godly.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Welcome to God's favorite forum, Krusty. Tell us about yourself. How did you find Jesus?

[Wide-Open]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Welcome Krusti. A rather unusual name, but I did notice you at least know how to capitalize "God" and "Godly", which puts you above 95% of the unsaved trash we tend to see here.

Baby Jesus brought you here for a reason friend. Can you hear His sweet voice?

[Krustifool]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Well, Pastor, I must admit [with cheeks red as a result of part embarrassment, part divine cacksmacking] that I, sadly, have yet to find him. When I checked Myspace and Google in hopes of finding his location, all I found was a thread on Yahoo Answers, started by some dirty pig who thought this forum a sick thing. "Crosses the line," I believe she said, or something to that effect. I think she mistook the infinite glory represented on this site for a disgusting thing, because the slut turned what God gave her as a "glory hole" into an abomination, a "slop hole" that would make even the strongest stomach spray its contents back out the way they came. Still, driven by curiosity, I clicked the link, and found what I thought might be the answer to my question.

Tell me, please. If Jesus does not yet dwell in my heart, then where shall I find him? I own a copy of the KJV, but I haven't opened it in some eight-ish years, since my binge of intoxicating substances and sodomy began, at age twelve. I'm terribly lost, and terribly sore, not to mention a little dopesick. I hope that you'll help me find Him, so that I can once again walk without bowing my legs, or bleeding all over the place. I have no idea where to start.

[SUV]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Why, it's Herschel Krustovsky! I didn't recognize you without your avatar!



You're not a God-less joo any more, are you Hon?

[Krustifool]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

I apologize for all the "him"s and "his"s I left that should have been "Him"s and "His"s. I must remind you, I am fairly new to this.

[SUV]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

I apologize for all the "him"s and "his"s I left that should have been "Him"s and "His"s

GrammaR Sue salutes you and Forgives you (until JESUS can do the same for you).

[Krustifool]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Infinite thanks, your saved-ness. I'll do my best to respect His Capitals from now on, in hopes of gaining forgiveness, one day, by Jesus, for ALL of my life's misspellings and spats of grammar abuse. Would you think that possible, down the road? After I find a debit card and create a PayPal account?

[SUV]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Infinite thanks, your saved-ness. I'll do my best to respect His Capitals from now on, in hopes of gaining forgiveness, one day, by Jesus, for ALL of my life's misspellings and spats of grammar abuse. Would you think that possible, down the road? After I find a debit card and create a PayPal account?

I am gratified by your current response. It'll do quite nicely towards Assuring $alvation.

If I were writing your paragraph, I would have Shouted Out His Name! as "JESUS". Colorizing the letters in CHRISTMAS is always nice. But that's just a matter of Taste and not strict Christian grammatic principle.

PS Your attention to "PayPal" is most admirable

Oh, just one more thing: a Special Tip. Newcomers who remark upon Pastor Ezekiel's "ewe-fully pretty eyes" often find themselves on the Fast Track to $alvation® sooner than do others who merely "suck up" in the more common of ways

[Krustifool]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

I've taken both mental note, and written, of your advice. Thanks again, and I hope to serve this church well. I suppose it makes sense that compliments couldn't hurt, and I'm delighted to hear that we're allowed to keep them focused on people's numeric value on God's List, the one that shows people, in order of importance in His Eyes and Wallet (the list is for sweet looks, of course, He'd never forget anything), and facial features. At my old church, we were to send compliments to the priest regarding only his one brown eye, which was located nowhere near his face. This struck me as odd, since usually the man at the altar has the authority, and it is his job is to inspect others' orifices [according to the newspapers], rather than to gain their approval regarding his. Now I know the fact is that they had it all wrong, because all other churches are stupid, but this forum is the Sole Route To Real Salvation.

I am tickled to the bones with newfound hope. I can't wait to fix my ways, as soon as Valley Empire Collections stops garnishing my wages.

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Welcome to our forum Krusty. I am trying to decide by your grammar/syntax and word choice whether you are a Godless Brit or an abo.

Either way we have a strict limit on how many either of these hellbound demographics we allow here.

[SUV]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

His Eyes and Wallet

Very nice touch, Brother - Very nice indeed!

I Hope™ that you meet one of our newer Brothers, Don Bozo de Guapo, soon. You somehow remind me of him and perhaps you can Team-up and assist each other on The Road to Salvation

[Nobar King]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Welcome to our forum Krusty. I am trying to decide by your grammar/syntax and word choice whether you are a Godless Brit or an abo.

I must disagree, brother Sayved. Krusty appears to have a strong foundation in grammar and punctuation, something exceedingly rare in the UK or its ex-penal colony.

I suspect that our new guest is a graduate of the Canuckistani school system. They try to appear Americanized, and writing is one good way to fit in.

[Krustifool]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

Well, if you were to take a look toward the beginning of this thread, you might find my first post, where I explain myself as best I can without describing what my insides look like: which kidney was not placed where one normally would be, that I ruptured my spleen six years ago (and took immense amounts of morphine for it ), and that I am allergic to cats, latex, and verbal rape.

I believe I went on in my next post to explain my lost [but ever-searching] pickle of a situation, and my failure as of yet to find your Lord, who I'd like to one day claim as my own as well. My Godlessness is no joke in my opinion, and I'm trying my damnedest to remedy it. I'm here in search of what it is that you already have, to remove Satan's sand from my eyes, and if you were to stop rubbing it in yesterday it wouldn't be soon enough. I want to experience this Greatness that has been described over and over to me, and I'd like to do it with as little human obstruction in my path as possible. I was under the impression that my parade was headed in the right direction, and I hope that soon you can find it in yourself to stop raining on it.

[Nobar King]

Re: Krusty Wants To Pray

All you need to do is accept Jesus into your heart (and get Baptized).