I have repented! Save me, Landover!

[Repentant Catholic]

Yes, I was a cat-licker. For years and years. And now Jesus has punished me for it.

First, there's my wife. She didn't like it when I disciplined her (what am I supposed to do when she burns the roast because she can't clean the house fast enough while it's cooking?). So one day, after I got home from work, she was gone. The police wouldn't even go out and look for her, saying something about a restraining order or something.

Then there's our son. He's turned into a teen age, emo/goth homosexual!

Now, I really need to know how to deal with him; I don't know if he's like that because I made the mistake of raising him to be a cat-licker or if it's because of my wife or what, but I need to fix that problem. I can't allow that kind of homer butt-secks in my house!

[Lola Handcock]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

Well seems as if you have a few problems.Tell me Has Jesus brought you to us ?What church do you attend( is it a Christian Church,Catherliks don't count)..What is your favorite verse from the Bible ? Were you RAPED by one of them Catherlik priests ? Its OK you can confide in us.Does homersexuarl tendencies run deep in your Family tree ? Do you burn candles ?

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

I have a concern.

Just wandering away from Catholicism does not solve your Catholic problem.

You need to be excommunicated, and preferably, by the Book, Bell and Candle rite.


Come up with something that will accomplish that, while at the same time NOT getting you damned to Hell for something Jesus (and Landover Baptist) would find odious.


For example, buggering the Pope, while it might seem to be something along those lines, would get you damned for homersixualism, and besides, the Pope would like it.

Be creative, and make us proud to accept you.

[Hank]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

I'd go and steal one of them solid gold monstrances, sell it and tithe it to Landover Baptist. Then you'll be saved without a doubt.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

Welcome to God's favorite forum, sir. Jesus sent you to us in the nick of time. Burn your papist false Bibles, break up your papist statuary, and throw out your papist rosaries and medallions RIGHT NOW because they are full of demons. Get your credit cards and financial papers ready and contact our joo accountants and send us your Love Offering TODAY before Jesus decides to kill you and send you to roast in hell with the rest of the papist cult.

Start learning about God's favorite Church by reading THIS. I'll be praying for you.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

Hmmm, I was a Catlick for a lot of years and something doesn't add up. Your wife left you? Catlick women don't do that. Men either. You're stuck when you say I do, and that's all there is to it.

Plus, Catlicks are all in favor of butt sex.

Who are you really?

[greenpomaceous]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

Hmmm, I was a Catlick for a lot of years and something doesn't add up. Your wife left you? Catlick women don't do that. Men either. You're stuck when you say I do, and that's all there is to it.

Plus, Catlicks are all in favor of butt sex.

Who are you really?

I heard that catlicks use butt-sex as a form of birth control. Is that true?

[Brother Enoch]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

I heard that catlicks use butt-sex as a form of birth control. Is that true?

No, that's not allowed.

Catlicks use butt-sex because little boys don't have vaginas.

[Repentant Catholic]

Re: I have repented! Save me, Landover!

Hmmm, I was a Catlick for a lot of years and something doesn't add up. Your wife left you? Catlick women don't do that. Men either. You're stuck when you say I do, and that's all there is to it.

I think one of those femi-nazi types got to her and talked her into leaving the house!

She didn't want a divorce, she just didn't understand how Jesus wants me to discipline her.

Plus, Catlicks are all in favor of butt sex.

Only with little boys.

Besides, I'm not in favor of it. Neither is Jesus or the Bible.