Tweet
Greetings fellow True Christians! I thought that this would be a good time to introduce myself. I'm Buford T Scoggins of Whacko, Texas. That's Texas with a big "T" - proud home of President George W Bush, the greatest leader in the world.
Everyone has heard of Texas, but Whacko itself is also a famous place. Aside from our annual <i>Tractor Pull and Chili Cook-off</i>, we're well-known for the 1993 massacre of David Koresh and his Branch Davidians. Although it was a false religion (and thus deserved to be exterminated), I did have to admire the Branch Davidians for their methods. All right-thinking Christians should take heed and begin arming themselves for the coming battle with the dark forces of Satan. Indeed, it's already started in Iraq, where our brave Crusaders are engaged in a life-and-death struggle against Muslim atheists. And soon our great President will be extending the war to our enemies in Iran, leading us to glorious Armageddon, Rapture, and $1 per gallon gasoline, just as the Bible predicted. I can hardly wait - bring it on!!!
Sorry, I didn't mean to get all worked up. Just a moment while I take my Thorazine...there, that's better. I really shouldn't be talking politics right now, after all, this is just an introduction to me, not the Lord's well thought-out plans for America's world domination. So let me continue with some more info about myself.
Actually, I don't know much about myself. Something happened to me 10 years ago - maybe I was hit by a truck, or had a bad LSD trip, whatever. All I know is that I woke up in Happydale Home in a padded cell, wearing a straightjacket. Obviously, Satan had me in his grip. But then the Lord spoke to me, and I was born again! I prayed to be freed - and my prayers were answered! Thanks to President Bush's defunding of health care for the mentally disturbed, I was released, along with many others who are now leading the Christian movement! It was a miracle.
At first I didn't know where to go, so I took up residence in a city park in Dallas. One day I was talking to a giraffe at the City Zoo, and he told me to go to Whacko, Texas. And there I found my true calling as the founder of Operation Rescue. At least, I think I was the founder - I seem to recall that, though it might have been one of those acid flashbacks. Whatever, I found a bullhorn in the local Salvation Army thrift store, and the bullhorn spoke to me. Then I knew what I had to do - I stole the bullhorn (it was a gift from God). Ever since me and bullhorn have been very busy doing good deeds - like harassing murderous abortion clinics all around the great state of Texas.
My activities attracted many new friends, and we're always busy saving souls. One of our favorite blessed activities is splashing pig's blood on unsaved harlots as they exit the abortion clinics. We also like to snap photos of them and post them on the Internet, along with pictures of dead fetuses. You can't imagine the joy it gives us to be doing the Lord's work.
I also volunteer at our local university, where I've helped organize Campus Crusaders for Christ. As you all know, colleges tend to be cesspools of leftist debauchery. Fags, feminists, envirowhackos, Demoncrats and other Godless communists all conspire to corrupt our young people with fantasies about free sex and global warming. Fortunately, our Crusaders have been very successful at drowning out propaganda from the evil liberals (you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish with just a few death threats and smear tactics). Among our victories have been campaigns to promote abstinence-only sex education and Intelligent Design. We succeeded in getting a ban on evolution classes and stem-cell research. We were even able to get some of the leftist professors fired when several of our female True Christians agreed to make false accusations of sexual harassment (planting marijuana in their cars also helped). As our hero Karl Rove has said, "All is fair when you're one of God's warriors."
A new academic year has just started, and you can be sure that our Crusaders will continue the war against secular humanism. Next month we're preparing a big campaign against Halloween, a "holiday" started by Harry Potter. Alas, fighting Satan and his army of pagan dupes is a never-ending battle, but we will never tire. Onward Christian soldiers!
Whoops, there I go again, getting all worked up about politics. Sorry, I'd better sign off now and go do my afternoon relaxation therapy. What I do is tie myself to a cross a wear a crown of thorns for a few hours while listening to gospel music. I even grew a beard (just like Jesus) to add to the effect. I urge everyone to try it - really helps to cleanse the soul.
Yours in Christ,
Buford
Everyone has heard of Texas, but Whacko itself is also a famous place. Aside from our annual <i>Tractor Pull and Chili Cook-off</i>, we're well-known for the 1993 massacre of David Koresh and his Branch Davidians. Although it was a false religion (and thus deserved to be exterminated), I did have to admire the Branch Davidians for their methods. All right-thinking Christians should take heed and begin arming themselves for the coming battle with the dark forces of Satan. Indeed, it's already started in Iraq, where our brave Crusaders are engaged in a life-and-death struggle against Muslim atheists. And soon our great President will be extending the war to our enemies in Iran, leading us to glorious Armageddon, Rapture, and $1 per gallon gasoline, just as the Bible predicted. I can hardly wait - bring it on!!!
Sorry, I didn't mean to get all worked up. Just a moment while I take my Thorazine...there, that's better. I really shouldn't be talking politics right now, after all, this is just an introduction to me, not the Lord's well thought-out plans for America's world domination. So let me continue with some more info about myself.
Actually, I don't know much about myself. Something happened to me 10 years ago - maybe I was hit by a truck, or had a bad LSD trip, whatever. All I know is that I woke up in Happydale Home in a padded cell, wearing a straightjacket. Obviously, Satan had me in his grip. But then the Lord spoke to me, and I was born again! I prayed to be freed - and my prayers were answered! Thanks to President Bush's defunding of health care for the mentally disturbed, I was released, along with many others who are now leading the Christian movement! It was a miracle.
At first I didn't know where to go, so I took up residence in a city park in Dallas. One day I was talking to a giraffe at the City Zoo, and he told me to go to Whacko, Texas. And there I found my true calling as the founder of Operation Rescue. At least, I think I was the founder - I seem to recall that, though it might have been one of those acid flashbacks. Whatever, I found a bullhorn in the local Salvation Army thrift store, and the bullhorn spoke to me. Then I knew what I had to do - I stole the bullhorn (it was a gift from God). Ever since me and bullhorn have been very busy doing good deeds - like harassing murderous abortion clinics all around the great state of Texas.
My activities attracted many new friends, and we're always busy saving souls. One of our favorite blessed activities is splashing pig's blood on unsaved harlots as they exit the abortion clinics. We also like to snap photos of them and post them on the Internet, along with pictures of dead fetuses. You can't imagine the joy it gives us to be doing the Lord's work.
I also volunteer at our local university, where I've helped organize Campus Crusaders for Christ. As you all know, colleges tend to be cesspools of leftist debauchery. Fags, feminists, envirowhackos, Demoncrats and other Godless communists all conspire to corrupt our young people with fantasies about free sex and global warming. Fortunately, our Crusaders have been very successful at drowning out propaganda from the evil liberals (you'd be amazed at what you can accomplish with just a few death threats and smear tactics). Among our victories have been campaigns to promote abstinence-only sex education and Intelligent Design. We succeeded in getting a ban on evolution classes and stem-cell research. We were even able to get some of the leftist professors fired when several of our female True Christians agreed to make false accusations of sexual harassment (planting marijuana in their cars also helped). As our hero Karl Rove has said, "All is fair when you're one of God's warriors."
A new academic year has just started, and you can be sure that our Crusaders will continue the war against secular humanism. Next month we're preparing a big campaign against Halloween, a "holiday" started by Harry Potter. Alas, fighting Satan and his army of pagan dupes is a never-ending battle, but we will never tire. Onward Christian soldiers!
Whoops, there I go again, getting all worked up about politics. Sorry, I'd better sign off now and go do my afternoon relaxation therapy. What I do is tie myself to a cross a wear a crown of thorns for a few hours while listening to gospel music. I even grew a beard (just like Jesus) to add to the effect. I urge everyone to try it - really helps to cleanse the soul.
Yours in Christ,
Buford
ve, Sister Thumper
Comment