Help me please Jesus - The Landover Baptist Church Forum

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#1

Help me please Jesus

07-04-2008, 03:55 PM

I have been lurking around this Godly forum for months.........too scared to enter (except for the two times when my heathen neighbor plied me with Fosters).

I am at my nadir.

Save me Jesus.

Save me Landover.

I have tried everything else (at least once, sometimes twice on those 'special' occasions), yet the Glory seems to be always emptied before it reaches mine cup.

Take me Brothers and Sisters (or similar) to your bosom.

I will try not to nip.
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Nobar King

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#2

07-04-2008, 04:09 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

That's not an introduction, it's a request for prayer. We need a little more from you before we know that you're really here to honor Jesus, and not just a troll.

May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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#3

07-04-2008, 04:41 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Nobar King View Post

That's not an introduction, it's a request for prayer. We need a little more from you before we know that you're really here to honour Jesus, and not just a troll.

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan View Post

I have tried everything else

Thank you for honoring my request for prayer Brother Nobar.

I do not know if I am beyond Salvation (many of my wicked acts are still widely available on VHS), however your word in Jesus' ear on my behalf will surely stand at least yourself, in His greater stead.

Are not my requests, those that asked both Jesus and Landover for my Salvation, evidence enough of my honor?
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Pastor Ezekiel

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#4

07-04-2008, 08:56 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan View Post

Thank you for honoring my request for prayer Brother Nobar.

I do not know if I am beyond Salvation (many of my wicked acts are still widely available on VHS), however your word in Jesus' ear on my behalf will surely stand at least yourself, in His greater stead.

Are not my requests, those that asked both Jesus and Landover for my Salvation, evidence enough of my honor?

No.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Brother Enoch

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#5

07-05-2008, 04:40 AM

Re: Help me please Jesus

You are asking humans for your salvation? Are you a Catholic? The Landover True Christians can guide you to the path of Salvation, but only through Christ is salvation granted. That you are unaware of this offends me and saddens Jesus. His sacrifice means nothing to you apparently.

Think on this a while, and come back when you realize the truth of it and discard the mysticism of whatever brand of false Christianity you've been absorbing.

Until then, screw off.

In Christ's name,
Avatar
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~~Walter Brimstone~~

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#6

07-05-2008, 12:04 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Get behind me satan

I don't know what's so scary about entering God's Favorite Church. I've only been here a couple days and I wasn't scared. God has led me here, can you say the same? I don't think so. Instead of trying to kiss up, tell us what you REALLY want.

Praise,
JM

P.S.
Just your username sounds creepy. What kind of message are you trying to send?
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Brother Temperance

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#7

07-05-2008, 01:36 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan View Post

Thank you for honoring my request for prayer Brother Nobar.

I do not know if I am beyond Salvation (many of my wicked acts are still widely available on VHS)

On VHS? When did you commit these wicked acts, 1992?

O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

Catholic perversion throughout history

Does it matter how we praise the Lord?

How the King James Bible Saved me from anal sex!

God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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#8

07-05-2008, 08:26 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

You are asking humans for your salvation?

What kind of heathen riddle is that.....human?

Help me please Jesus

What innocent part of that Godly request (prayer...as the kind Brother Nobar pointed out) escaped you? Why do you use such an unGodly word as your username? avatar is kumasatran. Have you partaken of liquid lately?

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

Are you a Catholic?

Absolutely not. Why would an elephant humping kumasatrian such as yourself query as to my Faith? You sound unhappy with your lot (completely understandable).

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

The Landover True Christians can guide you to the path of Salvation, but only through Christ is salvation granted.

I would say "Well duhh", except that it is Landover True Christians™ that can guide me to the path of Christ and ultimately Salvation, not you, you filthy bannedscript. What would you know about Christ and his inclusion of those on His saved list anyhow?!! Stick to buggering elephants if you're big enough .

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

That you are unaware of this offends me and saddens Jesus. His sacrifice means nothing to you apparently.

Who are you to talk on behalf of Jesus? Do you think Jesus cares what you apparently think you proven fornicator of animals?

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

Think on this a while, and come back when you realize the truth of it and discard the mysticism of whatever brand of false Christianity you've been absorbing. Until then, screw off.

I don't need to think. I have my newly acquired KJV1611 for that!

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

In Christ's name,
Avatar

You wish, elephant man.

Originally posted by Avatar View Post

Until then, screw off

Originally posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post

No.

I concur with the Godly Pastor.
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Pastor Ezekiel

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#9

07-06-2008, 08:45 AM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan View Post

I concur with the Godly Pastor.

The question that I answered was YOURS, fool.

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan

Are not my requests, those that asked both Jesus and Landover for my Salvation, evidence enough of my honor?

The answer is still "no". So far I see more evidence of demon possession that of any sort of honor.

James 2:10 For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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~~snottyduck~~

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#10

07-06-2008, 09:58 AM

Re: Help me please Jesus

If you really want to get away from your current life-style then you must change it yourself, you cannot ask anybody (not even Jesus) to just wipe out your life-style and program you with a new one, that will not happen. You need to work on that yourself. There is no magical formula and it might even be impossible to change your habits but you can try and see.
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Pastor Ezekiel

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#11

07-06-2008, 11:33 AM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by snottyduck View Post

If you really want to get away from your current life-style then you must change it yourself, you cannot ask anybody (not even Jesus) to just wipe out your life-style and program you with a new one, that will not happen. You need to work on that yourself. There is no magical formula and it might even be impossible to change your habits but you can try and see.

That was not only a hateful thing to say, it was unBiblical as well.

He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered.
Proverbs 28:26

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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#12

07-06-2008, 12:35 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

Get behind me satan

I don't know what's so scary about entering God's Favorite Church. I've only been here a couple days and I wasn't scared.

Fear of being smote by an angry God and His diligent Flock. I have been a very debaucherous man you know!

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

God has led me here, can you say the same?

Yes, God has led me here.

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

I don't think so.

You should have let your KJV do the thinking.

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

Instead of trying to kiss up, tell us what you REALLY want.

What I REALLY want was made quite clear here.

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

P.S.
Just your username sounds creepy.

Are you behind me or in front of me?

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

What kind of message are you trying to send?

This one.

I think you may have me confused with someone else.

Originally posted by Walter Brimstone View Post

Praise,
JM

Praise to you to,
GBMS
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Pastor Ezekiel

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#13

07-06-2008, 12:42 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Pal, you need to be more specific. Give us your testimony. How far have you sunken into the muck and mire of sin? Give us the details in all their perverse glory. You'll feel better, and then we'll all have a better understanding of how to help you.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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~~Walter Brimstone~~

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#14

07-06-2008, 03:04 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

Pastor Ezekiel,

I'm afraid this perverted sinner (judging by his username) seems to have satan's name written all over his back side if you follow, what I am saying, and now he is trying to get to the True Christians(tm) next by doing the same thing . One of Fr. Thomas' people I think.

In Him,

Walter Brimstone
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~~Walter Brimstone~~

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#15

07-06-2008, 03:15 PM

Re: Help me please Jesus

I really think you have good reason to be afraid with the lifestyle you have chosen.

Originally posted by Get behind me Satan View Post

Fear of being smote by an angry God and His diligent Flock. I have been a very debaucherous man you know!

To get the True Christian(tm) Counseling you truly need, no doubt.
Yes, God has led me here.

It's God's KJV 1611, I'm not the one who wrote it.
You should have let your KJV do the thinking.

Again, make your point.
What I REALLY want was made quite clear here.

Neither, I'm not like that, you pervert!
Are you behind me or in front of me?

I'm sure picking up a completely different message and I am certain that mine is the correct one.

This one.

I think you may have me confused with someone else.

The Praise is reserved for Jesus Christ Only.
Praise to you to,
GBMS

In Him,

Walter Brimstone
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