Hep me please!

[Old Heller]

I am now living in the Ol Soljer's Home in Dime Box, Texas on account of my last wife left me. I am the best gentleman I can be...I think I been baptized 14 times by immersion, 7 by dippin, and sprinkled with a wet rose 3 or 4 time. But ol' Satan, he kept after me, and I just caint keep from chasing after purty little women. Paraise Jesus!

I had to lye about my age to get into Landover--they wouldn't believe me when I told um I was born in 18 and 95, said it had to be some time between 1901 and 2006. So I think I put down 1902. Fact is I'm 111 years old, not just 104 like I had to put down. But I got a lot a spark left in me, and I'd surely like to find me a nice little Christian lady to hep me out. She don't have to be perty, but she oughta be strong 'cause she going to have to help me get on the pot. Praise Jesus!!

I woulda posted my pitcher, but they wouldn't let me. Any a you pretty young thangs want to hep a old man in his last days?

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Hep me please!

Perhaps you should post a Godly ad in our Christian Singles Forum. I know at your age, the women outnumber the men by 10 to 1. But of course, many older gals have wised up and don't want another man to take care of. Anyway, welcome to Jesus' favorite church. Sister Glendora

[Old Heller]

Re: Hep me please!

Perhaps you should post a Godly ad in our Christian Singles Forum. I know at your age, the women outnumber the men by 10 to 1. But of course, many older gals have wised up and don't want another man to take care of. Anyway, welcome to Jesus' favorite church. Sister Glendora

How about you? Would you be willin to take up light housekeepin with me? You look sturdy.

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Hep me please!

How about you? Would you be willin to take up light housekeepin with me? You look sturdy.

Before the other ladies of Landover start their cackling, I had better explain that I am happily married to my husband Elmer. But thanks for the comment (I think). Did I mention, I have a neck ache? It goes along with the sturdy bits.

[Dr. Ernest C. Ville, D.C.S.]

Re: Hep me please!

Ms. Glendora I would beware -- this homer may be looking to kidnap you. This is how they always start: "want to come help me with my light housekeeping".... Next thing you know, you're at the bottom of a pit, naked with no clothes and being forced to listen to pre-raping demon-worshipping music. This has all the earmarks of an aggressive mooslim trying to trick you into something -- beware!

[Glendora Christianson]

Re: Hep me please!

Thank you for being such kind and good Christian, John. But you needn't worry. Elmer and our Lord Jesus Christ are the only men I clean house for. But I do like to welcome new members. And it is important to allow for a little forward behavior from the unsaved heathens who come here for help. I just hope Mr. Heller's Viagra isn't doing the talking for him.

[Talitha]

Re: Hep me please!

I am now living in the Ol Soljer's Home in Dime Box, Texas on account of my last wife left me. I am the best gentleman I can be...I think I been baptized 14 times by immersion, 7 by dippin, and sprinkled with a wet rose 3 or 4 time. But ol' Satan, he kept after me, and I just caint keep from chasing after purty little women. Paraise Jesus!

I had to lye about my age to get into Landover--they wouldn't believe me when I told um I was born in 18 and 95, said it had to be some time between 1901 and 2006. So I think I put down 1902. Fact is I'm 111 years old, not just 104 like I had to put down. But I got a lot a spark left in me, and I'd surely like to find me a nice little Christian lady to hep me out. She don't have to be perty, but she oughta be strong 'cause she going to have to help me get on the pot. Praise Jesus!!

I woulda posted my pitcher, but they wouldn't let me. Any a you pretty young thangs want to hep a old man in his last days?

Brother, please tell me, I'm very well used to looking after old GitsOld fellas like yourself. My Dear departed husband was 96 years old when he sadly passed away following a tragic accident involving our Limo.
I have few needs apart from the usual Maids, Servants, Drivers, Pilot's, Diamonds, Large Houses in many countries of the world.
I can send my man Servant over to collect you so we can meet, and I can prepare a contract myself to greet you.

[Old Heller]

Re: Hep me please!

Well, Sissy, that's a right perty picture of you there, but how come you was hangin around with a 96-year-old codger? Is there sumpin' you ain't tellin me? How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus? By the way, I still got some a my own teeths, praise Jesus.

[Talitha]

Re: Hep me please!

Well, Sissy, that's a right perty picture of you there, but how come you was hangin around with a 96-year-old codger? Is there sumpin' you ain't tellin me? How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus? By the way, I still got some a my own teeths, praise Jesus.

Well, I enjoy being a companion for old Coots Gentlemen like yourself.
Can you send your Limo over to collect me plus my 4 bodyguards?
I'll wear my prettiest dress and we can sit and talk about your money colourful past.

YIC
Talitha

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Hep me please!

How's about you come over and we have a quiet little hour of prayer and praisin' Jesus?

I'd like to see that my ownself. GODLY Sister Talitha makes Anna Nicole look like Sally Fields.

[Old Heller]

Re: Hep me please!

I'd like to see that my ownself. GODLY Sister Talitha makes Anna Nicole look like Sally Fields.

Brother Al, a old man like me kin be kind of slow...praise Jesus! But I aint so slow that I doant reconize when a preacher is gettin horney. If Sister Talitha comes over to pray with me, I think she might want it to be just me and her.

[Rain]

Re: Hep me please!

Brother Al, a old man like me kin be kind of slow...praise Jesus! But I aint so slow that I doant reconize when a preacher is gettin horney. If Sister Talitha comes over to pray with me, I think she might want it to be just me and her.

....You will make sure you keep those bodyguards nice and close won't you Sister Talitha??

~Rain

[Talitha]

Re: Hep me please!

....You will make sure you keep those bodyguards nice and close won't you Sister Talitha??

~Rain

Of course Sister Rain. Every Good True Christian™ Woman should have at least one Chaperone and I happen to have four.
These Guys are Special forces trained and stay by my side at ALL times.
You never know when a big Buck Negra is going to jump out of the bushes and rape you.

Listen Mr Old Heller, I shall call around after Church tomorrow to meet you. Security have already checked out your building and the surrounding area and it seems to be clear, but you may get a knock on your door an hour before my arrival when someone may wish to check out the inside of your house.

I hope you understand my caution but my ex In-Laws still hold a grudge against me. I don't understand why. I was left that money fair and square.
The Police Chief was paid off more than happy with my version of events which were witnessed by my Mexican Gardener who unfortunately mysteriously vanished after signing a statement clearing me of any involvement.

[Old Heller]

Re: Hep me please!

Of course Sister Rain. Every Good True Christian™ Woman should have at least one Chaperone and I happen to have four.
These Guys are Special forces trained and stay by my side at ALL times.
You never know when a big Buck Negra is going to jump out of the bushes and rape you.

Listen Mr Old Heller, I shall call around after Church tomorrow to meet you. Security have already checked out your building and the surrounding area and it seems to be clear, but you may get a knock on your door an hour before my arrival when someone may wish to check out the inside of your house.

I hope you understand my caution but my ex In-Laws still hold a grudge against me. I don't understand why. I was left that money fair and square.
The Police Chief was paid off more than happy with my version of events which were witnessed by my Mexican Gardener who unfortunately mysteriously vanished after signing a statement clearing me of any involvement.

Alas, False Christian Sister Taliban has let a ole man down. I waited and waited in front a the Soljer's home in Dime Box, and they wasn't a soul who even drove thru town. Being one of the last veterans of Double You Double You One, Im gettin perty used to bein forgot, tho.

Maybe some of you Real Church Ladies will come pray with and sit by a pore old man, since Sister Taliban caint be bothered. By the way, I'm gonna tell God what she did. Praise Jesus!!

[SalvationSeeker]

Re: Hep me please!

Alas, False Christian Sister Taliban has let a ole man down. I waited and waited in front a the Soljer's home in Dime Box, and they wasn't a soul who even drove thru town. Being one of the last veterans of Double You Double You One, Im gettin perty used to bein forgot, tho.

Maybe some of you Real Church Ladies will come pray with and sit by a pore old man, since Sister Taliban caint be bothered. By the way, I'm gonna tell God what she did. Praise Jesus!!

You dare call Godly sister Talitha a false Christian?!
Watch yourself, you little homer, or Jesus will send you to hell.
(He has done so before with MANY who has wronged her.)