Confused

[piratespazz]

I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?

[Didymus Much]

Re: Confused

I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?

Uh, you go, girl?

BTW: Learn to spell calendar and waver, thanks.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Confused

I stand before you and confess that I had some impure thoughts of anger when I visited the Landover Baptist Church store and discovered that you only have calenders for 2011 and 2012. I had every intension of purchasing a calender and the $11,000 getting saved card, but alas my faith waivers. Please, my brothers can anyone offer some kind words of encouragement?

I find nothing more encouraging than the knowledge that God created the universe with me in mind, and that everyone who disagrees with God and me will burn for all eternity. See Colossians 1:17 and John 3:18.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Confused

Have you considered our Diamond level Baptismal service?

For a mere $18,000 plus travel expenses, you can get a second tier Landover Baptist Pastor to come to your home or church and baptize you. As an added bonus, he will baptize additional people for only $1000 each.

Friend, I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot better with the surety that the person performing mine or my loved one's baptism is Truly Saved™. I don't promise any voices from heaven telling you that you made the right decision afterward, but why don't you just pray on it and tell us what God says to you?

[piratespazz]

Re: Confused

Would that be intellectual gorilla or guerilla?.... OOOHHH now I get it. Never mind.

[piratespazz]

Re: Confused

Have you considered our Diamond level Baptismal service?

For a mere $18,000 plus travel expenses, you can get a second tier Landover Baptist Pastor to come to your home or church and baptize you. As an added bonus, he will baptize additional people for only $1000 each.

Friend, I don't know about you, but I would feel a lot better with the surety that the person performing mine or my loved one's baptism is Truly Saved™. I don't promise any voices from heaven telling you that you made the right decision afterward, but why don't you just pray on it and tell us what God says to you?

That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?

[Jedediah]

Re: Confused

Friend, please share a bit about yourself with us. Do you have a family? Where do you worship? Are there any particular verses of Scripture that you turn to when in need of succor?

[Noah Sole]

Re: Confused

That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?

Tell you what spaz, just fill in the following details and we'll do all the work for you:

1 - Name
2 - Address
3 - Bank name
4 - Bank account no
5 - Bank account Password
6 - Your favourite Bible verse
7 - Your religious views
8 - Homer Y/N

All the best

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Confused

That, my brother is truly tempting and it is high time that I met my heavenly obligation of the tithe and pass along to the lord what is truly his; I must take this opportunity to ask you if there is a payment plan available for the diamond level baptism service or would the sinful wretch be required to fork over the cash all at once?

What's with the tiny font? Are you being a jerk on purpose? My eyes aren't what they used to be!

[piratespazz]

Re: Confused

Uh, you go, girl?

BTW: Learn to spell calendar and waver, thanks.

I also misspelled “intension” but not to worry, intellectual gorilla… I mean guerilla.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Confused

I also misspelled “intension” but not to worry, intellectual gorilla… I mean guerilla.

Stop being not funny and start praising Jesus!

[piratespazz]

Re: Confused

What's with the tiny font? Are you being a jerk on purpose? My eyes aren't what they used to be!

Sorry, dude. Is this better? (Please don't tell Jesus that I pissed you off)

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: Confused

Sorry, dude. Is this better? (Please don't tell Jesus that I pissed you off)

Yes, that's better.

And Jesus is God, and God is omnipotent, so He's already aware how cheesed I am at you and the other rude atheist homers that are all over our forums today.

[piratespazz]

Re: Confused

Friend, please share a bit about yourself with us. Do you have a family? Where do you worship? Are there any particular verses of Scripture that you turn to when in need of succor?

I have a wife and three children. I do not worship at any church but I like to read the King Jimmy now and then. Every verse speaks to me in a different way depending on the circumstances.
For example, if I am unsure of myself I turn to Matthew 23:33 (Serpents! Brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?). I find great comfort and solace in these soothing words.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: Confused

I have a wife and three children. I do not worship at any church but I like to read the King Jimmy now and then. Every verse speaks to me in a different way depending on the circumstances.
For example, if I am unsure of myself I turn to Matthew 23:33 (Serpents! Brood of vipers how can you escape the condemnation of hell?). I find great comfort and solace in these soothing words.

Odd, my "King Jimmy" says:

33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?

What Bible are YOU reading?

And I thought we spoke to you about the little font. Do you WANT to be ignored because you make it harder to read what you write?