I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

[Jebediah Damnerhaus.]

Hello fellow followers of the doctrine, readers of the good book, those that bask in the glory of the Father, and will not be tanned by the harsh bands of hell fire provided by the fallen one!

I am Jebediah Damnerhause, Pastor of the Church of Dex, I am a salvation salesman, and I have come here to spread the gospels, and rebuke the evil, vomitous ways of the homersexuals with a COLD STARE and hardened conviction.

I am hoping to fit in here, among my brothers and sisters of the cloth, and followers of the true golden word.

So here I am, introducing myself to you all, and offering a firm hand shake.
Which shall be met with another firm handshake, for a firm handshake indicates a tight anal region, strong family-bonds, and the fear of the almighty maker, who shall save us from the brimstone shores of the horned red dirty dancer.

I am here in good heart brothers, awaiting your pleasantries.

May God be with you all, and may be damn the damned, curse the cursed, and Unhomerfy the homersexuals.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Hello fellow followers of the doctrine, readers of the good book, those that bask in the glory of the Father, and will not be tanned by the harsh bands of hell fire provided by the fallen one!

I am Jebediah Damnerhause, Pastor of the Church of Dex, I am a salvation salesman, and I have come here to spread the gospels, and rebuke the evil, vomitous ways of the homersexuals with a COLD STARE and hardened conviction.

I am hoping to fit in here, among my brothers and sisters of the cloth, and followers of the true golden word.

So here I am, introducing myself to you all, and offering a firm hand shake.
Which shall be met with another firm handshake, for a firm handshake indicates a tight anal region, strong family-bonds, and the fear of the almighty maker, who shall save us from the brimstone shores of the horned red dirty dancer.

I am here in good heart brothers, awaiting your pleasantries.

May God be with you all, and may be damn the damned, curse the cursed, and Unhomerfy the homersexuals.

Good morning, Mister Damermouse. We welcome you to Landover Baptist where the Worthwhile™ worship. As you surely know, we are the largest assemblty of TRUE CHRISTIANS™ in the world and our close bond with JESUS allows us to guarantee Salvation®...which we have been doing since 1620 with ZERO complaints. We invite you to fellowship with us as a brother in Christ.

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Welcome to our Godly Forum™ sir.

[Nobar King]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

You seem to really dislike homers. What do you hate most about them? (feel free to make a list).

[Jebediah Damnerhaus.]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Thank you Pastor. Pistle.

I am truly honored to be met by another firm handshaking man of strong convictions, with a warm, yet judging stare, and conservative haircut.
This is the only place I feel safe in on this never-ending band of disgust that is the internet!

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Thank you Pastor. Pistle.

I am truly honored to be met by another firm handshaking man of strong convictions, with a warm, yet judging stare, and conservative haircut.
This is the only place I feel safe in on this never-ending band of disgust that is the internet!

Thank you Mr. Dahmerhous. You are clearly a man of quality and discernment, unlike 'Spike the Juggalo' who was just here and the hundreds of goths which swarm at us from all directions asking for ways to hurt themselves. How refreshing to see a like-minded individual who understands the Power and Glory of God, and no one knows GOD like Landover! Please tell us a little bit about yourself. Does your wife bake pies? Have you ever had any retarded children? Have you started a tithing program yet?

[Jebediah Damnerhaus.]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

There are not enough hours in the day to make a complete list of what I dislike about the Homers, Brother King.

But I will try, with the maker as my guiding light, to make a shortened, yet equally as damning list of what I really dislike about the sauntering sodomizers :

1. Their inefficiency with power tools, gardening tools, and heavy machinery.

You ever seen a homer trying to rake leaves ? No! Neither have I, because they are too busy using the rake-part of the damn rake scratching each others backs, and Lord knows what other parts.
They also have found countless ways to disgrace and buggerfy something as innocent as a Phillips head screw driver, I have seen it first hand brothers!

2. Their malicious and un-Christian way of coloring their hair, and wearing ill-fitting
clothing in an attempt to convince others that their way is the only way.

Let me be clear here, brothers, God DID NOT INVENT CLAIROL!
God did not Invent Hot Topic, these are institutions created by the Horned, Red Dirty Dancer in an attempt to cloth and decorate his filthy followers!

Good lord, maker of water and sunlight, i can not continue, I can feel my heart palpitating, jumping around like a homersexual submerged in holy water, I can not continue this list, just the mere thought of their buggery and debauchering gets my blood boiling!

Allow me some moments to calm myself, brothers, I need to read the book of Revelations.

[Jethro]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Welcome Brother Jebediah,

It is good to see another Brother in Christ who understands the value of a firm handshake and a tight anus.

What efforts have you put forth to ensure that our country finally becomes one whose government and laws adhere to Gods Law ?

[SUV]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

the horned red dirty dancer.

So, Brother! Am I led to Believe that you are also anti-Patrick-Swayze, come here to participate in his Death watch?

I saw a headline on CNN recently, something about him Living for maybe 5 more years. Disgusting

[Bob4God]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

Welcome Brother in Christ Jebediah! Obviously you were raised by good conservative Christian parents!

The LORD has surely brought you here to fellowship with us GODly True Christians, and to prepare for the final days.

Tell me, do you do a lot of door-to-door evangelism? I was raised on good old knock-and-witness ethics!

Praise GOD!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

So, Brother! Am I led to Believe that you are also anti-Patrick-Swayze, come here to participate in his Death watch?

I saw a headline on CNN recently, something about him Living for maybe 5 more years. Disgusting

Sister Sue! Didn't you hear the news?

He checked himself into the hospital on Friday because he is suffering from the pnuemonia. I think it's an AIDS related complication.

Oh, and Welcome to GOD'S Favorite Church Brother Jeb!



<--- My cold stare back at you.

[Jebediah Damnerhaus.]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

I feel the need to make myself more accessible to my new brothers and sisters.
Allow me a few moments to formerly introduce myself, some of my beliefs, and a little background light into my person :

I am a happily married man of thirty years to a cold eyed, broad shouldered silent woman, who enjoys baking pies, burning books, and picketing Dan Brown autograph sessions.

Together we have formed the Church of Dex ( Determined Enraged Xtians. )
We have seventeen wonderful children, None of them with any defects whatsoever ( One of the many wonderful blessings of being a devout follower of the holy light maker. )

We refuse to honor or accept Barack HUSSEIN Obamas presidency, we do not acknowledge his status as President Elect, and refuse to recognize him as our speaker or representative.

I converted my small sized SUV into the " Maverick Mobile " Pictures to come later, I asked the graphic designer of our church to plaster the faces of Maverick Mccain, and Pure Hearted Palin on our vehicle, to show solidarity, and support of the true American Heros we voted for.


Our eldest, Willa-Dean, is a proud mother of eight children, she doesnt work, for she was raised to KNOW that women folk do not believe in the work force, her husband, henry, is a devout follower of the Light Maker, he works as a mason, and has been trained BY ME PERSONALLY to be a damner, He adopted our last name, and has passed my stern-husband course with flying colors.

I have attended political functions all of my life, I remember going to Reagan support parties, and screaming at the top of my lungs in support for the Gipper, I shook hands with Both H.W. AND W. and I cried like a born again every single time.

We have one son, Geoffrey-Zed, who moved to San Francisco , He hardly calls us, I feel he is too busy out there spreading the Damnerhaus doctrines, and converting the homers.

Last we spoke, he had bought a home with his co worker Salvador, he said they are both wildly passionate about debauchery, and live together so they have dual defense against the rising tide of buggery in that city.

Thats all I can type for now, my brothers, I will return with more after my lunch.

In the name of the Holy Light Maker, Amen.

[Nobar King]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

It's good to point out the importance of a good handshake.

Also, do you have any twins?

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

I have attended political functions all of my life, I remember going to Reagan support parties, and screaming at the top of my lungs in support for the Gipper, I shook hands with Both H.W. AND W. and I cried like a born again every single time.

Mr. Dannerkraut, you strike me as an excellent example of what is good in the world. I believe you will be happy here at Landover. But many are called and few are chosen so my advice is to have faith in GOD and cut the odds in your favor wherever possible.

[Bob4God]

Re: I offer a firm handshake, a cold stare.

We have one son, Geoffrey-Zed, who moved to San Francisco , He hardly calls us, I feel he is too busy out there spreading the Damnerhaus doctrines, and converting the homers.

If there is any place in need of a stern witness, it is San Fransissyco. You might want to have a look at our catalog of useful items for True Christian Witnesses here at FREEHOLD FIREARMS on the corner of Exodus and 7th. We stock everything a True Christian will ever need!

After your son finishes his tour of duty out west for the LORD, I am sure he will return home, find a good Christian woman and father an elite army of little soldiers for GOD! PRAISE!