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  • Mark of Christ
    Unsaved trash
    Under Investigation
    • Jan 2010
    • 5
    #1

    PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

    Hello! I was told I should start a new thread to introduce myself, rather than hijacking another thread as I fear I have done. So here is a quick introduction. I doubt my story is unlike yours.

    Like many people here, I too was once among the forked-penised mongrels that your mother warned you about. I was on a slippery waterslide to hell, with a sudsy beer in one hand and the breast of some unnamed woman in the other. I never realized how miserable I was at the time until I found Jesus... or rather found HIS BLESSED HOLY FACE burnt onto the tortilla of a Chipotle burrito.

    Addicts call it a moment of clarity. I, an adict of fornication and idolatry, called it a moment of clarity. I quickly sold the remains of my burrito on ebay, and went into solitude, committing the KJV to memory.

    I suddenly understood that Evolution was just a THEORY and Charles Darwin was probably an alcoholic.

    I suddenly realized that homosexuals were GOD'S butt monkeys who deserved only eternal fire.

    I suddenly saw that the Bible was true because GOD SAID IT WAS TRUE. RIGHT THERE IN THE BIBLE!!!!

    And more than anything, I realized that almost everybody on the planet was bound for hell by our wonderful and loving GOD!

    May CHRIST (THE BLESSED LAMB OF GOD) visit you in your tortillas as he has visited me in mine.

    Yours in Christ,
    Mark
    If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:26
    Tags: None
    • Pastor Ezekiel
      Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
       
      • Sep 2006
      • 78556
      #2
      Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

      Uh, welcome friend. You wouldn't happen to be related to THIS guy, would you?
      Who Will Jesus Damn?

      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

        Comment

        • TruePath
          Unsaved trash
          • Dec 2009
          • 220
          #3
          Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

          As'Salaamun Aleykum friend.

          Surely this man is drunk, or joking...?
          Surah 4:169 O people of the Book! do not exceed in your religion, nor say against God aught save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus the son of Mary, is but the apostle of God ... say not "Trinity." Desist! it will be better for you. God is only one God, far be it for Him that He should beget a Son!

            Comment

            • Mark of Christ
              Unsaved trash
              Under Investigation
              • Jan 2010
              • 5
              #4
              Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
              Uh, welcome friend. You wouldn't happen to be related to THIS guy, would you?
              Dad?
              If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. - Luke 14:26

                Comment

                • OneBro11
                  Unsaved trash
                  Under Investigation
                  • Jan 2010
                  • 5
                  #5
                  Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                  You are my hero, sir.

                    Comment

                    • Slutty
                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                      • Jan 2010
                      • 40
                      #6
                      Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                      You're amazing. c:

                        Comment

                        • Pastor Ezekiel
                          Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
                           
                          • Sep 2006
                          • 78556
                          #7
                          Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                          Originally posted by OneBro11 View Post
                          You are my hero, sir.
                          Originally posted by Skitty View Post
                          You're amazing. c:
                          Well thank you both, but I am just a humble True Christian(tm) Pastor and I give all Praise to Jesus. He's the one who has blessed me with so many talents and skills, and a body that is the envy of everyone. Jesus gave me the same blond hair and blue eyes that He has, and He gave me an indoor swimming pool to keep my rock hard abs.

                          But thank you anyway. Please don't adore me too much.
                          Who Will Jesus Damn?

                          Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                          Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                          Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

                            Comment

                            • TruePath
                              Unsaved trash
                              • Dec 2009
                              • 220
                              #8
                              Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                              Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
                              Jesus gave me the same blond hair and blue eyes that He has
                              What???

                              Jesus was a Jew and Jews are hook nosed dark skinned dark haired people.
                              Surah 4:169 O people of the Book! do not exceed in your religion, nor say against God aught save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus the son of Mary, is but the apostle of God ... say not "Trinity." Desist! it will be better for you. God is only one God, far be it for Him that He should beget a Son!

                                Comment

                                • GOD=life
                                  WARNING: Do not attempt to debate. You will lose horribly.
                                  True Christian™
                                  • Jan 2010
                                  • 3263
                                  #9
                                  Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                  Originally posted by TruePath View Post
                                  What??? Jesus was a Jew and Jews are hook nosed dark skinned dark haired people.
                                  Is that what they teach you in muslim school??
                                  I take my orders from Jesus H. Christ, supernatural born US citizen

                                  Be wary of false Kumbaya Christians who use a highlighter and scissors to read the Bible. God wants us to read the lines, not between the lines. False Christians will go to Hell:
                                  Matthew 7:22                                   Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
                                  Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

                                  Asking a Christian to prove God exists is like asking him to prove his phone rings because yours doesn't. Make that call yourself! Dial 0800-get-on-your-knees-and-pray.

                                    Comment

                                    • 10characters
                                      Confirmed Enemy of God
                                      BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured
                                      • Jan 2010
                                      • 1
                                      #10
                                      Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                      Chipotle Jesus??? Is that the Mexican Jesus? That must be the Jesus for this guy: Gabriel Reproba

                                        Comment

                                        • GodIsAlmighty
                                          True Christian™
                                          True Christian™
                                          • Jan 2010
                                          • 184
                                          #11
                                          Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                          Originally posted by TruePath View Post
                                          What???

                                          Jesus was a Jew and Jews are hook nosed dark skinned dark haired people.
                                          Jesus Is Not A Joo! - The Landover Baptist Church Forum
                                          http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=10278
                                          This forum is dedicated to the history of Christianity, and its impact on the history of the world.


                                          come on, it's even a stickied topic. you obviously do not read the Bible much
                                          Follow me on Thefacebook! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...00000884272376

                                            Comment

                                            • GOD=life
                                              WARNING: Do not attempt to debate. You will lose horribly.
                                              True Christian™
                                              • Jan 2010
                                              • 3263
                                              #12
                                              Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                              Looks like this is the so-called "respect" that muslims give Christians.

                                              You know, kind of like the "peace" they've brought to New York on Sept. 11th, 2001.

                                              Or how muhammad can be both pedophile and the most moral man.

                                              How about we call a spade a spade here, folks?
                                              I take my orders from Jesus H. Christ, supernatural born US citizen

                                              Be wary of false Kumbaya Christians who use a highlighter and scissors to read the Bible. God wants us to read the lines, not between the lines. False Christians will go to Hell:
                                              Matthew 7:22                                               Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
                                              Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

                                              Asking a Christian to prove God exists is like asking him to prove his phone rings because yours doesn't. Make that call yourself! Dial 0800-get-on-your-knees-and-pray.

                                                Comment

                                                • TruePath
                                                  Unsaved trash
                                                  • Dec 2009
                                                  • 220
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                                  9/11 was masterminded by the CIA and executed probably by animatronic robots on empty planes so the Crusaders could blame the Great religion of Peace (Islam) and have an excuse to invade Holy Arab lands and steal the oil.
                                                  Surah 4:169 O people of the Book! do not exceed in your religion, nor say against God aught save the truth. The Messiah, Jesus the son of Mary, is but the apostle of God ... say not "Trinity." Desist! it will be better for you. God is only one God, far be it for Him that He should beget a Son!

                                                    Comment

                                                    • GOD=life
                                                      WARNING: Do not attempt to debate. You will lose horribly.
                                                      True Christian™
                                                      • Jan 2010
                                                      • 3263
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                                      Originally posted by TruePath View Post
                                                      9/11 was masterminded by the CIA and executed probably by animatronic robots on empty planes so the Crusaders could blame the Great religion of Pedophilia (Islam) and have an excuse to invade Holy Arab lands and steal the oil.
                                                      And yet, 9 years later:

                                                      1. The oil is not stolen, it's still there and being exported.

                                                      2. Muslims still commit terrorist attacks. Thankfully, most of it is on eachother these days.

                                                      3. Muslims have still not denounced muhammad's pedophilia as immoral. But hey, maybe the CIA wrote the quran?
                                                      I take my orders from Jesus H. Christ, supernatural born US citizen

                                                      Be wary of false Kumbaya Christians who use a highlighter and scissors to read the Bible. God wants us to read the lines, not between the lines. False Christians will go to Hell:
                                                      Matthew 7:22                                                       Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
                                                      Matthew 7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

                                                      Asking a Christian to prove God exists is like asking him to prove his phone rings because yours doesn't. Make that call yourself! Dial 0800-get-on-your-knees-and-pray.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • GodIsAlmighty
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          True Christian™
                                                          • Jan 2010
                                                          • 184
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: PRAISE CHIPOTLE JESUS!

                                                          Originally posted by TruePath View Post
                                                          9/11 was masterminded by the CIA and executed probably by animatronic robots on empty planes so the Crusaders could blame the Great religion of Peace (Islam) and have an excuse to invade Holy Arab lands and steal the oil.
                                                          Come on, you think that someone as hole as George W. Bush (a Southern Baptist) would do that? I'll admit, I wouldn't cross out the possibility of 9/11 being caused by the joos, but it definitely was not the government (but in all it was overhyped-only liberals died, since only liberals live in NYC).
                                                          Follow me on Thefacebook! http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?...00000884272376

                                                            Comment

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