Save me, Landover!

[Little Mouse]

Hey everybody, I am new here, and after many years of doubt, I was directed to this forum. After reading through the threads, I cannot believe how stupid I was to not see the light of Jesus! How could I NOT believe with all the obvious proof, namely the Bible? I ask you people here to please help me, because I do not want to be damned to Hell. I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I don't know how to be a good Christian. I ask you all kindly for advice. Thank you very much!

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Hey everybody, I am new here, and after many years of doubt, I was directed to this forum. After reading through the threads, I cannot believe how stupid I was to not see the light of Jesus! How could I NOT believe with all the obvious proof, namely the Bible? I ask you people here to please help me, because I do not want to be damned to Hell. I have accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I don't know how to be a good Christian. I ask you all kindly for advice. Thank you very much!

Um, if you've read the Bible, then you already know how to be a good Christian. The Bible is clear. Did you read a KJV1611?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Please tell us about yourself. How old are you? What church does your husband take you to?

[Little Mouse]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Oh, I do not have a husband yet. And I do not feel comfortable giving out my exact age; I think all that matters is that I am an adult.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Oh, I do not have a husband yet. And I do not feel comfortable giving out my exact age; I think all that matters is that I am an adult.

Refusing a direct order from a Pastor is a sin.

Romans 13:1 Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.

Answer the question.

[Little Mouse]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Yes, sir, I'm sorry. I am 20 years old, and I come from a broken home. My father was a felon, and my mother, a prostitute. Her parents couldn't afford to send her to college, so it was the only way she knew of to make money. She would always bring her "clients" home, and force me to sit in the bedroom and watch. If I refused, I would be cut. I still have scars on my back from that knife. When I was 15, I ran away and lived on the streets for the remainder of school while simultaneously working at a part-time job to get by. I now live in an apartment by myself, and I am still looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with.

Needless to say, I have not been happy with my life, and doubted God because of all of my misfortune. I now see that the only way to go is toward His light, living a Christian life. That is the only way that I can find happiness, I suppose. So I am asking all of you to please help me on my religious journey, and to help me to learn about the Bible and about Jesus.

[Emil Sledge]

Re: Save me, Landover!

I'm looking all over to see where it says you're a gal, Little Mouse. You ARE a gal, aren't you?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Yes, sir, I'm sorry. I am 20 years old, and I come from a broken home. My father was a felon, and my mother, a prostitute. Her parents couldn't afford to send her to college, so it was the only way she knew of to make money. She would always bring her "clients" home, and force me to sit in the bedroom and watch. If I refused, I would be cut. I still have scars on my back from that knife. When I was 15, I ran away and lived on the streets for the remainder of school while simultaneously working at a part-time job to get by. I now live in an apartment by myself, and I am still looking for a man to spend the rest of my life with.

Needless to say, I have not been happy with my life, and doubted God because of all of my misfortune. I now see that the only way to go is toward His light, living a Christian life. That is the only way that I can find happiness, I suppose. So I am asking all of you to please help me on my religious journey, and to help me to learn about the Bible and about Jesus.

What church do you attend? Aren't there any good Christian men there?

Maybe they don't want you with your history of being a slut.

[Little Mouse]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Mr. Emil: Yes, I am a girl.

Pastor Ezekiel: How could you assume I am a slut? I am in fact a virgin, and have no intentions of being anything like my mother. Do you think I actually ENJOYED what I witnessed? I absolutely did not! They were some of the most horrifying, scarring experiences of my childhood!

I ask you to please not make hasty assumptions about me. That's a pet peeve of mine.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Mr. Emil: Yes, I am a girl.

Pastor Ezekiel: How could you assume I am a slut? I am in fact a virgin, and have no intentions of being anything like my mother. Do you think I actually ENJOYED what I witnessed? I absolutely did not! They were some of the most horrifying, scarring experiences of my childhood!

I ask you to please not make hasty assumptions about me. That's a pet peeve of mine.

Shut your yap, girl. No wonder you can't find a decent Christian husband with a mouth like that!

1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing.

The Bible commands that I judge you and rebuke you with all my True Christian(tm) might!

1 Tim 5:20 Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.

2 Timothy 4:2 Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.

[Samuel Coleridge]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Mr. Emil: Yes, I am a girl.

Pastor Ezekiel: How could you assume I am a slut? I am in fact a virgin, and have no intentions of being anything like my mother. Do you think I actually ENJOYED what I witnessed? I absolutely did not! They were some of the most horrifying, scarring experiences of my childhood!

I ask you to please not make hasty assumptions about me. That's a pet peeve of mine.

Welcome, Little Mouse. That's quite an amazing testimony you have there.

*sigh* Only if it were true. I think you would really selll a lot of cookies with that story for our upcoming UU bake sale to save the southern red snail.

[Little Mouse]

Re: Save me, Landover!

Please, somebody, just tell me what I should do instead of getting angry with me. I apologize for being new to the Bible and really to Christianity as a whole, but I'm doing my best. How about some constructive criticism? All I want is to be a good Christian. How do I live a Godly life? And how do I find myself a husband?

[Emil Sledge]

Re: Save me, Landover!

My father was a felon...

So where is he now and why isn't he looking after you? We can sure see how the missing father and the corporal punishment you never got has affected you. I think you might want to see about meeting with our Godly Rev. Osborne so you can get yourself learning to be submissive instead of lippy. I bet he'd even come to Ohio if he thought there was any chance of bringing you to the sweet loving arms of Jesus Christ.

The other thing I can see is that you have been infested with all sorts of demons. Mrs. Sledge can help you to prepare yourself for flushing them clean out of your body, but you have to follow instructions. You must be clean and pure if you meet with Rev. Osborne.

[Little Mouse]

Re: Save me, Landover!

I don't know where he is now, or even if he is alive anymore. I never knew him to be honest.

And Mr. Emil, I would love to learn to be a true Christian. How to I get rid of these demons?

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Save me, Landover!

I think you would really selll a lot of cookies with that story for our upcoming UU bake sale to save the southern red snail.

Oh crap, you're Unitarian Universalist!?

I should have known. Why are you bastards following me all over the net?

It was just an online faith quiz, it didn't mean anything, I was a misguided libral catlick at the time and I didn't even answer truthfully!

NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!