Save me! I must be saved!

[Jimmy Smith]

Hello to all of you who are members of the Landover Baptist Church! The only real and true Christian church!

I came to the realization recently that I am living a life of sin!

I am in need of salvation, and after much searching for answers I happened to find the website of the Landover Baptist Church. After reading the wise and true words of the members of the Church, I felt that it was by them I would be saved.

I wish to repent my sinful ways, and have begun reading the KJV1611 Bible, the literal word of which I plan to obey and to live by. I also wish to be further taught by you, members of the Landover Baptist Church, in the correct manner in which to conduct myself and live my life, as you of the Landover Baptist Church would know best how to instruct me in this.

So, I implore you all, save me, for I fear the burning pits of hell!

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

I came to the realization recently that I am living a life of sin!

I am in need of salvation

Recognizing that you are a worthless sinner who needs to repent, hopeless and wretched in God's sight, and in need of salvation, is the first step, so congratulations to you. You are miles ahead of the folks who think they don't need to repent because they mistakenly believe that God loves them just the way they are. We can thank Joel Olsteen and others like him who spread the demonic "self-esteem" false gospel for the popularity of that notion.

I see that you are coming to us from Australia, a Godless cesspool of a country full of barroom fighting drunken criminals and voodoo priest aboriginals. You might have seen on our forum that we have a big mission trip planned, and there will be preachers who can make sure you have been saved and give you a proper baptism.

In the meantime, keep reading the KJV and praying. We have a Bible in a Year program that can help you out. I suspect you don't have access to good Bible-based preaching there, but you can listen to some of Pastor Deacon Fred's sermons online.

I'm praying for you, friend.

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

You've made a good start, signing up with an actual name this time. It would behoove you to apologize for the hateful slander and bigotry you persecuted us with last time, and that can all go together with the "repent" part of salvation that the good pastor just mentioned.

[Jimmy Smith]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

God could never love me if I remain the way I am! I must change so that I may be found worthy in His eyes.

Unfortunately I do indeed come from that butt-end of civilization known as Orstralia . I am often surrounded by the abo stick tossers and wood blowers, and pelted with cans of a vile concoction known as VB.

I feel as though I am sinning by simply being in close proximity to such wretched and dusty grub-munchers!

I strive to one day enter God's favoured land of America. Until I do, I hope all of you here from the Landover Baptist Church can help me deal with the difficulty of living in such a Godless, barren, convict-ridden and abo polluted nation.

[Nobar King]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

I strive to one day enter God's favoured land of America. Until I do, I hope all of you here from the Landover Baptist Church can help me deal with the difficulty of living in such a Godless, barren, convict-ridden and abo polluted nation.

Sounds like you're doing all right so far. Maybe you could help us by sharing your best tips for survival in the down under?

[Jimmy Smith]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

Most gracious Sister Mary Maria, I DO apologize! It is from these ways of sin and hate that I am trying to turn away from!

I was entrenched in the filthy ways of Orstralian culture and society... I was truly lost, and without the Lord's guidance or direction I became hateful and slanderous.

I repent, and am truly sorry for my previous misdeeds.

May the Lord forgive me if he sees fit.

[Jimmy Smith]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

Friend Nobar, it is recommended that a raincoat be worn whilst outside, for there is the ever-present risk of being soaked by the many many beer-spouting drunkards that walk the streets.

A supply of rocks should also be kept upon your person when leaving your house as they provide a useful diversion when surrounded by the dusty abos - simply throw a rock and they rush to worship it.

I do believe the terrible heat of this land is due to it's spiritual closeness to hell... how I yearn for the cooler lands of America!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Save me! I must be saved!

You might want to start off your sincere apologies by making a robust Love Offering to Jesus. The Paypal button at the bottom of this page will enable you to demonstrate the depths of your sorrow and the strength of your intent to turn your worthless life over to Christ.

We accept U.S. Dollars only, "bruce."