Hands Across the Water

[Dr Malachi Samuel Fu]

Good morning and please allow me to introduce myself,

My name is Dr Malachi Samuel Funk and I can tell you now that it's all true, God hates England.
For some reason my name does not fit on the sign in register, i can only assume that my keyboard is afflicted.
I have lived in this Sceptered Isle all my life and the more I see the more I realise just how very bad bad things are getting. We are governed by a fool and almost at war with an army that outnumber the good, God fearing folk that will be saved in the coming revolution. yes, I'm talking about Chavs.
Now it is only through my truthful knowledge things are meant to test us and this is all His will that has prevented me from dispencing the Big Mans Ultimate and divine justice.
But I digress.
I have made it my mission to cleanse this country of it's ills, a mission i persue with a daily passion and for the past 15 years I have been fighting against sleaze and alcohol. Ths has meant I have had to research my enemy in fine detail and surround myself in woman, booze and other unholy things. It has been a long struggle I can tell you, but I think that with another 30, maybe forty years of research I shall have the information I need to bring this disgusting behaviour to it's knees.
I live with my girl friend of some six years and let me tell you, she is nearly of the marrying kind.
But I here your disgust, I here you saying "Living with awoman for six years? Is he a heathen?" Well I say no. I will marry her when she finally accepts Jesus into her heart and although the road is long and arduous she will one day reach that place. Until then I will continue my one man mission to rid her of the Demons that have haunted her so. These demons currently reside in her right knee (an affliction from a car accident) and her left breast. I have discovered that prolonged massage helps to quell this particular agent of satan.
Well, let me not keep you from your goodly mission to help those less fortunate. I have work to do, but first let me leave you with these thoughts:
*The Wii is indeed unGodly. It is made by the Japenese. they worship false idols and will no doubt have infected the party device with demons.
*Despite what people may think the VW Beetle is Ungodly. The cars are driven by tree hugging Hippies. It is FACT that these people spend all day smoking weed and calling on the agents of satan to do their bidding.
*There is nothing in this wondering world of ours that cannot, I repeat cannot be remidied with the Holy Bible and a Stick of Ultimnate Justice (tm). I was shown how to build this stick of retribution in vision after some 8 pints of beer. i will happily share my secrects for the sum of £99.99 including VAT.
And finally *My name is earl is the work of Satan. I find it uplifting that that the man is trying to help others but this talk of Karma is just plain wrong. i have therefore petitioned the network to rename it "Earls mission of devine redemption." The format will be basically the same only Earl will now be a preacher and will be able to call upon lightning and other fun things to smite the wicked. The show closes with a 3hr sermon on the evils of fun.
I have also pointed out that the young lady Joy has demons afflicting most of her body and I would happily give away my time to help her rid herself of them.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Hands Across the Water

Kindly permit me to welcome you to LBC.

I appreciate the spirit of your scholarly pursuits, but your submission shows ample evidence that it was done under the influence of a different kind of spirit of which you make numerous references to. In its present form (lacking coherent organization, structure, formatting, and along with numerous spelling errors) it is not acceptable for peer review.

We are of keen interest to the female demonology that you appear to have some extensive experience with. However, once again there is some evidence to suggest that your observations lack credibility and authenticity.

It is my sincere hope that you have come here to pursue the path to True Christian.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Hands Across the Water

Welcome, Dr. Fu. While there was much that was wrong in your post, you were right about "My Name Is Earl". One of my Godly duties as handed to me by the pastors is to help do the work of Families Against Television Sin. That means I have to be subjected to televised sin on a regular basis, but it's important work so we can help force it off of God's air. I watch assigned shows and take note of all the sin, filthy, and blasphemy so we can pass it on to the FCC and to the advertisers who we ask if they want to be associated with such unholy trash.
Anyway, yes, "My Name Is Earl" keeps my writing hand working hard because of all the garbage it extols, including "karma". If they wanted to make it family and True Christian (tm) friendly, Earl would be falling to his knees every week begging Jesus to forgive him for his past transgressions! Instead we get a religious abomination thinly disguised as "comedy", and it makes me weep.

[OnYourKnees]

Re: Hands Across the Water

My name is Dr Malachi Samuel Funk and I can tell you now that it's all true, God hates England.

Yes, we agree wholeheartedly with that statement!

I have made it my mission to cleanse this country of its ills, a mission i persue with a daily passion . . . I have had to research my enemy in fine detail and surround myself in women, booze and other unholy things. It has been a long struggle I can tell you, but I think that with another 30, maybe forty years of research I shall have the information I need to bring this disgusting behaviour to its knees.

PRAISE JESUS! It is rare indeed to see such long-term commitment to understanding the Mind of the Bible-Hating Sinner!

I live with my girl friend of some six years and let me tell you, she is nearly of the marrying kind.
But I here your disgust, I here you saying "Living with awoman for six years? Is he a heathen?" Well I say no. I will marry her when she finally accepts Jesus into her heart and although the road is long and arduous she will one day reach that place. Until then I will continue my one man mission to rid her of the Demons that have haunted her so. These demons currently reside in her right knee (an affliction from a car accident) and her left breast. I have discovered that prolonged massage helps to quell this particular agent of satan.

No, sir. No disgust here. We assume, of course, that you sleep in separate beds and are encouraging this woman to come to Jesus before you remove her chastity belt.

I hope you mean the pains are agents of Satan, not your woman friend.

*There is nothing in this wondering world of ours that cannot, I repeat cannot be remidied with the Holy Bible and a Stick of Ultimnate Justice (tm). I was shown how to build this stick of retribution in vision after some 8 pints of beer. i will happily share my secrects for the sum of £99.99 including VAT.

Sir, this is a Church website. We would expect you to share your visions with us for the greater edification of all of Christendom, not ask us to pay you for such information.

<TV Show stuff omitted -- I don't watch the idiot box.>

Welcome to Landover! I hope you can share more exciting revelations about your ministries! (Do you use this Stick of yours on your troubled female friend? Have you filmed such Stick use, for educational purposes?)