greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

[Smiter of Evildoers]

Hello,

I was thrilled to find this Holy Haven - it is truly an oasis in the desert of satanic hogwash that seems to be strewn willy nilly all over the Interweb.

My name is Cotton Mather XII, but I prefer to go by Smiter of Evildoers. I enjoy long walks on the beach (while singing hymns, of course), Praising the LORD, and memorizing the BIBLE, among many other GODLY activities. I need to improve my dilligence in BIBLE memorization, however, as I can only recite the following books from memory so far: Leviticus, 2 Chronicles, Nehemiah, and half of St. Paul's letters to the Ephesians. I shall strive to improve in this area.

Thank you again for providing this sanctuary of TRUTH, PRUDENCE, and GODLINESS!

Praise HIS Name!

~Smiter of Evildoers~

[Youth Pastor Marty]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Welcome to God's favorite forum Smiter. Tell us, in what ways does He work through you against those who hate Him?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Welcome Miss Cotton. Give us your particulars, please. How old are you? What is your best pie? How many soldiers for Christ have you produced? What church does your Husband take you to?

Please share with us.

[Smiter of Evildoers]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Hello Pastors Marty and Ezekiel,

First of all, "Cotton" is very manly name and as such I use "Mr.", not "Miss," and I don't have a husband. I hope you not trying to imply that I may be living some sort of "homosexual" lifestyle, Pastor Ezekiel! I gnash my teeth at the mere thought of that! Cotton was the name of my father and his father before him, and his father before him, and so on unto the 12th generation, my great x 12 grandfather who dedicated his life to smiting witchcraft and spreading GOD's Holy Word.

I am 27 years old and my favorite pie is apple, because it is the most patriotic (except, of course, apple pies that include "organic" apples, which are a little gay).

I have not yet produced any soldiers of CHRIST because as an unmarried fellow, I am, obviously, not a fornicator. I hope to have at least 12 children someday--whom I will name after the LORD'S Disciples--once I find a nice, Christian woman who knows her place in the hierarchy of things and can bake excellent apple pies with Godly, normal apples, not the gay organic ones.

I look forward to getting to know you (by which I only mean making your acquaintance, of course, not engaging in any sinful acts).

Smiter

[Bob4God]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Welcome Brother, to the actual internet forums of CHRIST!

We welcome you with open arms if you are indeed a heterosexual, fundamentalist conservative Baptist Republican tither!

[SayvedByTheLord]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Welcome to our Godly Forum™ Brother Evildoer. What sort of bestiality have you engaged in ?

[Smiter of Evildoers]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

Greetings Sayved,
I just looked up bestiality on the online to see what this term might refer to and I was horrified at the images that suddenly flashed before my eyes! I did not know that these unGODly sinful acts were possible!

I must go pray right away and cleanse my soul!

[Nobar King]

Re: greetings, GODLY brothers and sisters

I am 27 years old and my favorite pie is apple, because it is the most patriotic (except, of course, apple pies that include "organic" apples, which are a little gay).

The apple is the fruit from the tree of knowledge, so you're insulting apples by calling them gay. You shouldn't have a problem with apples, you should have a problem with the eco-NAZIs who push their organic agenda on law-abiding farmers and other food producers.