New convert here

[streetlight88]

Well, this is my first post, so I am now losing my forum virginity (I'm not married, so I hope God won't mind)...

Anyway, this is somewhat embarrassing for me, but I might as well say it... I used to be...

... an atheist.

*Sigh* Yes, it's true. I used to believe in things like science, reason, Richard Dawkins, EVILution... yenno, the whole works. But one day when I performed my daily Google search for "kiddie porn" (as all faithful atheist do), I found THIS picture on the internets instead:



I then realized that Jebus the Flying Spaghetti Monster George Bush Raptor Jesus Daffy Duck Chuck Norris Jesus (sorry, it took me a few times to get that right) is the one true God and that I've been living a lie my entire life. I immediately converted to Christianity and then the nice people at Wal-Mart helped me find a $10 copy of the NIV Bible.

Anyway, as a new X-ian, I'm looking to join a church so that I can be indoctrinated brainwashed filled with the Holy Spirit (again, my apologies, sometimes I type words that I don't mean to and I can't find the "DELETE" key on my computer). Does Landover Baptist Church have free donuts? Because if it does, then I'm here to stay.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New convert here

Listen up Mr. comedian, this is God's favorite church, and we don't hand out pastries of any kind to unsaved atheistic monkey-worshipers like you.

I don't blame you for being embarrassed to admit such a thing. At least you have some sense of decency. Please tell us why you hate Jesus.

[streetlight88]

Re: New convert here

Forgive me if I came across as too sarcastic. Perhaps I was a bit too brutally honest about my admission to my past. And I haven't been to many churches before, I had just thought they all had free donuts... again, my apologies.

Even as a former atheist, I actually thought Jesus was a pretty cool guy. I mean, Son of God or not, you have to admit that walking across water and pwning death is awesome. But I also thought he gave some pretty cool teachings. For instance:

39But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
- Matthew 5:39 (KJV)


Should we could all take heed of this advice, we could make the world a much more peaceful place to live.


Anyway, as I am a new X-ian (my shorthand abreviation for Christian), I am likely to make many mistakes along my way to reflecting His Glory more and more each day, but I hope that any sins against my brothers and sisters will be forgiven by both God and my peers. As I read more of the Word, I hope to gain understanding so that I don't become a lost sheep among the flock.

[Nobar King]

Re: New convert here

Anyway, as I am a new X-ian.

Jesus doesn't appreciate you taking short cuts with Christianity.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: New convert here

Have you ever studied the Holy Bible? I've heard it said that atheist scum know the Bible better than many Christians, simply because they are so obsessed with proving that God is wrong. Of course without the Holy Ghost to guide you, there is no possibility of understanding what you read. You lack the power of discernment.

I'd like to suggest that you begin by reading THIS thread, designed especially for newbies. Ask if you have questions.

By the way, what should we call you? Surely you have a name? Streetlight is a ridiculous handle.

[ChristianInNC]

Re: New convert here

Did you really used to worship Chuck Norris, Daffy Duck...and what?...a RAPTOR version of Jesus?

It's my guess you're on the fast track to a permenant vacation at someplace VERY warm. Have a great time, don't bother sending a postcard!

[streetlight88]

Re: New convert here

Jesus doesn't appreciate you taking short cuts with Christianity.

Forgive me, for I have sinned yet again in this thread . I will not do that again.

Have you ever studied the Holy Bible? I've heard it said that atheist scum know the Bible better than many Christians, simply because they are so obsessed with proving that God is wrong. Of course without the Holy Ghost to guide you, there is no possibility of understanding what you read. You lack the power of discernment.

Are you suggesting that Christians don't know the Bible as well as atheists? LOL

I think Psalm 14:1 (KJV) says it all: "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good." Checkmate, atheists!

However, that book is so big, I just don't know where to start reading... I've heard Leviticus it good, though (well duh, the entire Bible is good)...

By the way, what should we call you? Surely you have a name? Streetlight is a ridiculous handle.

I have forsaken my old name since it belongs with my old identity. I chose "Streetlight" as my username after reading Matthew 5:14-16 (KJV):

14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.
15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

However, if that name brings shame upon the House of the Lord, then I shall pray to God to find myself a more suitable name.

Did you really used to worship Chuck Norris, Daffy Duck...and what?...a RAPTOR version of Jesus?

Sadly, it's true. But only for a brief amount of time for each. I never knew what Christ had looked like before, so it made the job of identifying Jesus very difficult.

Raptor Jesus was especially tricky. Since I briefly spent time between atheism and Christianity Satan had control of my mind. He was able to convince me that Christ might've had a raptor's head. But I soon discovered that anti-Christ is just used for the I am retarded of the menions of evil. They will not be lol'ing when they are burning in hell...

Daffy Duck... I don't know what I was thinking, but Satan must've really had a hold of me then. As for Chuck Norris... well, Chuck has a beard, and I heard that Christ has a beard. So I was dumb and thought that maybe because Chuck had a beard and that Chuck was a God-fearing Republican that Chuck was indeed Christ. Silly me, I was wrong again!

Needless to say, I was very confused for awhile. But then I prayed to the Lord God to remove Satan from my heart and asked God to show Himself to me so that I might know Him in his true form. My prayer was answered when I found "Jesus" spelled out in my Alphabet soup. I knew that must've surely been a sign from God. Praise Jesus for his revelation to my wretched soul!

[ChristianInNC]

Re: New convert here

I'm starting to suspect you are having your jollies at the Lord's expense.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: New convert here

a $10 copy of the NIV Bible.

You might as well have wiped your backside with that $10 for all the good an NIV "Bible" will do you. Now that you've got that waste of paper, you might as well wipe your backside with that. The ONLY Bible that is the AUTHORIZED WORD OF GOD is the King James 1611. Anything else is a ploy by Satan to corrupt Holy Scripture and lead people away from Jesus.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: New convert here

you have to admit that walking across water and pwning death is awesome.

A tentative welcome to you, and more about your posts later....

But might you tell me, what does pwning mean? It sounds either like "spawning", a word with uncomfortable associations, or the image of a pawn shop?

For my liking, pawn shops too closely resemble the filthy money-lenders' tables Jesus overturned.


John 2:15 And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables;

[ChristianInNC]

Re: New convert here

A tentative welcome to you, and more about your posts later....

But might you tell me, what does pwning mean? It sounds either like "spawning", a word with uncomfortable associations, or the image of a pawn shop?

For my liking, pawn shops too closely resemble the filthy money-lenders' tables Jesus overturned.

Right you are good sister!

And since the only thing Jesus did to death was CONQUER it, which looks nothing like the word streetheathon used, I am going to assume he is also fluent in satanic code. So many of them lately!

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: New convert here

Mr streetlight88...

Does the 88 in your name have anything to do with this?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/88_Precepts

I am very suspicious of this streetlight88. An investigation into this unsaved trash may be necessary.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[The Amazing Atheist]

Re: New convert here

Mr streetlight88...

Does the 88 in your name have anything to do with this?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/88_Precepts

I am very suspicious of this streetlight88. An investigation into this unsaved trash may be necessary.

Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

hypocrite. that is what you are brother lazarus. go suck your tits

[Brother Lazarus]

Re: New convert here

hypocrite. that is what you are brother lazarus. go suck your tits

How am I a hypocrite by asking Mr Streetlight the meaning of the "88"? He may be a racist. If so he needs counsel.
Yours in Christ
Brother Lazarus

[Osambo 08]

Re: New convert here

Well, this is my first post, so I am now losing my forum virginity (I'm not married, so I hope God won't mind)...

Anyway, this is somewhat embarrassing for me, but I might as well say it... I used to be...

... an atheist.

*Sigh* Yes, it's true. I used to believe in things like science, reason, Richard Dawkins, EVILution... yenno, the whole works. But one day when I performed my daily Google search for "kiddie porn" (as all faithful atheist do), I found THIS picture on the internets instead:



I then realized that Jebus the Flying Spaghetti Monster George Bush Raptor Jesus Daffy Duck Chuck Norris Jesus (sorry, it took me a few times to get that right) is the one true God and that I've been living a lie my entire life. I immediately converted to Christianity and then the nice people at Wal-Mart helped me find a $10 copy of the NIV Bible.

Anyway, as a new X-ian, I'm looking to join a church so that I can be indoctrinated brainwashed filled with the Holy Spirit (again, my apologies, sometimes I type words that I don't mean to and I can't find the "DELETE" key on my computer). Does Landover Baptist Church have free donuts? Because if it does, then I'm here to stay.

I used to be like you: loud, obnoxious, rude, open-minded, and reprehensible - until one day, when I decided to change my evil ways and become a True Christian like these wonderful White folk. I know that I will never reach their level of Christian morality, but I try and try every single day to pray, ask the Lord forgiveness, and comport myself like a Godly White person. Pastor Ezekiel was and still is one of my major role models. I wish all the buck nigras in the hood would stop fornicating and pay heed to his words of wisdom. He is a true messenger of God.