Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

[Mistress Cookie]

I ask this because my husband was recently called back to the Lord, and I'm now having to forge my way through this dark forest called Life, alone. I used to rely on Daryl to quote Chapter and Verse when need be, but now I see I shall have to become more familiar with the Book myself. I of course pray the Good Lord will return My Daryl to me, but fear He will not.

So my question is: Do I have to read that whole big book on my own, right away? I want to start siting now! Is there a Cliff Notes version, or "Best Of"?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

I ask this because my husband was recently called back to the Lord, and I'm now having to forge my way through this dark forest called Life, alone. I used to rely on Daryl to quote Chapter and Verse when need be, but now I see I shall have to become more familiar with the Book myself. I of course pray the Good Lord will return My Daryl to me, but fear He will not.

So my question is: Do I have to read that whole big book on my own, right away? I want to start siting now! Is there a Cliff Notes version, or "Best Of"?

Better yet, you can read Brother V's Bible in a Year thread, complete with compelling narrative and insightful commentary.

Please tell us about yourself. How much did your late husband leave you with?

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

That is a wonderful suggestion! Praise YOU, my fine friend! I shall scamper right over to that thread and spend the weekend under its loving guidance.

I do not mean to commit the sin of Vanity...but I wonder why my picture does not appear with my posts? It was hard enough to upload it, the Good Lord knows. But where did it go? I wonder if I am to check some special box over on my profile page? If only my Good Daryl were here to help me with these things!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

That is a wonderful suggestion! Praise YOU, my fine friend! I shall scamper right over to that thread and spend the weekend under its loving guidance.

I do not mean to commit the sin of Vanity...but I wonder why my picture does not appear with my posts? It was hard enough to upload it, the Good Lord knows. But where did it go? I wonder if I am to check some special box over on my profile page? If only my Good Daryl were here to help me with these things!

Perhaps Jesus is feeling robbed. Have you Tithed appropriately? That's what the Paypal button is for at the bottom of the page.

It could help, is all I'm saying.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

By withholding my picture from Public Gaze, perhaps the Lord is telling me I'm still to be seen only by my Dear Daryl's eyes?

On the other hand, should my picture magically appear with my posts, it could be a sign that this is the true place for me, Praised Be.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

By withholding my picture from Public Gaze, perhaps the Lord is telling me I'm still to be seen only by my Dear Daryl's eyes?

On the other hand, should my picture magically appear with my posts, it could be a sign that this is the true place for me, Praised Be.

It may be that Jesus wants you to offer your testimony here to inspire others. What church do you attend? How did you find Jesus? What disgusting perverted sins have you wallowed in?

And so on.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

PS: And I would, of course, tithe appropriately. (Or I should say, in my best interpretation thereof...as only He can judge what is Appropriate, and No.)

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

PS: And I would, of course, tithe appropriately. (Or I should say, in my best interpretation thereof...as only He can judge what is Appropriate, and No.)

It seems that you have a profile photo but no avatar. Better pray harder and try again lady.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

I see I am victim of the damnable sin of Overeagerness, of Greed for Immediate Pleasure, as I tried to steamroll the above "PS" through without waiting for Your reply, first. Now it is drifting there..."A PS to what?" some may wonder.

But as to me: I was raised in a simple southern orphanage, left there by parents who promised the Sisters they'd return for me. Rumor has it they were actors and/or acrobats. (The notes in the ledger are blurry.) I was trained in sewing and cookery, and finally adopted by the Reverend Daryl Crawford and his sister Rose at age 14. I traveled with them, assisting with their popular tent revivals where I was trained in the Art of Hypnosis and Snake Handling. This later activity also necessitated a study of medicine, particularly the healing properties of nearby herbs and weeds.

After Daryl took me for his wife, Sister Rose felt a schism and went her own way, taking half our flock with her. Daryl eventually succumbed to debauchery and then, after many warnings and signs of warnings, fell ill with a mysterious pestilence. No matter how much of my special herbal teas I infused him with, he but withered more.

Daryl was but recently Called Back to Our Maker, and I was surprised to discover that our Worldly property and holdings to be under the control of his brother, who I'd never met (let alone received a wedding gift from). This "man" claims to be an attorney. I have told him that God Himself is our judge and we are all but supplicants in His court...but my brother-in-law and the probate court sees things differently.

I am exhausted, recalling these Dark Memories.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

So then you come from snake-handling Pentecostals?

Disgusting. They're like carnival workers or something. And cram full of false doctrine. They worship satan directly I've heard. Do you speak in tongues too?

Take a look at THIS thread.

I urge you to start reading that Bible in a Year thread, as well as everything else on this Godly forum. We are True Christians™ and as such, we follow the one true Bible word for word. Our beliefs can be found HERE.


Unless you accept Jesus as your Savior© and renounce your false Christian ways, you'll be spending eternity in the same lake of fire that your late husband is flopping around in as we speak.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

Good Lord! And lo, my avitar did magically appear! Praise and Braise!

<< So then you come from snake-handling Pentecostals? >>

It was my practice to let my husband deal with such details. He spoke of The Lord a lot. I primarily passed the basket at his tent revivals, sewed our robes, cooked for the needy, and milked the snakes so no one died in the evening handling ceremonies, should one strike down the wicked.

I shall begin afresh with the Bible in a Year series. But must I wait until the thread gets to the beginning of The Book again? Or do I start now....?

[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

What disgusting perverted sins have you wallowed in?

Sorry...Only a Catholic priest like me can administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation!

Stop trying to usurp my position, heretic klansman.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

There is much that happened, both in the orphanage and on the road, that were True Tests. I have tried to block those memories out. The past is gone, and the Good Lord willing, the Landrover Baptists shall be the rock 'pon which I now build.

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

Sorry...Only a Catholic priest like me can administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation!

Really? Look at what I found in the last place you'd look, namely, the Bible:

James 5:16: Confess [your] faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Do feel free to explain how "one to another," when correctly interpreted, means "only to a devil in a black dress."

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Is there a Cliff Notes version of The Bible?

Sorry...Only a Catholic priest like me can administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation!

Stop trying to usurp my position, heretic klansman.

The only "position" you have here is hellbound papist dog. Shut your yap, mary worshiper. Don't you have a bailbond hearing to attend?