Hello

[Nurse Clampett]

I am a God fearing woman. I love Jesus, public stonings (sadly my community must do this in secret), compassionate gay bashing, and grape jam.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Hello

I am a God fearing woman. I love Jesus, public stonings (sadly my community must do this in secret), compassionate gay bashing, and grape jam.

Welcome, Sister.

In an effort to get to know you better, it is often helpful to describe more about your church, how you came to know Jesus, and some of your favorite Biblical passages

In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array.... 1 Timothy 2:9

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Hello

Thank you for the warm welcome!
A little more about me...
I was born in that Godless state of California. However my parents redeemed themselves by casting off their cathylicker backgrounds and becoming born again Christians. My daddy gave away thousands of dollars in tithes to The Church on the Way http://www.tcotw.org/of which we were members . After daddy was called home to the Lord in 1982, my penniless mother went to the church for help. They informed her that they could not help her save our home because all of the churches millions were "tied up." So away she trudged with her brood of four to pound away on a typewriter for minimum wage and raise us in a tiny apartment. Praise!
I now live in the Bible Belt of America. The church I belong to now must remain underground because a few homer, witch women and goth kids bodies were discovered in the river with all LIEBRAL fingers pointing our Godly way! I wish to become a member of Landover Baptist because this is where True Christianity is trademarked.

And Mistress Cookie, my favorite Bible passage would have to be Exodus 22:18 Suffer a witch not to live. Why, everytime I see a wanton woman or a little goth slut I wish Baby Jesus would zap their vile bodies to the Lake of Fire ASAP!

[Nobar King]

Re: Hello

Where did you go to nursing school?

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Hello

Most surely you are footsore and world weary from your long trudge on the path to Landover™.

Rest yee awhile.

I am sure a Pastor will be with you shortly, and the inquisition can begin.

[Nobar King]

Re: Hello

Is 'sample' a synonym for 'Christian'?

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Hello

My daddy gave away thousands of dollars in tithes to The Church on the Way http://www.tcotw.org/of which we were members.

Dear God in Heaven! You were lucky to get out ALIVE!


ARTICLES:

hxxp://www.christianeducational.org/monthlyletters/misc/xwayltr.html

hxxp://www.religioustolerance.org/the_way.htm

hxxp://www.rapidnet.com/~jbeard/bdm/Cults/way.htm

hxxp://forum.rickross.com/read.php?14,11953


BOOKS:

The Cult That Snapped: A Journey Into The Way International (Karl Kahler, 1999) hxxp://www.ex-way.com/

Encyclopedia of Cults and New Religions (John Ankerberg, John Weldon, 1999) hxxp://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0736900748/ref=nosim/christianministr

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Hello

Is 'sample' a synonym for 'Christian'?

Oh dear! I see you are referring to what's posted in the corner of that photo of our Blessed Lord Jesus!

Another True Christian(tm) forwarded that to me after we did some telephonic Bible study. (Yes, it was a conference call, with a male elder leading us.)

Maybe they accidentally "lifted" that image from an art site? I hope I have not lead us into copyright infringement!

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Hello

Oh dear Mistress Cookie my parents went to Church on the Way of Van Nuys California. The very church headed by Pastor Jack Hayford.
Of course many skanky Hollywood types walked in without a Godly bolt of lightining striking them down. (It makes me wonder what kind of spiritual protection they could of had to allow Ginger Rogers walk to and fro unscathed.)

Where did you go to nursing school?

Sadly my formal training was cut short after I refused to administer drugs to an alleged Epileptic patient. His seizures were obviously caused by a homo demon. ( I think it crawled in from the holes in the back of his boxers.) I was unfairly thrown out when they saw me holding his tongue down with a cross while trying to cast out the demon.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

Welcome to God's favorite forum. Please tell us about yourself. How old are you? What does your Godly Husband do? What's his favorite pie?

You say you live in the "Bible Belt" but don't attend church? Aren't there any Independant Baptist churches down there? It's a dangerous thing for a woman to run around churchless.

What are your favorite verses?

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Hello

You say you live in the "Bible Belt" but don't attend church? Aren't there any Independant Baptist churches down there? It's a dangerous thing for a woman to run around churchless.

Good Pastor I do attend a church that must sadly take place in the basement of an undisclosed location. Too many inquiries from local law enforcement regarding our Godly belief in stoning enemies of Baby Jesus forced us underground.
I am 34 and married to a good Baptist man. He is a construction worker. His boss gave him a two-by-four to beat me with as a wedding present. I am grateful to live in a community where the men folk look after us lowly rib folk.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

A two-by-four!!?? What kind of animal are you married to? The Holy Bible doesn't tell us to brutalize women, just to subjugate them.

1 Peter 3:1
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands.

A simple paddle or switch is more humane. Tell your husband to take a look at THIS Godly website.

I would also point out that the Bible tells us to obey secular law. If you are a Christian, you'd know that. Quote the scripture that commands us to follow local laws, and I'll believe that you are who you claim to be.

[Nurse Clampett]

Re: Hello

I would also point out that the Bible tells us to obey secular law. If you are a Christian, you'd know that. Quote the scripture that commands us to follow local laws, and I'll believe that you are who you claim to be.

I hope these refrences to secular law convince you.

1 Peter 2:13-15
Submit yourselves for the Lord's sake to every authority instituted among men: whether to the king, as the supreme authority, or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.

And here is Paul...

Romans 13:1-5
Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgement on themselves. For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience.

However, I am confused. The Bible clearly states that we must stone certain offenders as with worshippers of strange gods and those who commit adultery. Secular law contradicts Biblical law. To stone or not to stone? That is the question. Your input would be most appreciated on this matter Pastor, as I want to be right with God.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Hello

However, I am confused. The Bible clearly states that we must stone certain offenders as with worshippers of strange gods and those who commit adultery. Secular law contradicts Biblical law. To stone or not to stone? That is the question. Your input would be most appreciated on this matter Pastor, as I want to be right with God.

If I may say, Sister, we women are but mere vessels, and we crack easily. Weighing these matters can be a burdensome task.

I do not mean to slow your Spiritual Quest...but personally, when in doubt, I find it best to simply do what the Pastors and Male Elders do.

I hope that helps.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Hello

However, I am confused. The Bible clearly states that we must stone certain offenders as with worshippers of strange gods and those who commit adultery. Secular law contradicts Biblical law. To stone or not to stone? That is the question. Your input would be most appreciated on this matter Pastor, as I want to be right with God.

Being a female, of course you are confused. Leave the thinking to your Husband and your Pastor, as the Bible commands.

We at Landover Baptist Church have been working lo these many years to get the U.S. Constitution tossed out for the secular garbage that it is, and establish the Holy KJV Bible as the law of the land. Until that glorious day, we are bound to obey the local laws.

Which are very.....Christian....here in Freehold.

Since you're a new member, I'd recommend that you read THIS thread about our teachings and THIS page about our church.