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I pray the Good Lord Jesus finds you well this day.
Greetings friends,
This communique comes to you from across the Atlantic, a place of sins and things beyond your wildest dreams. This God-forsaken place is Portugal. Allow me to tell you a little bit of my background and how I came to know Jesus, that we might fellowship together.
Like many of you, I came to Christ late in life. I was born into a family of sinners. My parents were atheists, my friends: godless atheists. My ancestors were atheists as well. From the day of my birth, until only recently, I never knew the terrifying love of Jesus Christ.
Yes, friends, I was raised in sin. I attended PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I got a degree in LIBERAL STUDIES from a major US university. Friends, I was so depraved, that I went on to get a GRADUATE degree and worked in the LIBERAL MEDIA as well.
I was a hedonist, sinner, sodomite. I took STRANGE DRUGS. I held religion in CONTEMPT. I experimented with SATANISM and the Church of the Subgenius! Friends, there was no depravity to which I would not sink. I recall one instance when I actually SOAKED a BLESSED COMMUNION WAFER in LIQUID LSD before breaking that bread with a homosexual and TWO LOOSE WOMEN. What followed, fellow Christians, I cannot say, for fear the PERVERSIONS to which we set ourselves on that damned evening would prove TOO MUCH for a GODLY, CHRISTIAN audience like you all to stomach.
And SATAN rewarded my blasphemy! I rose high in the ranks of my chosen profession. I had wealth beyond measure. I had a stable of whores to pleasure me. I had UNLIMITED SUPPLIES of booze and narcotics. But it was never enough. I wanted more. More money. More drugs. More whores.
Then, my friends, one afternoon I found myself at the thirteenth hole of the Maple Shores Country Club, snorting cocaine off the roof of a golf cart as a thunderstorm started rolling in. The sniveling sycophants that I surrounded myself with at the time were rightfully frightened by the impending storm. "Let's go do some shots at the clubhouse," they said. "This storm is going to piffle up our game."
But friends, I was TOO PROUD to call it a day. I was shooting 4 over par! There was no way I was going to stop before I was done. So the whiny, effeminate lackies made their way back in, and I played through, storm be damned.
But the storm wasn't damned, my friends. It was I who was damned, and I didn't even know it.
I teed up on the fifteenth hole, a 300-yard monster with scrub brush on both sides of the fairway. Thunder cracked above me, breaking my steely concentration. So I held my driver aloft, pointed at the heavens, and cried out, "piffle you GOD! I'm MAKING THIS DRIVE, and there AIN'T SHIT you can do about it!"
But there WAS shit God could do about it, my friends. At that moment, the clouds split, the heavens were rent, and a thick, white bolt of lightening shot down from the sky and STRUCK ME THROUGH MY GOLF CLUB.
Now, I don't remember exactly what happened next. There was a flash, my body went numb, and when I regained my senses, I found that i was sitting on a beach, under an umbrella, drinking a Shirley Temple out of a coconut husk. Needless to say, I was extremely confused. I looked over to my right, and I saw a man reclining on the beach chair beside me. I knew, as soon as my eyes fell on him, that there was only one man this could be. It was the LORD JESUS CHRIST. And he was wearing chinos.
I stammered, "Jesus, how is it you are here?"
"I am everywhere, my child," he replied.
I could barely speak. Eventually, I managed to blurt out, "But, Jesus, if you're real, then I've wasted my whole life chasing money, drugs and whores!"
"That's right," was his stoic reply.
So naturally, I had a million questions. "Well, Jesus, if you're real, then tell me, what is the one true denomination?"
"Baptist," he said.
"But Jesus," I pleaded, "there are so many Baptist churches in the world, and they're all different from one another. How do I know who's right?"
"My son, the One True Church is in Freehold, Iowa. The One True Faith are the True Christians(TM) at Landover Baptist Church."
And as he spoke those words, my friends, I felt the HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL PAIN of JESUS' UNDYING LOVE FOR ME flow out of his tastefully appointed person and into my wretched body. I was enraptured, my friends. More powerful than any crack I'd ever smoked, more effusive than any orgasm I'd ever had, was this POWER that flowed through my body.
Then, I woke up.
I was in an ambulance. I'd been struck by lightening, they told me. I was going to be alright, they told me. But it wasn't the paramedics that saved my life, friends. It was the LORD JESUS.
At that point, I knew I only had one course of action before me, friends, and that was to RENOUNCE my sin, and turn ALL OF MY SUBSTANTIAL RESOURCES to furthering the Baptist agenda.
So I quit my job, and sold off my investments. I kept only what I could carry in my Bentley, and went on the road. I went from one podunk, hick-filled shithole to another, laying hands on the sinners and preaching the word of Almightly God in the hopes that the NEXT TIME I had to look Jesus in the eye, I could say to him that I had done my best to fulfill his will.
And guess what? Upon my path appointed by Jesus, I met my True Baptist Christian wife. She was of Portugese descent as well and our sinful backgrounds were similar, but not the only ones; the most important one was our promise to rid our minds of the past and start new in the embracing arms of The Lord.
Together we have our 3 month old son, PRAISE JESUS. As he will be raised the one and only true way: a Christian Baptist. The real shocker is that I'm only 21. My story happened last year and it was shortly after I met my wife.
God knows what forsaken place I would be now if Jesus hadn't reached for me with his hand of saviour.
Yours in Christ,
Bartholomew
This communique comes to you from across the Atlantic, a place of sins and things beyond your wildest dreams. This God-forsaken place is Portugal. Allow me to tell you a little bit of my background and how I came to know Jesus, that we might fellowship together.
Like many of you, I came to Christ late in life. I was born into a family of sinners. My parents were atheists, my friends: godless atheists. My ancestors were atheists as well. From the day of my birth, until only recently, I never knew the terrifying love of Jesus Christ.
Yes, friends, I was raised in sin. I attended PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I got a degree in LIBERAL STUDIES from a major US university. Friends, I was so depraved, that I went on to get a GRADUATE degree and worked in the LIBERAL MEDIA as well.
I was a hedonist, sinner, sodomite. I took STRANGE DRUGS. I held religion in CONTEMPT. I experimented with SATANISM and the Church of the Subgenius! Friends, there was no depravity to which I would not sink. I recall one instance when I actually SOAKED a BLESSED COMMUNION WAFER in LIQUID LSD before breaking that bread with a homosexual and TWO LOOSE WOMEN. What followed, fellow Christians, I cannot say, for fear the PERVERSIONS to which we set ourselves on that damned evening would prove TOO MUCH for a GODLY, CHRISTIAN audience like you all to stomach.
And SATAN rewarded my blasphemy! I rose high in the ranks of my chosen profession. I had wealth beyond measure. I had a stable of whores to pleasure me. I had UNLIMITED SUPPLIES of booze and narcotics. But it was never enough. I wanted more. More money. More drugs. More whores.
Then, my friends, one afternoon I found myself at the thirteenth hole of the Maple Shores Country Club, snorting cocaine off the roof of a golf cart as a thunderstorm started rolling in. The sniveling sycophants that I surrounded myself with at the time were rightfully frightened by the impending storm. "Let's go do some shots at the clubhouse," they said. "This storm is going to piffle up our game."
But friends, I was TOO PROUD to call it a day. I was shooting 4 over par! There was no way I was going to stop before I was done. So the whiny, effeminate lackies made their way back in, and I played through, storm be damned.
But the storm wasn't damned, my friends. It was I who was damned, and I didn't even know it.
I teed up on the fifteenth hole, a 300-yard monster with scrub brush on both sides of the fairway. Thunder cracked above me, breaking my steely concentration. So I held my driver aloft, pointed at the heavens, and cried out, "piffle you GOD! I'm MAKING THIS DRIVE, and there AIN'T SHIT you can do about it!"
But there WAS shit God could do about it, my friends. At that moment, the clouds split, the heavens were rent, and a thick, white bolt of lightening shot down from the sky and STRUCK ME THROUGH MY GOLF CLUB.
Now, I don't remember exactly what happened next. There was a flash, my body went numb, and when I regained my senses, I found that i was sitting on a beach, under an umbrella, drinking a Shirley Temple out of a coconut husk. Needless to say, I was extremely confused. I looked over to my right, and I saw a man reclining on the beach chair beside me. I knew, as soon as my eyes fell on him, that there was only one man this could be. It was the LORD JESUS CHRIST. And he was wearing chinos.
I stammered, "Jesus, how is it you are here?"
"I am everywhere, my child," he replied.
I could barely speak. Eventually, I managed to blurt out, "But, Jesus, if you're real, then I've wasted my whole life chasing money, drugs and whores!"
"That's right," was his stoic reply.
So naturally, I had a million questions. "Well, Jesus, if you're real, then tell me, what is the one true denomination?"
"Baptist," he said.
"But Jesus," I pleaded, "there are so many Baptist churches in the world, and they're all different from one another. How do I know who's right?"
"My son, the One True Church is in Freehold, Iowa. The One True Faith are the True Christians(TM) at Landover Baptist Church."
And as he spoke those words, my friends, I felt the HORRIBLE, WONDERFUL PAIN of JESUS' UNDYING LOVE FOR ME flow out of his tastefully appointed person and into my wretched body. I was enraptured, my friends. More powerful than any crack I'd ever smoked, more effusive than any orgasm I'd ever had, was this POWER that flowed through my body.
Then, I woke up.
I was in an ambulance. I'd been struck by lightening, they told me. I was going to be alright, they told me. But it wasn't the paramedics that saved my life, friends. It was the LORD JESUS.
At that point, I knew I only had one course of action before me, friends, and that was to RENOUNCE my sin, and turn ALL OF MY SUBSTANTIAL RESOURCES to furthering the Baptist agenda.
So I quit my job, and sold off my investments. I kept only what I could carry in my Bentley, and went on the road. I went from one podunk, hick-filled shithole to another, laying hands on the sinners and preaching the word of Almightly God in the hopes that the NEXT TIME I had to look Jesus in the eye, I could say to him that I had done my best to fulfill his will.
And guess what? Upon my path appointed by Jesus, I met my True Baptist Christian wife. She was of Portugese descent as well and our sinful backgrounds were similar, but not the only ones; the most important one was our promise to rid our minds of the past and start new in the embracing arms of The Lord.
Together we have our 3 month old son, PRAISE JESUS. As he will be raised the one and only true way: a Christian Baptist. The real shocker is that I'm only 21. My story happened last year and it was shortly after I met my wife.
God knows what forsaken place I would be now if Jesus hadn't reached for me with his hand of saviour.
Yours in Christ,
Bartholomew
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