Greetings from America's Heartland

[HTannor]

I just found this site and prayed to be accepted as a member.

With my wife and my dog lying at my feet, I completed the registration form and felt Joy In My Heart as I selected the "submit" button.

My prayers were answered when I received the confirmation e-mail. My dog wagged his tail at my whoops of joy. I sent my wife to her duty station to make me a celebratory pot of coffee - not the devil's decaf, but real American 8 O’clock coffee freshly ground from beans handpicked by Central Americanscredit-unworthy people from south of our border.

Now that I am a member here, I swear on the Good Book (KJV) that my humble contributions will be on point and I will never engage in jerking off thread-jacking when it comes to adding my opinion to any discussion.

I promise to support the worthy objectives of this forum.

Having recently won the lottery been blessed to become a man of independent means I found that many others shamelessly come forth to share in my blessings and I don’t wish for that to become an issue here. Currently I’m limiting my largesse to causes that I’m sure you will agree with – The Sarah Palin Death to David Letterman Fund, the Richard Cheney Anticipatory Legal Defense Fund, and endowing The Rush Limbaugh Chair for Fair Political Discourse at Liberty University.

I will sign off now that my wife (it took her long enough) has brought my cup of coffee with two lumps of sugar made from American (not imported!) sugar cane.

Blessings to all of you.

[Johnnyboy]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

Welcome,

What church do you attend? Does you good wife bake pies and make buscuits and gravy?

[HTannor]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

Thank you for the warm welcome, Brother (May I say that?) James.

In answer to your questions:

What church do you attend?

You seem to be a pretty sharp fellow and picked up on the first sentence of my introductory post.

When I said: "I just found this site and prayed to be accepted as a member", I just know you thought to yourself: "Here's a lost soul searching for fulfillment amongst True Believers." And you were correct, of course. Praise the Lord!

Brother James, you were amazing in decoding my meaning and I would be humbled if you would consider mentoring me while finding my way in the Landover Baptist Church. If only I had found the same support while exploring the offerings in my immediate area.

I may as well confess that I sought comfort and solace in nearly three churches in my area.

The first one I attended left me shocked, shocked, I tell you, to find that women had clearly defined roles in the church. And, between you and me, were allowed to make suggestions regarding important policy making decisions WITHOUT CONSULTING THEIR HUSBANDS FIRST!!! The mind boggles. I immediately left.

The second church I attended seemed to clearly resent their Pastor. The poor man was nearly destitute and was forced to drive a two year old Escalade WITHOUT WIRE WHEELS!! I immediately decided to look elsewhere but not before having a private chat with this humble man of the cloth. I gave him a gift certificate to the local detailing shop to at least make his Cadillac look spotless. Even though the shop is run by a group of blacks criminals, they do offer a nice shine and you would have been amazed by their footwork while moving around the car. It’s their natural rhythm, I suppose.

The nearly third church I approached had a sign out front talking about some sort of activity on Wednesday night. I, sorry to say, was just returning from an eye exam which required dilation of my eyes and I couldn’t really make out the name of the church. But I felt the need for some spiritual uplifting and returned at the announced time of 7:30 PM to enter the edifice. Curiously, the sign pointed to a basement entrance, not the beautiful, ornate, front doors around to the left.

Entering through the door, I heard loud voices down the hall. Upon entering the hall the first thing I noticed was a woman lying on the floor. A man, standing over her, said: “Poor woman, she’s never won before.” I must have looked perplexed because he said to me. “It was a major jackpot, nearly 30 dollars.”

Oh my Lord, it was a Catholic Church and I had stumbled across bingo night!!!

That was it! No more hunting for a proper place of worship. So I found this site and will be eternally grateful.


You second question was:

Does you good wife bake pies and make buscuits and gravy?

Only America’s own apple pie with a proper recipe from my Mother’s secret files. My sainted Mother had a special way with her crusts. She did both a lower and upper crust. The upper crust had little crosses carved in them to show proper respect for the “Higher Authority” in our lives. My father, five brothers, and six sisters were thankful for those little touches.


Alas, biscuits and gravy seem to be beyond the woman’s grasp. I mean, what can be so difficult about making a decent batch of gravy. Time and time again I’ve told her that first she should go out and kill a chicken. Then boil the critter down, and so on. What can be simpler than that?

Tragically, I’ve had to resort to Country Kitchen although I am deeply suspicious of some of their employees. I suspect many of them are (dare I say it?) illegal aliens. And I’m not talking about little green men from Mars, if you get my drift.

So, Jimbo (At this point I feel I really know you), thank you for the warm welcome. And should we ever run across each other in the Landover Baptist Church's restroom, I WILL NOT be the one tapping my toes over in the corner stall.

[Mad Prophet Helmholtz]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

Welcome HTannor, glad to have you here!

[Johnnyboy]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

Thank you for the warm welcome, Brother (May I say that?) James.

In answer to your questions:

What church do you attend?

You seem to be a pretty sharp fellow and picked up on the first sentence of my introductory post.

When I said: "I just found this site and prayed to be accepted as a member", I just know you thought to yourself: "Here's a lost soul searching for fulfillment amongst True Believers." And you were correct, of course. Praise the Lord!

Brother James, you were amazing in decoding my meaning and I would be humbled if you would consider mentoring me while finding my way in the Landover Baptist Church. If only I had found the same support while exploring the offerings in my immediate area.

I may as well confess that I sought comfort and solace in nearly three churches in my area.

The first one I attended left me shocked, shocked, I tell you, to find that women had clearly defined roles in the church. And, between you and me, were allowed to make suggestions regarding important policy making decisions WITHOUT CONSULTING THEIR HUSBANDS FIRST!!! The mind boggles. I immediately left.

The second church I attended seemed to clearly resent their Pastor. The poor man was nearly destitute and was forced to drive a two year old Escalade WITHOUT WIRE WHEELS!! I immediately decided to look elsewhere but not before having a private chat with this humble man of the cloth. I gave him a gift certificate to the local detailing shop to at least make his Cadillac look spotless. Even though the shop is run by a group of blacks criminals, they do offer a nice shine and you would have been amazed by their footwork while moving around the car. It’s their natural rhythm, I suppose.

The nearly third church I approached had a sign out front talking about some sort of activity on Wednesday night. I, sorry to say, was just returning from an eye exam which required dilation of my eyes and I couldn’t really make out the name of the church. But I felt the need for some spiritual uplifting and returned at the announced time of 7:30 PM to enter the edifice. Curiously, the sign pointed to a basement entrance, not the beautiful, ornate, front doors around to the left.

Entering through the door, I heard loud voices down the hall. Upon entering the hall the first thing I noticed was a woman lying on the floor. A man, standing over her, said: “Poor woman, she’s never won before.” I must have looked perplexed because he said to me. “It was a major jackpot, nearly 30 dollars.”

Oh my Lord, it was a Catholic Church and I had stumbled across bingo night!!!

That was it! No more hunting for a proper place of worship. So I found this site and will be eternally grateful.


You second question was:

Does you good wife bake pies and make buscuits and gravy?

Only America’s own apple pie with a proper recipe from my Mother’s secret files. My sainted Mother had a special way with her crusts. She did both a lower and upper crust. The upper crust had little crosses carved in them to show proper respect for the “Higher Authority” in our lives. My father, five brothers, and six sisters were thankful for those little touches.


Alas, biscuits and gravy seem to be beyond the woman’s grasp. I mean, what can be so difficult about making a decent batch of gravy. Time and time again I’ve told her that first she should go out and kill a chicken. Then boil the critter down, and so on. What can be simpler than that?

Tragically, I’ve had to resort to Country Kitchen although I am deeply suspicious of some of their employees. I suspect many of them are (dare I say it?) illegal aliens. And I’m not talking about little green men from Mars, if you get my drift.

So, Jimbo (At this point I feel I really know you), thank you for the warm welcome. And should we ever run across each other in the Landover Baptist Church's restroom, I WILL NOT be the one tapping my toes over in the corner stall.

Actually, It's Johnnyboy. I gotta hand it to you. When you answer a question, you don't mess around. Again, welcome.

[HTannor]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

.

[James Hutchins]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

?

[HTannor]

Re: Greetings from America's Heartland

I'm sorry Brother Hutchins, I was trying to delete the post and was unsuccessful.